Pregnant Belly + Bloat = The antithesis of hot and sexy.....

That Bloated Feeling

Being pregnant is weird in many ways but one particular challenge I face occurs after I eat. My stomach swells ON TOP of my little belly resulting in a massively tender swollen abdomen. Yesterday I ate some tuna fish (second time in almost 5 months so I think I am okay on the mercury quota.) I decided to take a picture to show you what I am talking about. Yes I have a little weird baby bump, but THIS picture is not of my baby bump- it's the baby bump PLUS a huge swollen gut. I should take a picture now to show how it went back to a weird shaped little baby bump after a couple of hours.

Egg nog, plus tuna salad + fetus.

What is annoying is that I read about this in my baby books. They all tell me not to drink any fluid when I am eating or else I will blow up like a puffer fish and they weren't kidding. Instead they recommended that I drink all of my fluid for the day IN BETWEEN meals because the size of my stomach has shrunk because my uterus is smashing it. Apparently none of the people that wrote these books were pregnant during December and January otherwise they would understand that I love Egg Nog and frantically bought up 4 cartons of it at the grocery store before they discontinue it for the season. I also like to drink carbonated water with a dash of juice. My belly swells so tight when I drink fluid it feels like the skin is going to rip.

Hence why I made an emergency trip to Hippie Land aka Whole Foods. I have been doing nothing but sleeping the past week because my poor pregnant body cannot convert back to days and what do you know- I'm back to work anyways tonight. So I went to Whole Foods to grab a few snacks and some belly oil. Now here is the fun part- I was wandering around in the toiletry aisle and decided it would be easier to ask where the pre-natal stuff was. The guy literally put his hands on my shoulders and steered me to a small corner of a massive shelf.

This is what he put me in front of:

Products I hope to avoid....

Nipple cream and anal balm for those pesky little rhoids hanging out cho' b-hole. Luckily for me, at least in this stage of the game, my nipples although dry a hell, are not cracked. And my asshole remains mostly in tact. And by mostly, I mean totally in tact.

I opted to get two of my favorite brands for my belly expansion: Mother's Special Blend (to use after I shower) which is by the same people who make my daily coconut skin lotion in Boulder, CO. I also got Mother Love's Pregnant Belly Oil Spray to use before bed. I figure Jiggles can rub it in for me as if he is slathering the skin of a pig that is being prepared for a roast.

We kind of look alike, no?

Overpriced but smells yummy.


Now if I can just remember to stop drinking with all of my meals so that these products last longer.
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WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2011

I'm Buying These Books Today

I followed both cases voraciously when they were written about in Vanity Fair and now I am going to cave in after watching Oprah at 3am. She was interviewing Mark F. and I found the interview so compelling and riveting I have to have more!


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A Sad Day for Women in Comedy

Ugggh I was reading the news (People Magazine for you rookies) when I came across this devastating article. For those of you that don't know, Kathy is kind of like Jesus to me. She is so hilarious and writes and tells stories in a similar fashion to me. Neither of us rely on punchlines, we rely on our ability to retell really awkward funny stories to get a laugh. I have enjoyed Kathy since the 90's and firmly believe she is a trailblazer in the industry so I am pretty sad to see her go.

For those of you that love women in comedy- and I swear to G-d if one of you even tells me how awesome Chelsea Handler is, I will projectile vomit on your face. Chelsea Handler is a second rate Kathy Griffin wannabe. Nothing she says is original or funny- the satisfaction she gets out of her own jokes irritates the crap out of me. Done. Wait back to my point. These are the funniest women in comedy (no particular order), take note:

1. Kathy Griffin (stand up)


2. Janeane Garofalo (stand up, Wet Hot American Summer)


3. Joan Rivers (stand up)


4. Judy Gold (stand up and her off Broadways are killer)


5. Amy Sedaris (Strangers with Candy)


6. Amy Phoeller (Upright Citizens Brigade, Wet Hot American Summer)


7. Tina Fey (I like her better as a writer than an actress, but she kills it either way)


8. Susie Essman (Curb Your Enthusiasm as Jeff's wife)


9. Aisha Tyler (most underrated comedienne of now, read her book Swerve)


10. Rachel Maddow (brilliant brilliant brilliant and hilarious)


11. Rosanne Barr (she is comedy gold, nobody talk shit or you're gonna have to step)


12. Rosie O'Donnell (priceless deliverer of comedy gold)


13. Sarah Silverman (I preferred her when she was a little less mainstream and way more offensive.)


14. Sandra Bernhard (underrated and brilliant)


15. Margaret Cho (loved her before she went mainstream)


16. Kelly Ripa (no not on her daily show, when she is on shows like Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, the bitch kills. She has a very sharp tongue and her facial expressions are to die for.)



 

Kathy Griffin: Why I'm Leaving the D-List

BY BRIAN ORLOFF
Wednesday January 05, 2011 09:00 AM EST
 
Kathy Griffin is off the D-list. 

The comedian is ending the six season – and Emmy Award-winning – run of her hit Bravo show, My Life on the D-List, she tells PEOPLE. 

"It was a really tough decision because I think of the D-List as pretty much my baby for the last six seasons and I also think it was really time to stop doing it," Griffin, 50, says by phone from L.A. "Reality is great, but I really didn't set out to be a reality star. So now it's time to spread my wings and show that I'm a little different than Kate Gosselin." 

"I'm not saying better," she says, laughing, "but maybe separate myself from the pack a little bit." 



Not that Griffin is leaving Bravo. 

In fact, the network has enlisted her for four brand-new comedy specials, which will air quarterly in 2011. 

"There is no better way to start off 2011 than giving Kathy Griffin an unprecedented four new stand-up comedy specials on Bravo in one year," network executive Andy Cohen said Wednesday in a statement. "Kathy's quick fire humor and ability to tap into pop culture make for must watch television." 

And Griffin is happy to hit the road for the network. "I just cannot get enough or do enough stand-up," she says. "And there's so much fun stuff going on – from Oprah's launch of [cable network] OWN … not to mention the newPaula Abdul show [Live to Dance] or who knows what celebrity run-in I've had myself." 

And, with the first special possibly taping in Milwaukee in early February, Griffin promises to keep her jokes fresh. 

"[I'm] trying to keep the material as up to the minute as possible," she says. "Audiences know when they come to see me live, they're going to see new stuff. [And] as long as there's a show called My Strange Addiction about a woman who only eats toilet paper ... then I have to do stand up." 

In addition to the stand-up specials, Griffin hopes to make a return to sitcoms in the future with an improvised series – think Curb Your Enthusiasm – that involves, according to the comedian, "some characters from the D-List that you've come to love, and then maybe I'll have actors play a couple other characters that are from my real life." 

And Griffin, who is a People's Choice Award nominee, has her sights on nabbing her first-ever Grammy Award at Feb. 13's ceremony. "First of all, I just want to win," she says of her best comedy album nod. "I have no deep answer for that. I just want to." 

"Second of all," she continues, "only two women [comedians] have won in the history of the Grammys: Lily Tomlin and Whoopi Goldberg. So I certainly would like it to go to a woman this year. A woman named Kathy Griffin. Perhaps you've heard of her?" 
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This One is Strictly for my Ninjas aka RNs



So if you happen to be a nurse and you read my blog I am about to make a very disgusting confession. When I get home from work, I wear my tennis shoes into the house. THE HORROR! I know. I walk around a Medical Surgical unit where poop, pee, bed bugs, crack cocaine, Hep C, AIDs, the flu, Heroin, blood, and other bodily fluid (ascites!) end up on the ground. I know. I know. Trust me. I work at a non-profit hospital and therefore our clientele bring in some interesting things which I then bring home. BUT I am trying to break this habit.

Our garage is detached and therefore I have to walk through the backyard into our house which is why I am lazy and don't swap out of my shoes or leave them in the garage. No more. Also my nursing shoes are the most amazing comfortable shoes of all time. I got custom Orthotics a year and a half ago (best investment of my entire life, $500 well worth it) and I wear them in shoes that angels in heaven made. I am taking about Reebok's Easy Tone tennis shoes. Now folks, I bought these in a vain attempt to sculpt my more than ample ass but what I discovered was that these shoes just feel like you are walking on big air bubbles. I didn't feel any weird muscles getting worked out; I only felt pure delight.

I love these tennis shoes but let me be blunt. These shoes ain't comin' in the house when I switch over to Labor and Delivery in a month. The amount of amniotic fluid and blood that ended up on my shoes when I was working over there before I worked on my Medical Surgical unit was excessive. In Med/Surge if someone is getting ready to barf, bleed, poop or pee, I step way the Eff back. But in Labor and Delivery, those are things that actually mean you get physically closer to the patient because well, it means their labor and progressing and a tiny precious baby is getting ready to be born (and I love it!) My Easy Tones will be taking up a new residence in my work locker since I don't even wear my normal hospital scrubs in L&D anyway. I get to roll into work in sweat pants and change into OR scrubs and my filthy baby covered shoes prior to walking onto the unit.

Therefore I had a dilemma. Jiggles and I are trying to drastically cut back on our expenses in preparation for our fetus making its acquaintance with our meager bank account. However I HAD to have these shoes. They are Easy Tones and these will be the ones I can wear around the house and out on errands and in our home gym. I got them in a new color as so to differentiate which ones are covered in placenta (should my work shoes magically enter our abode) and which ones are meant for real life.

I seriously love Zappos and can't get enough of them so I am very excited for these to get here so I can wear them with love on our treadmill while watching SATC.
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Hilarious

So as I mentioned below- we're dismantling all of the decorations including getting rid of the holiday pillows. I'm pretty inclined to throw the big ones away- I got them super cheap from Target. Here is the deal: it has been snowy here and Jiggles and I have been lazy about picking up the dog poop in the backyard, especially when it gets buried underneath the snow. This becomes problematic when the snow stars to melt because it creates mushy poopsicles that sometimes, NOT ALWAYS, the dogs track in. And since they are allowed on the furniture.... well you do the math. Anyway I thought you all might get a kick out of this picture of the boys because they look like a monster. I could try and explain whose feet belong to whom but it's funnier to just see it and laugh.


And here is a picture Jiggles sent me at work of all 3 dogs lounging on the holiday pillows and blankets- they are going to be so sad to see them go! Kermit is in the corner, Homer is in the "middle" snuggled against Kermit, and Matilda is in the foreground. I love my kids.

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Delicious Dinners!



I have to run to Target today to return a fireplace screen I bought and while I am there I am going to scope out the baby bedding I am on the hunt for. Currently I can't find any powder blue and chocolate brown bedding- just powder blue and hideous light diarrhea brown colored bedding. What gives? Yes I've looked everywhere obvious but thank you for the suggestions.

Anyway after I hit up Target (and look for tear away pants too) I am going to head to Safeway to collect the ingredients for a very special soup I am making today. I got the recipe online when I was searching for something vegetarian to make in our slow cooker. I think this recipe sounds intriguing and am excited for the smell of curry to fill our house while I take down our Christmas/Hanukkah decorations and do laundry. I am going to buy French bread to go with this I think unless I can find a really delicious and unique bread at the bakery. I did think for a second about using our breadmaker to bake something homemade- still might do that too- but for now, I'm leaning toward something easy.

Did I mention we DVRed Avatar and maybe we might actually watch it? I don't know if blue aliens and curried vegetarian soup go together but I am willing to find out.


Curried Vegetable Soup

3 star rating
 
A crock pot is used to cook a mixture of butternut squash, zucchini, eggplant, carrots and onion with tomato sauce, stewed tomatoes and a little vegetable broth. Golden raisins, cinnamon, and curry powder add flavor and interest to the mixture.
Submitted by: Idaho Cook1
See all Recipes from 
Photo by: Mdolphin88


Ingredients
  • 1 butternut squash, peeled, seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes
  • 2 medium sliced zucchini
  • 1 medium eggplant (peeled, if desired)
  • 1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
  • 1 medium onion, chopped
  • 1 (8 ounce) can stewed tomatoes
  • 1 carrot, thinly sliced
  • 1/2 cup vegetable broth
  • 1/3 cup golden raisins
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 2 tablespoons curry powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • Pita pockets or French bread
 
Method
Place all ingredients in slow cooker, stir to combine. Cook on high heat setting for 4 hours. Serve with pita pockets or French bread.
 
Notes:
This is a great recipe for a large group. It's easy, delicious and can accompany pita pockets or a loaf of crusty French bread.
 
Number of Servings: 8-10
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Working Out....Pregnant



Who here remembers Skipper? I know Melanie does! She is my other SATC lover!



So I really needed to get back in the swing of things with working out and although I don't plan on getting very aggressive in our home gym- I still needed to get active. This morning I woke up, had a Mango smoothie and then took Matilda to the park to warm up. Um DAMN, it is cold out there today! I think my face got wind chapped but I can't complain- poor old Matilda's feet were most likely freezing running through all that ice.

Oh wait- did I mention I took Jiggles' car and set off the car alarm and he was naked in the front door motioning at me to turn it off? Um hello dude! I would if I could! So he had to bust a move, run outside (in pj pants) and help me dismantle the alarm. Yesterday his car died in a parking lot and we had to use our new Geico Roadside Service- thanks Geico- you rule! This is all to be used in my argument that it is time to trade in the 4runner for....wait for it..... a minivan! I want the Sienna but Jiggles is looking at me like his wife done gone crazy.

Hey old friend.....

Anyway back to working out- when I got home from the park I headed into our home gym which is actually very nice. I just haven't been in there for 3 months due to me being a worry wart. When they thought I had a subchorionic hematoma they told me not to work out or have sex. I obeyed and took both vows seriously but now I have actively participating in both acts. I didn't do anything crazy today, I just walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes now and will walk for another hour later today.

Do you know what makes the workout easy and fun? Watching Season1 of Sex and the City. I have the whole series and so I love getting on the treadmill and watching them do everything fabulous that my pregnant ass cannot these days. For instance I was watching the episode where Skipper (remember him and his super round glasses?) is stalking Miranda, Carrie spends the night talking with an underwear model, and Samantha bangs that artist who is a modelizer and video tapes them having sex. Key things to take away from this episode? They ate greasy Chinese food out of the carton while drinking red wine (swoon!) and used all of their excess income (because none of them have kids or babies on the way) to dine at fabulous restaurants.

I avoid this crap because I am fairly certain MSG doesn't grow in the ground.

Question- why hasn't anyone invented delicious alcohol free wine? Or better yet, why hasn't anyone invented some sort of placenta barricade so that we can drink alcohol and our babies don't get exposed to wine? Anyway I love season one and 30 minutes flew by. I think I'm going to relocate a lot of my chick shows to the gym so that I continue to have this stamina for the remainder of my pregnancy- we've got 24.5 weeks to go.....

* Do you know what else I love about our gym? Homer and Kermit like to sit outside the baby gate looking in at me the entire time. It's adorable and when I move they gate, they coming running and jump on the treadmill. I wish I had their motivation!
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TUESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2011

LeAnne Rimes Boob Job- A Boob Job Done Right

Now this is how you do a boob job. Ladies of the Jersey Shore, take note. Those are silicone, not saline. And they still have time to settle down, it looks like her pec muscles are still a little tight. I am guessing this boob job is maybe 2-3 months old MAX because they still look a little tight and hard. She also selected an appropriately sized implant for her frame. Kudos to your plastic surgeon LeAnne, unless those puppies don't drop a little and soften up.

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Dying

Oh my gosh you guys. I cannot get enough of Leighton singing country music and WHO is this foxy man? Clearly I'm going to be buying the soundtrack and maaaaaaaybe seeing the movie. Keep in mind we rarely go to the movies to see main stream flicks- typically just Oscar nominated or very buzzed about indies. This  movie looks cute, but nothing to really write home about. Will you all see it?



And another gem from Mr. Sexy Cowboy Pants....

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The Nursery

So I bought this furniture a year ago when we moved into our new house and I got it on sale to boot. Today I confirmed the steal I got by visiting Babies R Us online and checking out their current prices. I spent around $700 TOTAL on all three pieces with zero delivery charges. Babies R Us has the crib going for $410, and each dresser piece going for $350 a piece. So their total? $1,110. I don't even know what their delivery charges would be but keep in mind these are considered oversized parcels.

Jiggles thought I was insane for buying this baby furniture prior to us even being pregnant, but I attribute my coupon hunting skills to a quietly ticking biological clock. This crib converts into a toddler bed so I was even thinking ahead! I definitely got emotional as I was pouring over baby bedding. We want to do our nursery in powder blue and deep chocolate brown- unfortunately all of the bedding I have found is pretty hideous. I do not want patterns and apparently that is all I can find.

I also am on the hunt for the perfect quilt. It doesn't need to match the nursery theme because I want this to be a special quilt that resides on the back of the glider for the baby and I to cuddle under while I breast feed. I have been pretty obsessed with the Brown Bear Eric Carle pattern that I have adored for decades. I've been looking around on Etsy and have found a few cute things- but nothing that screams- YOU MUST HAVE THIS.

I love this pattern for a baby quilt. I also love the Very Hungry Caterpillar pattern.


So Jiggles and I are going to pick out paint colors this week or the next- dark chocolate brown- for the walls of the nursery with white base boards. I've been on the hunt for nursery inspiration and have found some really gorgeous chocolate brown nurseries that evoke calm, decadence, and visions of milk drunk babies asleep on their mother's shoulders. Our wood floors are pretty light and so we have to take that into account- the brown walls could look hideous with them and therefore we're going to get a bunch of samples to try out prior to painting the whole room. The very last thing we will need to get is the glider, a rug and some curtains. The artwork will hopefully be something original and sweet that we find on Etsy. I'll keep you posted!

I really like the high backboard but enjoyed the clean cut of the wood- nothing to ornate or cheesy.

We might change the knobs on these with something from Anthro or Urban.

This will have a changing station on top of it.

And here are some of the gorgeous images of nurseries that are giving me (well sort of) the energy to work on the nursery. Part of me is pretty sad to be losing our upstairs office. We both have large oversized desks, book shelves, and a comfy reading chair by the window that our pups like to sleep in. I spend a huge chunk of my days off in the office working on various projects, blogging, and staring into our fish tank.... Clearly what will go on in this room will be more special, but the career minded woman in me remembers working hard on school projects in that room, applying for jobs, and landing my dream job in Labor & Delivery all in that room. When I envision myself applying for my doctorate and nurse practitioner degree- I imagine myself doing it in that room.

Now I will be changing poopie diapers, breast feeding, and probably drunkenly stumbling into that room from sleep deprivation to lift a baby out of the crib and soothe it while listening to classical baby music from a strategically loaded ipod. We're excited, but this is a big big change and sometimes it can feel very overwhelming as if it is happening to someone else.



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