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Last year I enrolled both of my children in an after-school
gymnastics class at the local Y. My daughter was three and my son was
four at the time. I was excited that they would be able to participate
in a fun activity together after school and I knew that they would
enjoy the class.
It was the first day of class and I made sure to pick my kids up
right on time from their school so that we would be on time for the
gymnastics class. I had everything planned and prepared, but we were on
the clock and there was no time to waste - park the car in front of the
house, get up the stairs very quickly, change the kids into comfortable
gym clothes, eat a snack, go to the bathroom, get back downstairs, into
the car, and off we go, right?
Wrong. My daughter had other plans. She stopped at the stairs…going
up. She refused to come up to the house. I begged, rationalized with
her, told her how much fun it was going to be, begged her again, held
her hand, and pulled her ever so gently up the stairs, getting us about
halfway up to our apartment.
I was feeling so nervous. (Why? It wasn’t my class.) I had
a plan! Now we were going to be late. I wanted to get there early, help
the kids get settled so that they can feel more at ease with this new
beginning. There was no time!
I walked up the stairs myself; my son was already up and changing
into his sweatpants. Hey, one out of two - not bad. But still, my
daughter sat herself on the stairs crying and refusing to come up. I
was so focused on getting out of the house on time and so I started to
get the snacks ready for the kids, all the while calling for my
daughter to please come up. She refused, and we were getting nowhere.
I took a deep breath and stopped what I was doing. I stopped
thinking about where we had to go. I pushed everything else out of
mind, calmed down, and walked down the stairs to sit beside my
daughter. I sat next to her as if she was a good friend, one that I was
coming to give support to. I sat right next to her and asked her to
tell me what was upsetting her so much.
I had no idea what to expect; no idea what this three-year-old could
tell me in that moment. Did she understand my question? Did she have
the ability to tap into what she was feeling and then be capable of
expressing it to me? I did not know. (I only knew that nothing else was
working!)
But to my surprise and amazement, she looked at me and said, “Mommy,
I don’t want you to leave.” And then suddenly it all clicked. I got it.
My daughter thought that I was going to just drop them off at
gymnastics and leave them there until class was finished and come get
them when it was done. She hadn’t seen me all day and now I was going
to leave her again. Now, she said none of this, but I knew that that
was what she was trying to tell me. I knew because I cleared my mind
and chose to focus only on her in that moment. I believe that by doing
so I was able to understand what she was really trying to say. And here
is the proof.
I responded to her by reassuring her that I was going to stay in the
class with her, sitting on the side with all the other parents that
want to stay and watch, and I wanted to watch because I missed her all
day too.
Her response: a big hug, no more tears, and total cooperation. She
joyfully came up the stairs, changed her clothes, washed up, ate a
snack, went to the bathroom, came down the stairs and into the car with
no more complaints. (And yes, we made it on time.)
I am still amazed by that incident. It was so simple. All I had to
do was listen, really take the time to listen so that I was able to
figure out what was really going on with her and give her the support
that she required so that she could move forward. Wow, what a great
lesson that was for me. I was so amazed with my daughter and thrilled
that she was able to express to me what she was feeling (in her own
way, of course.) I felt like a superstar mom in that moment (woohoo to
me!)
Am I always a superstar listener (for my clients, definitely!)? It’s
not easy, and does not come naturally all the time. Telling
