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As Yoka says, "glad for you and sad for me" pretty much summarizes pregnancy announcements for those experiencing infertility and loss. It is hard to see someone else getting what you want--but, of course, that happens in all aspects of life. I am jealous of other people's jobs or possessions and I have a scorching case of real estate envy.
But I think the jealousy that stems from a medical condition is different because unlike our situation in life--how much money we have or who we meet along the way or where we live--we work under the belief that we are all supposed to be given the same functioning bodies at the figurative body-making factory. Religion, location, our parent's financial situation, their parenting skills: these are all variables that we can accept change from person to person even if we're unhappy with the cards we're dealt.
But uteruses and ovaries are supposed to work. We are not supposed to be carrying around organs that are non-functioning or malfunctioning. Eyes are supposed to see, ears are supposed to hear, and sometimes, seeing someone else's body functioning as ours are supposed to function brings out a reaction of anger or jealousy even though we would never begrudge another person's working parts.
Bean says it well at Hoping for Another Lovebug when she writes:
So I really do know that fertility is not a zero-sum game. Your pregnancy or Jane’s or anybody else's does not actually have any impact on whether or not, or when, I’ll get pregnant. But what funny things infertility can do to your head, what with the waiting, the frustration, the envy, and yes, the jealousy. I have to confess that sometimes when I see a pregnant belly or hear about the pregnancy of a friend, coworker, acquaintance, celebrity, really anyone, it almost feels as though my chances for a successful pregnancy decrease. Stupid I know, but honestly it does sometimes feel that way...I think it’s a lot like how I felt about the really popular kids back in school days. It was a lot easier to pretend that I didn’t like them, than to admit that I was just jealous and wanted what they had.
Bean admits that it makes her sound like she isn't a "nice person" and it's a topic that comes up often between the non-infertile and infertile world. It's hard to understand how you can be happy for someone else and sad about your own situation simultaneously. Or, even jealous or angry at the other person situationally without extending those feelings to the person as a whole. Bitter is a word that is often extended to those experiencing infertility or loss, though it often feels that the sensitivity afforded to other situations isn't broached within the family-building realm.
I don't think there is a huge divide between infertile and fertile but rather thoughtfulness and insensitivity. It's an insensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and tells them how they conceived on the first try (or, that their child is a complete accident). It's a sensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and therefore gives the requisite information and allows the other person to guide the conversation.
We know this instinctively with other facets of life. We don't walk up to poor people and tell them how much money we have nor do we gaily tell widows about how ecstatically happy we are with our partners.
We don't ask Grandma to buck up and deal with conversations about every detail of the wonderfulness of our marriage, but society does have different expectations when it comes to those experiencing a medical crisis. And this is not to say that we don't share with Grandma that we're married or not mention our partner in conversations with her. But rather, that we consider audience and save our odes for our partner for other people in a similar situation rather than someone who has just lost her spouse.
The idea is not
