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This past Wednesday I had a mini meltdown. After a wonderful and uplifting conversation with my Spiritual coach and dear friend Intiana on Tuesday, all it took was one day for this roller coaster ride to take a fast and scary dip. Part of the healing for me is to reach out when in need as that's never been easy, but I did by calling Intiana in tears. We weren't scheduled to speak again for another week and I was so grateful that she was available.
Long story short, she was able to pull me back from the darkness and by the end of the hour or so conversation I was laughing and thanking her for the much needed "kick in the ass." During our chat she brought up Byron Katie again and her site (TheWork.com), adding something like "We all have stories. We can't become them."
I shared early on that since the diagnosis my Guidance has been walking so closely with me daily. Each and every day I am getting signs, validations and arrows pointing me to people, places and things.
Later that afternoon, feeling so much better, I got busy with a pile of old papers and my new shredder again. I've wanted one since the day I found that I had cancelled checks dating back as far as 2003 along with tons of other old papers that were just taking up space. Having sorted things out a bit I pretty much in a robotic state was just picking them up off my lap and putting them in the slot. Again and again, without the need to look I just kept shoving things in the shredder as I listened to Motown happy with all the new space I was creating in the garage, closets, etc. I "just happened" to look down twice and no more than twice and the timing was truly Divine. I tell you, this is how my days have been ever since December 9th when I got the "wake up" call.
Here is "just happened to look down before shredding" moment number one. I had been shredding pages of old journals. They were already ripped out of the spiral binder things and the pages sat on my lap. Grabbing and shredding a few of them at a time, I suddenly looked down before grabbing the next batch.
Keep in mind, Louise Hay says about Cancer: Deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. "What's the use."
11/19/03
Being "Me" has always
been dangerous
Never allowed
Not without consequences
Being "Me" hurts
And sometimes really bad
Those who claim to love me
Don't seem to love the real me
Sometimes it seems they don't even like her
They are afraid I think
Afraid what it would mean for them
Afraid of how they will somehow lose
If I decide I'm okay
Being flawed, scared, weak or sick
Has always gotten me kindness, love and safety
Being Less than I really am and always "working" on myself seemed to comfort those around me, which in turn has made me feel safe
Safe can be boring but being "Me" feels so dangerous
I don't know yet if "Me" is so unlikable
Wow, huh? There was more on the other side but I am sparing you the misery.
All I can say is that I sure hope I had served myself some really good cheese to go with THAT whine. 
The second time I "just happened to look down" at my lap before automatically shredding I came across a manila envelope that felt a bit full so I turned it over. If the above "h'orderve" wasn't enough to convince me that my Guidance is walking closer than ever right now and that I am right on track, this second "happening" sealed the deal.
Stay tuned...
