Poopy Finger Painting!

I caught my toddler fingerpainting with her poop this morning.


I was very tired when I woke up today. I had a hard time getting to
sleep last night. I chose to entertain my insomnia until 3am watching Dane Cook’s stand up performance named The Vicious Circle, or something to that effect. I took a Xanax
about 2am hoping that would do the trick, so I must have fallen asleep
somewhere between 3 and 330. I woke up to “Mama mama mama icky. Ucky.
Pee pee. Poo poo. Mama”. I somehow peeled myself out of bed, stumbled
down the hall, where the smell off poop got stronger with each step. I
immediately knew what I was in for, from previous experience. Sure
enough, I opened my daughter’s door, and was slammed in the face with
the awful smell of toddler poop. The poopy fingerpainting had kept her
busy while I was asleep. It was so gross I couldn’t tell if Lily had
stripped down before she pooped, or had pooped in her diaper and was
annoyed by it, therefore ripping it off after. She was totally naked;
clothes, a poopy smeared diaper, a poor dirty Elmo,
blankets, and a book smudged up the whazoo with poop. There was doody
everywhere! All over her crib, the sheets, everything in the crib, her
hands, and then I laughed. She had given herself a dirty sanchez. For
the sake of decency, I wont describe, but if you go to www.Urbandictionary.com,
you will find the definition. All I could do was wrap her in a towel so
I didn’t have to come in full contact of her, and plop her into the
bathtub. After she was clean, I had to somehow remove the lovely
artwork she had painstakingly created for me. I stripped the bed, and
threw all the clothes, animals and sheets into the washer. I scrubbed
the book and every square inch of her crib with Clorox
wipes, using up most of the giant sized container of wipes. I had the
fan on, her window open, and it took forever to air out. I made my
husband keep her busy while I was sanitizing everything. He had the
nerve to yell through the door and see if I was done yet. Oh, yeah
honey, I am, I just wanted to sit and bask in the lovely aroma, you
jerk off. This is not the first nasty excrement cleaning task I have
had to endure. But it is the worst. Poop is pretty gross. Lots of
bacteria, and can make you pretty sick if you aren’t diligent at
washing your hands and sanitizing wherever it has been smeared. To make
matters worse, you gotta scrub at it, because if it starts to dry up,
it really sticks! Too much information? Just trying to keep you
healthy, and help you out. Sorry. If anyone in your family has a
gastroenteritis (fancy pants name for a stomach virus that makes you
vomit, poop, or both) watch out. It is not only very contagious, but
you need soap and water to kill the virus on your hands. Alcohol hand
gels wont cut it. WASH your hands, for a minimum of 15 seconds. Clean
your bathrooms like you have to eat off the surfaces in there. I love
Clorox, Lysol or Mr Clean wipes for sinks, vanities and toilets. Lysol
toilet bowl cleaner is great, it smells like wintergreen mints. I also
use The Method (A Target product I think, because I can’t find it
anywhere but there) on showers and tubs. At the end, wipe or mop your
floors with Lysol floor cleaner, or just use a solution of one gallon
hot water to a quarter cup of bleach. Don’t forget to wash your rugs,
wipe the door handles down or spray with Lysol, and scrub the sink
handles and toilet flushing handle. A lot of work, but better than
barfing your guts out if you don’t kill all the germs. I am a total
germaphobe and insist on wiping down or lysoling all the frequently
touched surfaces. Door handles, refrigerator handles, the pulls on
cupboards, light switches, phones, you name it. I am a nurse and a
human being. I know how dirty people are and I appreciate a nice,
sterile house!

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