Should Polyamorous Parents Raise a Child Together?

monogamous people are too good parents!

Not all polyamorous relationships are open, and as such I feel like this is a poor representation. I'm in an exclusive poly relationship with two men whom I love very much. The way I see it, I could have been simply content with either one though my heart would have had a hole. But my heart was complete once the three of us started dating.

We're treating this as any other monogamous relationship, because that's what it is in essence. There are three of us, but none of us have any desire to date other people. I'm pregnant by one of my men, and we only had to find out the father for medical reasons, but they will both be dads to our child. 

I think it's definitely the wrong approach to judge poly people raising kids by this one situation. If she was raising that child monogomously, she'd still be a slightly, or more than slightly selfish, woman. Being monogamous sure as hell doesn't make you a good parent, but at least this kid gets to grow up with more than one loving dad, or maybe it won't work out and he'll be the child of a divorce, like so many other kids. That really isn't the end of the world.

I'm poly. I have a loving husband, and I love him dearly. We are also in a fidelitous relationship with our boyfriend and girlfriend. We comunicate well, take care of each other, and a year later, we're all very happy. I can honestly say that this is the healthiest relationship any of us has ever had, and we're doing better than a lot of our mono friends. Doesn't mean we're better, or that poly is better, but that it can work incredibly well if it suits what everyone in the relationship wants. I honestly think we're better equipped to raise kids, although that's not on the horizon for us right now, than a whole lot of mono people I know, but no one will question their ability based on their relationship style, because it's considered normal. I think it's a sad reality that people judge based on relationship style, Poly, Gay, or Single rather than parenting ability and love for the children. I've seen too many "Traditional" Families with miserable and even abused children to believe thats what matters.

It is a top question, but no matter what happen it is better to raise a child together. I believe it is a matter of discussion and understanding as long as your main and common interest is for the seek of your child.

I am the mother of an only child. I have no idea what it's like to raise multiple children, but it looks more complicated than raising just one. Let's take your concerns about poly parents and apply it to families with multiple children: The idea of people raising more one child doesn't bother me on principle, but I would hope that anyone who chooses to have more than one kid is thinking long and hard about what is in the child's best interest.

I just saw the trio in another interview. I'm starting to feel for Jon. I think he's attached to the son and won't leave because of this but looks like he's not completely into this arrangement. Looks like hes feeling neglected... How do poly's remedy this?

sorry - I have to make two posts because I exceeded the character limit.

Part 2:

I have been with my husband (legally married) over 10 years now. He does not date other people. I sometimes spend my very limited free time with 2 other men who live in another city and who I do not consider family, but they have spent time with my 2 year old son. If I had had my way, however, I would have LOVED to have had an extra husband during that first year!

What matters in the end is that my son is loved, my husband and son come first and all my decisions in life are based on what is best for all of us.

And I dare say poly is an orientation. I have never been happy being in a monogamous relationship. Even if I am not dating anyone else, I need to know I always have the option to, otherwise I feel like my personal freedom is being infriged upon and that disturbs me greatly. Some people can do only monogamy, some people can do either (I guess that`s the equivalent of bisexual) and others are only happy polyamourous.

Being poly all my adult life and knowing lots of poly families, I say there are many benefits for the child: 1) There is almost always someone home to care for the child, eliminating a need for daycare. At the same time, the child has a choice of confidents growing up and varied role models to learn from. One parent might be very good at cooking, another good at math and another good at boating. The child gets to learn a lot!2) Poly families are statistically university educated, usually holding at least a Masters degree, and are in higher paying jobs than the average family. Most of the poly families I know send their children to private schools. These children want for nothing when there are multiple parents and grandparents to spoil them :)

In general, no one parent becomes sleep deprived as there are many to ``take shifts.`` It takes a village to raise a child - well, the family becomes the village :)

You're thinking polyamory too much of a lifestyle and not a sexual orientation. Some people aren't wired to be monogamous, and frankly this article is somewhat offensive. Parents in polyamorous relationships are no more harm to children than single parents.

Frankly, I find this title is a bit offensive. What do you suggest people who are poly and have kids do, then? It's just another kind of blended family.

There's no reason why any particular family configuration should hurt or help a child. It is entirely dependent on the people involved. If they are good parents, they aren't going to up and abandon their kids, regardless of what happens between the adults involved.

If we're really concerned about what happens to children when adult relationships end, we need to reform our family laws to protect such children in every possible way--for example, allowing people to legally parent children together when they desire it, whether they are the same sex, whether there are more than two of them, etc. And we ought to be more interested in holding abandoning parents responsible for their children's welfare--I'm thinking deadbeat parents here.

There are many, many, many more children harmed by losing a parent when a good old-fashioned, patriarchal, heterosexual, legal marriage dissolves than will probably ever be harmed by polyamory.

Jaiya, here... had to chime in to give some clarity to our story. Thank you all for a great conversation about open-relationships and raising children. It's so great to hear people talking about these things. I have two things to clarify. 1- Notice in the interview on GMA that I never said that Jon was an "old" shoe. I said that he was a "comfortable" shoe and that is a big difference. The reporter actually said that he was the old shoe... I corrected her again after this but they cut that part out. 2- The quote "is one enough, two enough etc." was taken completely out of context. I was actually asking a question there... because i get asked this all the time. Here is what I actually said "I get asked this question from the media all the time, is one enough, two enough, three, four, five... right now I am pretty happy with my two guys..." They used me repeating the question, not answering the question. Hope this helps clarify. The media can edit things however they like. Overall, though, I thought GMA did a great job....

Go Jaiya...! She's just doing what the rest of us wish we could do: just keep adding to the "team" until there is an equal distribution of the domestic work between the genders. Let me know how many men it takes to accomplish "half" LOL. And before anyone screams at me about being so blatantly sexist, how many days do you get through without thinking at least once: "damn, I wish there were TWO of me." Maybe "group relationships" are the answer...

Raising a child is hard and creating and modeling a healthy relationship based on trust and honesty is challenging. I want my children to grow up and be able to have close healthy trusting intimate relationships (not sexual) with friends and family. Mono, poly, straight, gay - I don't think those things make as much of a difference as the actual quality of the relationships that children grow up seeing. It sounds like the folks who were on GMA have some work to do in the relationship department. Who wants to feel like an old shoe or feel like you might be dumped at any moment? I think the relationships dynamics sound rather lousy and un-intimate and un-trusting even if they claim to be open and honest.

Hey, thanks for the comments everybody.

As for the "should" in the title, I didn't choose the title. I probably wouldn't have worded it like that, either.

I just don't buy it, so I'll keep my husband and four children and leave everyone else out of it. Life is complicated enough with just two adults in a household...

I have to agree with the other comments. I was raised in a single parent home with a great deal of help from a grandparent, and I get intensely uncomfortable when any "shoulds" are applied to family structure. Like Jenna, I tend to think that what happens sexually between these adults has nothing to do with how they feel about or are raising this child. In terms of the "freedom to leave" this is true in marriage or any other arrangement. I don't think anyone really believes that religion holds people together a whole lot better than, say, a handshake.

Segments like these are chosen to be provocative, make people at home gasp and judge and feel superior. With so many types of families out there, it takes a little more to make us do that.

Considering we are living in a time where half of all marriages end in divorce, I think maybe we do need to consider the reality that the notion of what we call a family no longer works. People seem quick to judge poly folks but the difference between them and most folks is that they are honest. Presumably their kids will grow up knowing their parents have other partners rather than finding out years later mom or dad had a side person. Obviously many couples don't have outside relationships but many do, I am for honesty in the end.

In some ways I see arrangements like this as beneficial for the entire family, if they can make it work out. More people to share in all the stuff that most of us in 2 people relationships get bogged down in.

Hmm.

I kind of think asking "should" poly parents raise a child together is the same as asking should ANY parents raise a child together. There are no guarantees. No best way. You can argue that there's less stability in a home where one or more parties can just get up and leave, but I don't necessarily think that's true. And while some might be nervous about the prospects of bring in other people in their other relationships, I am most certain that they have set ground rules that not every Tom, Dick and Jane can just be brought in, meet the kid and have contact. Just because they're polyamorous doesn't mean that they're irresponsible with their relationships, their time, their boundaries or their child.

And, quite honestly, I'm all for more love for a child. I hate the attitude thrown at poly people just because they're different. Divorced families used to be different. Open adoption families are different. Different does not mean less than. Or worse. It just means different.