A Pregnant Pause

So, it’s been a while. Trying to sum up all that has happened over the past month, since Oren’s birth, is totally daunting – like trying to run a marathon after being on bed rest for weeks on end. But I swear I’ll try my best.

I should start by saying that Oren’s birth was quite wonderful, despite the fact that I was unable to birth naturally, and had to have a second c-section due to low fluids in my uterus. My amazing doctor really took her time, and was incredibly careful and mindful in performing the surgery. My anesthesiologist was a godsend, and calmed my nerves with his incredible bedside manner. And my husband held my hand and talked me through the whole thing, making me feel loved and comforted and amazing. And then – best part of all, of course - Oren arrived - a big, beautiful, bouncing boy who weighed in over 8 pounds.

My biggest worry, pre-birth, was that Em might be slightly traumatized by the situation – it was only the second time I had spent a night away from Emmy since HER birth, and I thought she might be thrown for an emotional loop when here mama and dada had to spend several nights at the hospital. All my worrying was really for naught. Em did so well – having “sleep overs” with her Baba and Grampy, and spending time bonding with my parents, her Sabi and Savtah. I was so proud of my girl, and how resilient she was to change, even when it came without much preparation or notice.

And now our lives are forever changed. It’s funny. After Emmy was born, I often tried to think back to what life was like for C and I in our pre-Emmy days, and it was REALLY hard to remember what it felt like and what we did with all our time! Now, just weeks after Oren’s birth, I try to remember what life was like when it was just the three of us, and I feel like I have amnesia. What were our evenings like when we weren’t running around the house in a constant state of semi-chaos, trying to meet the needs of TWO kids? Why in the world did we think THAT life was exhausting?

I’ve got to be honest. The biggest, most overwhelming feeling I’ve experienced since becoming a mom of two (besides that sense of enormous, ridiculous love) is GUILT. When I spend time alone with Emmy, I feel so guilty about NOT spending time with Oren. I feel guilty that I am unable to give Oren the kind of attention I was able to give Emmy when she was a newborn and was our only child. When I spend time nursing and holding Oren, I feel like I am being a neglectful mom to Emmy, and miss the days when I could focus on her in a complete and total way. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I’ve told C that this is definitely going to be the biggest challenge for me. I mean, I can manage the balancing act of feeding a two year old while changing a baby’s diaper and preparing dinner (kind of). But figuring out the emotional balancing act – how to be “ok” with mothering to the best of my abilities, and not beating myself up for not being 100% mom to each of my kids ALL OF THE TIME – THAT is going to be the real task.

There is much more to write of course. Many more details of how each of us is adjusting to life as a family of four. But I have to save some material for tomorrow’s blog post.

Any words of wisdom to offer? I would love to hear any advice, thoughts, etc.

Dvora Koelling
Parenting with imagination. Or at least trying.

http://mooshkatoo.blogspot.com/

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