Podcast: Jory Des Jardins and Lisa Belkin talk about women, careers and parenting

Here are my thoughts on the subject. You have seen all of the wonderful descriptions of Mothers. Many of us believed that we were the best of the best because we were a stay at home moms.  The old adage, "A man works from sun to sun but a mother's work is never done" became words we understood well.  We heard many working moms say, "I don't know how you do it.  I had to get out of the house. Working is easier than staying home with screaming kids." We were so proud of what we were doing with our lives. Then, for some of us, life imploded. as we faced divorce. We lost our pride, along with more than we  could ever have imagined, as we were demeaned in court and in the world around us. We were now viewed as lazy, selfish, demanding, spoiled and greedy because we hadn't been paid or recognized for the job that we  had devoted our lives to. No gold watch here! We worked on our resumes but couldn't use "stay at home mom" as previous employment. We certainly couldn’t get a recommendation from our previous employer! We  found out that obtaining a job was difficult at best, even though our previous job description was so impressive.  Now, we find out that we are not respected by those offering employment, the courts or even by some of our friends or some of our children.  

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Really interesting interview and great questions Jory! After listening to Lisa Belkin, I am
oddly comforted in knowing that there really are no clear answers here.

The big Aha! for me: "Do what you WANT but know WHY you're doing it." When I think back on my (now almost 11!) years of marriage I can see how we both just sort of fell into the pattern of doing (or NOT doing) certain tasks.

Another interesting point I took away is that shared parenting Vachon or ThirdPath style is not necessarily a prescription for balance and that these modes of task sharing or reducing career hours do not fit with every personality.

There are so many layers to this discussion and many of the issues are byproducts of generational changes and attitudes towards gender and social expectations. Though it's difficult to do, it seems refreshing if not liberating to put gender aside for a tiny moment and ask, What feels right to me as a parent? What feels right as a partner? What feels right as a (career) person?

First, I want to validate our need to talk about the psychic trauma we experience as working parents. We have all had those super-mommy failures, when reality fell at least one diaper short of the beauteous plan to “have it all.”We could talk about it all day, and I think we should.

But, when Lisa says that if the women who “opted out” had stayed in the workplace they would now be running the world, I feel a little twinge of suspicion. I hope we’re not suggesting that the reason women aren’t running the world is because we don’t feel like it. That’s like saying that women don’t work in the hard sciences (engineering) because they don’t feel like it.  Or that gender parity is yet to come in my profession (stage directing) because chicks prefer the smaller, lower-paying gigs.

We all know that there’s an aging social assumption by which moms are crowned queens of the home while dads are kings of the workplace. And yes, I get that YOU are way beyond all that and are doing what pleases you best. And you, too.  And you. But I’m going to keep working towards equality. To me that means equal pay for equal work and equal consequences for engendering that precious new life. 

The "I don't feel like it" line also infuriated me for a minute and I think there is a lot of rationalizing injected into this way of thinking. The larger issue here is socioeconomics. After all, women who opt out are women with OPTIONS. And Lisa Belkin fully admits this.

What I also find interesting is the genesis of the notion of "having it all". When my mother found herself divorced, raising 4 yr old twins on her own in the early 70's, nobody spoke of having it all - you just did what you had to do. The women's movement and Title IX told girls and women that we could do and be what we wanted - as great as that message was, "having it all" is still something that eludes us. Technology is playing a role in changing this - enabling flex time for both genders. However, this too is a luxury arguably tied to socioeconomic strata. We're getting there but there's a lot that needs to change.

Super interesting interview, Jory. Thanks.

Here is what I take away: If women don't stay in the workforce, a) they will neve be CEO and b) they will never have the emotional/financial power to get out of making their husband's suitcases. So the opt-out revolution is lethal for women, their self-esteem and the role that they play in their marriage.

A whole different conversation can be had on why is this a woman's problem? Lisa Belkin is absolutely on the right track when she talks about involving men in the conversation.

Nazila Alasti

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