The Problem With Friends, (who are girls)

You know how some people are so desperate to make you their friend, they greet you with the obnoxious energy of an overgrown puppy - so eager to get your attention, that they practically knock you over? Yeah, that's not me.

At the moment, I'm basically friendless.  Peopleless. Except for my husband and kids. And in most ways, and on most days, I'm pretty happy with that. Well, the stubborn part of me is. The socially-anxious side. The snobbish side. The side that knows how much work it is to maintain a meaningful friendship, because I've been that friend before - and who won't settle on having a friend just to say I have one. I'm really not interested in friends just for the numbers,like the tally of "friends" some people are so proud to display on their facebook walls.  I really don't care to know, much less be friends with, that many people.

People exhaust me. Well, not necessarily people, but girls do. Sometimes, it's just easier to be friends with guys, because they (generally speaking, now) are-who-they-are. There's no secret code you have to know. Feelings don't get so easily hurt. Manners don't need to be as closely monitored. It's just simple - you sit back, have a beer, watch the game, and laugh at perverted jokes. The end. Fun times. No strings. I say this, knowing that I'm a walking contradiction. I actually do miss my girl friends. I miss girl-talk sometimes. But, my personality usually meshes better with guys. I just don't handle the girly-girl drama, backstabbing, judgments, hissy-fit-throwing, female emotions very well (and, yes, some guys act like that as well). I also don't speak their unwritten "code" you're supposed to know.

So, here are a few examples of my problems with friends, who are girls:

First up, is the "I'll fix you" girl - the girl who decides to make you her latest project. The girl, with her little-girl voice, so confident that she will be your bestest friend, she practically forces herself on you - except, in girl-rules, you're not aloud to say no. That would hurt somebody's feelings, and be so un-girl-like of you, which is the biggest sin to girls like that.  So she traps you, right as you're obviously trying to flee an overwhelming social situation. She traps you and holds you down, right there in front of everybody, so she has the protection of witnesses. She is so certain that she will be the one to break through your "troubled" exterior. But since her innocent little eyes are too pure to behold such ugly things, she pretends it's not there - which forces you to pretend it's not there - which just makes you angry. So you're forced to stand there, angry and uncomfortable, with uncomfortable conversation.Conversation that is predictably boring and dull, since she hasn't the slightest idea how to talk to you -  the troubled one. And then, sure enough, comes the invitation. The invitation that you already know that you'll be forced to say yes to immediately - because, remember, those are the girl-rules - but an invitation that you know you'll, unfortunately, be sick for. This is the girl who believes that her mere presence is enough to magically cure your affliction. That if she can just make you her friend, she will get the applause and adulation of the others, when you are healed - because she is the healer. Or, even if your friendship "doesn't work out" (obviously because of something on your end), she will still get the applause and adulation, because - hey - at least she tried to help you.

Then comes the clingy, needy, desperate girl. The girl who doesn't seem to have any friends at all, except the unfortunate new person who has just moved in. She pounces on them first, calls shotgun, and claims ownership. If she has you in her sight's, be prepared for a doozy of a friendship ending (frending). Her constant, daily phone calls -  instantly revealing her deepest, darkest secrets - which are pathetically not all that deep or dark. Her never-ending invitations to her house so she can talk about herself and her problems. And since that doesn't fill up the endless hours you're expected to stay there - she fills in the holes of conversation with everyone else and their problems too - secretly hoping that you will add your own juicy tidbits to her vast collection of gossipy "facts". So, you eventually stop answering the constant phone calls and texting. But then, she manipulatively uses your children against you - asking them, right in front of you, if they want to come over - looking right at you, with that sure look of desperate victory. She is the one who just doesn't get it without a clean break. And then, after you've finally pulled yourself free from her claws - her next unsuspecting victim moves in - and you have just added to her plethora of problems and gossip she'll so eagerly share with them.

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