Phew! I'm not the only woman who hated sex while married.

If you have to masturbate during your marriage then there is something seriously wrong. Besides, when did masturbation become a responsibility in someone's marriage? Some of you needed to seek counseling during your marriages instead of brushing off your spouses like you did. Faking it didn't help matters any did it? For some of you, your husbands were undeserving since they cheated on you, but the others who said they hated sex after marriage really had no one to blame but themselves. The only thing that changed after marriage was them, and only them, and theses are the people that needed to seek professional help instead of ending their marriages so abruptly.

Dude, I have to say it. You know what else is your responsibility? Masturbating.

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
Composite: Tech & Poetics ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

I am sure you're wondering why a male would bother to register on a blogsite for women, but after reading the blog entry, and the posts made by its members, I felt compelled to respond. My wife has placed me in similar predicaments when I didn't feel like having sex. Especially when I’ve been very ill or truly tired after a long day of working. Saying 'no' to her would rock the boat and things would get very unpleasant in the household. Having asthma, I am prone to having bronchitis during certain times of the year despite taking precautions to bundle up during the cold winter months, and one particular year before Christmas I was really bad. She wanted to have sex and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I believe this pressure is affecting our sexual relations today. I have trouble performing and 'finishing' if you know what I mean.

My wife also cheated on me when we were engaged and I found out very close to our wedding day. We almost didn't get married as you would imagine, and yes, we attended marriage counseling which did help. However, between her sexual demands, and not forgetting what happened back then, having sex with her today feels like a chore to me and I have no sex drive of any kind. She gets her jollies from it but it feels like I am just a piece of meat, or a toy if you will, for her pleasure. I have forgiven my wife and I CAN say with conviction that I have NEVER cheated on my wife once. I just wanted to throw that out there that not every man is a penis robot looking to stuff it in every hole he encounters.  I find my wife very attractive, by the way, in case you're wondering.

Also, I feel for the women whose husbands cheated on them. There is one thing I will say, though: there are some men who are emotionally numb and only care about their own satisfaction, but some men know when their women are just 'having sex' and really not into it, and they will seek it elsewhere if they feel their other half isn't putting anything into it. I am not excusing some of your husbands here, just pointing out a known fact.

thanks for not making me feel crazy! Sex is supposed to be good. Don't all of thesed women expect their men to do things that the men might not want to do? I actually embrace my manly duties.

I honestly have been here and istened to what all the women have to say. I think most of you are selfish. I know that it is my responsibility to take care of my family. I work my butt off, more than I would like, to make sure that my wife and 2 girls have whatever they want. Sex is big for me and my wife like many of you is uninterested. We currently have sex 3 times a month. I am not selfish. I cook dinners, clean the house, and hve even tried to have the wine poured, ll to make her feel good. I have tried other things too in consideration of her feelings. I'm tired everyday and to be honest, it would be much easier if I didn't have to worry about paying a mortgage, ballet, swimming lesson, soccer, etc. and all the bills. But it is my responsibility and I actually enjoy doing it.

I do the exact same things for my wife. I own and operate businesses from home, plus I cook dinner, wash the clothes, clean the house, feed the cats, and pamper her the best I can when I am not feeling exhausted, ill, or truly tired. I have health issues (unfortunately) but I do my best to provide for her in every way possible.

I agree that some of the women here are being a bit too stereotypical and selfish in their responses towards men but that is something they will have to deal with in my opinion.  What can you do? I have encountered people from both sexes not worthy of a commitment of any kind, let alone marriage! The door swings both ways, and lets face it, both sexes can be equally as bad!

 That word 'settling' has new meaning to me now Nordette.  And in fact, it scares the heck out of me.  Cause at what point is a woman to know if she's 'settling' or being committed and staying true to the course?  Cause that's what marriages and longterm relationships require, right?

I still have times when I wonder, "Could I have made things work with my ex?"  And I do believe I probably could have stayed with him.  I'd have had a mildly content life, one that involved awful sex, but one that I could have endured.

But at the core, I want more.  I'm not sure yet what that will look like - it's still too soon for me to know it's full shape.  I'm still scared and overwhelmed by my unknown future at times, but my body feels more at peace - it says I'm on the right path.  So I'm following it.   

Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

Because a woman's body never lies...

All I know for sure is that now that I'm single again and have discovered there's NOTHING wrong with my current sex drive, I'll never hand over my body like a plate of chicken again.  I'll never make placations and excuses, nor have 'obligatory sex' again.  Cause my body is an extension of ME; and ALL of me deserves to be treated like gold.  And I now KNOW that a woman's body never lies.

Amen to that. Sounds like some of the conversations I've had with female friends who are also divorced.

My ex wasn't a disaster in bed, but still I found plenty of moments when I was running away from him instead of toward him mainly because he was good between the legs but not between the eardrums, too mechanical, too much sex by the numbers and not enough intimacy.  But that was just the tip of the iceberg of problems.  I've come to terms with the truth that for my nearly 25 years of marriage what I was doing was settling.  Today he's with another woman and I'm sure she's quite happy with what she's got, and I salute him finding his true soul mate. It was a good thing for me.

So, the only thing that I lost in the divorce was the respect I had left for him after he tried hiding the money and withholding financial support. My sex life with him was no loss at all because I can do better. Having discovered there's a different type of man out there, I'm pickier and generally prefer not to be bothered if the mental chemistry's missing because I can always teach a man new sex tricks.  But knowing how to get inside my head is a knack he's got to have on his own.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ) is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ). Also @ Twitter ( http://twitter.com/nordette_verite ). Latest personal post, OSF and Echoes of a Pre-Mid-Life ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com/2009/02/osf-new-editio... ).

I found this interesting.  To be honest, I have never felt this way.  I love my husband, and I love having sex with him.  Are there nights that I'm kinda tired and know he wants to and I don't but give in anyway?  Sure, but more often than not I find that I sleep better on the nights I have sex than the ones I don't.  I see that a lot of women go through changes with their bodies and their confidence after a baby.  Yes, I went through it, still do.  Never fails every winter I put on 10-15 lbs. but my husband still finds me desirable and I find him desirable after 10 years married and 13 together...so the sex is phenomenal! 

So I say....bring on the sex hubby!! 

Christina

I see this article touched a nerve in some readers, perhaps because hating marital sex is one of the most well-guarded and taboo subjects around. 

In keeping with the Momlogic poll I referred to in this article, I'm conducting a 'body-driven poll' on my new site www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ ) to explore how /if women ignore their body's intuition and wisdom.  Cause our body's DO tell us things, either through aches, pains, sleeplessness, dreams, lack of sex drive...but we so often ignore or suppress that voice, even though it is the rawest, purest, most honest part of our spiritual selves.

So if this resonates with you on some level, I'd love if you might participate in my poll.

Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

Because a woman's body never lies...

I think you hit it spot on - it IS about being honest with oneself and honoring the truth that one's body speaks.

The challenge is the 'how'.  We live in a culture where women are taught to focus more on the 'external architecture' verses the Woman within.  If you are a western Woman, you know what it means to have negative thoughts, feelings and beliefs about your body whether it's thinness, breast-size, youthfulness etc.  Pile stigma around sexuality on top of that and suddenly you have a heaping mess.  In short, our bodies are treated like our personal 'enemy' instead of a wise and spiritual extension of who we are. 

So again - yes, self-directed honesty is key.  However, that truth isn't  something that happens overnight.  I think it's a journey unto itself, and one that many women, sadly, never consciously embark upon. 

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com )

Seems to me like the real issue here is honesty. The writer here, as she figured out later, needed to be honest with herself, I mean really listen to what her body was telling her and not be afraid to honestly admit to herself, There is something really wrong here. She eventually did that. She was right, a woman's body sometimes tells her something that her mind is refusing to acknowledge! So this isn't about sex but about learning to tune in to what is really going on deep down. Paying attention to what the body is trying to tell the mind. Weird but so true!

That guy sounds like a DILLHOLE. 

I'm sure this will seem like an important growing experience to Delaine at some point. But seriously. Ick. I'm so happy my life is so simple. 

Good for you for getting out of that mess. The best thing my parents ever did for me was to get divorced. Both got remarried, and I was raised in a much better situation. Instead of learning to expect bitterness as a normal part of family life, I learned to expect laughter.

-Erin

See today's discovery at http://www.findingslc.com ( http://www.findingslc.com/ )

Hey Wilma - that divorced stay-at-home your referred to who has a nanny.... is ME!  LOL  But in all due seriousness, don't admire me too much...

After the birth of my third child, I threw my hands up in the air and said I needed help on the homefront cause my ex was always out of town and my kids were all in diapers.  But by the time my nanny arrived, it was too late - I soon discovered he had girlfriend: he'd been seeing her throughout my entire third pregnancy.  

So just IMAGINE going through all the extra efforts to have sex with my ex when I didn't want to (even at nine-months pregnant), only to discover he was screwing her, then coming home and sticking his dirty, undeserving penis in ME.

I tried really hard to work things out with my ex after his infidelity - my 'family dream' was on the line.  But three years later I could no longer ignore what my body was saying: it had had ENOUGH .  And being denigrating while pregnant, the most magnificent and awe-inspiring thing that a woman's body can do, was simply TOO much.

 So yeah Wilma, I had no idea what I was getting into when I got married - I thought 'love' would see us through.  And only now that I'm divorced and learning more about myself ANDmy sexuality, have I finally admitted I really don't know much.  But I'm getting there.

 Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

No sex, not talking, not cooperating, for me they were all happening.

And for me they were all in the same camp of being symptoms of doing bad relationship, only no sex seemed to annoy the man more than any of the other symptoms.

Of course there was hardly any other easy and productive and pleasant coordination of action going on anywhere else either, looking back on that marriage.

I used to laugh at pre marriage courses, it sounded so idiotic.

I was in love and of course we would be great together until I found out that as with so many things in life, I hadn't really learned how to do life with a partner, how to play together and set rules and make requests and communicate and listen to myself and how to stand up for myself and tell him clearly what I wanted so on and so on.
Those things I learned after the marriage colllapsed.
I realized that I was never clear and that there were a lot of things I could have done differently if only I had known that they were okay.  
Like how can you have or enjoy sex when bed is something to collapse into in sheer exhaustion.

There has been a comment on blogher from a woman who had a nanny while a stay at home divorced mum.
That screamed to me that she was somebody who stood up for what she wanted, who could see how demanding 3 little children are and who was not after sacrificing herself into the martydom of womanhood.
She did indicate though that she had some raised eyebrows when stating her situation.

If only I could have had her clarity and getup when I was younger I am sure my marriage would have been more easier for me AND my ex.

It is all about making yourself legitimate and get to know your own mind and sex is just a symptom of the fact we are not able to do that, just yet.

And when we can, real partnership will come and sex will happen when both parties have the tiime, the energy and the want to do it and I am experiencing that right now as I have matured and learned to be in a more mature relationship with myself first. 

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com ( http://www.wilmasblog.com/ )

I don't even think it's so much being in touch with ones body and sexuality as much as there is a cultural expectation that sex is part of marriage (or intimate relationships even) and if you are in one of these relationships you therefore have sex. If one person in the relationship doesn't want sex then something is wrong with them and they're failing to meet their partner's needs (expectations.)

I'd get the same, "What happened to the girl I first started dating who wanted sex twice a day?" and guys just don't seem to grasp that things change, people change, relationships change (especially if they are still up for sex twice a day.)

I think it's also easier some times to just say yes and get it over with than standing your ground, because sex really is an important part of a relationship, and if there's a fundamental incompatibility in needs there, one or both people have to keep compromising or it throws the whole relationship into question. How long do you want to stay in a relationship where you keep having sex just to placate your partner? How long do you stay in a sexless relationship when your sex drive is just fine? It seems that in most relationships there's some compromise - one person has sex when they don't want to, and one person has sex much, much less frequently than they'd like. And it ends up being a compromise that makes both people miserable. Is there a compromise that will make both parties happy, or is the only road out of unhappiness ending the relationship?

With the unhappy compromise no one is satisfied - the sex sucks because one person doesn't want to be there and they want it over with as fast as possible - if it drags on they resent it. The other person is frustrated because they're finally getting what they want and the other person is disconnected and just not into it and there's pressure to rush (and how sexy is that? Feeling rushed surely doesn't actually help speed things along) - they want to make the most out of an opportunity that they might not get for another week/month/whatever. The sex leaves both people feeling dissatisfied and emotionally hurt. 

Is there a solution to this that allows the relationship to go on? I wish I knew. 

And I know there's all kinds of suggestions out there for spicing up your sex life and rekindling interest, but what happens when you're not interested in being interested? When you don't wish the excitement and desire would come back, but when you'd just prefer that sex left the whole equation and would leave you in peace?

(And I don't feel that women should have to make compromises when it's their sexuality and bodies on the line, but then being in a monogamous relationship and saying no sex ever again also doesn't seem like a fair compromise for the other person - or even the person who is disinterested. Maybe hating sex spells doom for a relationship - the question is just when? Lack of interest seems to be focused on individuals and specific relationships, not sex in general, so does it make sense for two people to give up the possibility of ever having good sex ever again to stay in a monogamous relationship? Okay I'm rambling now.)

'If" women were more in touch with their bodies and sexuality before they got married, I wonder if 'voicing' their true feelings would be easier.  If we gave ourselves permission to explore and 'experience,' both emotionally and sexually, perhaps we'd be more connected to the many levels of our Selves and thus stronger over all.   For there is still much confusion around sexuality, no? 

On some level I was taught that once I fell in love and got married, my husband would somehow 'open up' my connection with myself, my body and my sexuality.  We're still encouraged, as women, to obstain from sex or at least, keep our partner numbers low; we're taught to 'stay in the 'dark' and trust that once that magical ingrediant of love is in our lives, our sexuality will somehow blossom. 

That's way too big a supposition for any man or woman.   

I, too, found that it was easier to let my ex get it over with than to think about my own sexual needs or lack thereof. I think we are taught too often that sex is for the boys, and we go along for the ride with them in their convertible or junker, or whatever it is that they are riding. Sex and money, two things that certainly need to be talked about more. For marriages and healthier living--for us all.   

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com ( http://www.rebelliousthoughtsofawoman.com/ )

It IS reassuring to know other women feel or have felt the same Anlina, so thanks for speaking up.

I remember my ex would bark at me, "What happened to the girl I first started dating who wanted sex twice a day?"  And I would look at him, bewildered, thinking, "That was five years ago for God's sake!  EVERY couple has heaps of sex at the very beginning of their relationship you moron.  It's suppose to evolve into something better, more meaningful and satisfying, which is NOT defined by two quickies a day!"  But he truly DID NOT GET IT.

All I know is that as a woman/ mom who is extremely empathetic, I am quick to feel GUILTY about anything - and the incessant demands and whining of my ex were so ongoing that it was easier for me just to cave.  And once that stage was set, it became a habit - an expectation.  I had too much else on my plate (three babies) to deal with it and I didn't want to start an ugly war with my ex; I was too afraid to open that can of worms.

That's sad though eh?  It was easier to shut up and spread my legs...than to find my voice. 

Thank you for writing this.

I think the idea that sex is a duty in a relationship gets to me the most. In every single relationship I have been in I have lost interest in the sex, yet my lack of interest doesn't seem to register for men as something that they should respect, because you know, once you've had sex once it has to happen again, right?

Certainly sex is important in most relationships, but I find it gets treated like it's something that is guaranteed and that if you say no you're denying the man something that he is entitled to - that you owe him.

It doesn't solve the fundamental issue of sex in relationships or men's attitudes toward "no" but it is reassuring to know that there are many other women who can empathize. That I'm not alone in saying yes to placate him when I have no desire.

It's amazing to me that this issue isn't discussed more openly. I wonder what keeps women silent - embarassment?  fear?  denial?  I think I felt all of those three things.

I still can't get over the sense of 'wifely duty' I had towards my ex - I mean, it was 2006 and I was conforming to this wacked idea that I was his property or something.  I wonder if I absorbed this belief genetically through my mom!  And I was so quick to deny what my body what trying to tell me - God, the excuses and placations I told myself.  I would have told myself ANYTHING to protect my family dream...until he cheated.

Pregnancy and motherhood REALLY did a number on my sex drive - when my kids were babies/toddlers I felt like a glorious dairy cow with someone always on me, in me, or screaming for me day and night.  In retrospect now I wish my ex and I had both been in the know about how the demands of pregnancy/parenting could effect our sex lives.  More poignantly, I wish my EX had been taught that my disinterest was normal and in need of respect.  For some reason he'd only heard about pregnant women who were incessantly HORNY lol.  I know that happens to some pregnant women, but it shouldn't be touted as the norm.

I also felt this way... I was willing to swear off sex for the rest of my life because the experiences I had with my ex-husband left me thinking I was broken because I wasn't enjoying myself.  I also had poor self image and felt like I was doing a chore every time I said yes.

Then I got divorced, and have realized in the past couple of years that indeed, my sex drive is healthy, it was my relationship that wasn't.

Thank god I didn't follow through with my promise to become a nun!