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In the past three months, I’ve changed my job, my career and my place to live. I’ve left a big company, started a business, given up my apartment, and am planning a temporary move to another state, followed by moving back to the Bay area and then moving in—to a new house we hope to get together-- with my boyfriend.
If someone had told me five years ago that this was where I’d be in my life right now, I would have looked at them in complete disbelief, and yet everything that’s happened (except for getting laid off) is something I’ve created and/or chosen.
Two things strike me that are very different, and yet comparable:
First, heading into midlife is nothing like I thought it would be, and perhaps not much like the experiences of women before me. Instead of feeling like it’s time to slow down, I feel completely energized, in the midst of learning new things, and very connected to a wide range of ages and people. This slowing down thing just ain’t happening.
So, is age a state of mind, or whether your knees hurt?
Back when I was in my early twenties, I remember going to a birthday party for a co-worker who’d hit the magnificent dotage of thirty-six and admiring how youthful he seemed, for an old guy. In my early forties, back east and still married and in the suburbs, I remember discussions with neighbors about planning for retirement and the value of locking in vacation time shares now, while we all still had some money. Even a couple years ago, here in the Bay area, I listened to some of my high-tech friends, nearing the big 5-0, discuss how eagerly they were planning for retirement, and how close their accountant felt they were to almost having enough dough to bail.
Somehow, while others have been doing the big wind-down, I seem to have been practicing for my own personal big wind-up.
Slowing down, taking it easy, anticipating an eventual retirement, seem irrelevant when there’s so much opportunity, so many interesting problems to solve, the chance to create and work on products and programs I believe in and feel great about.
Furthermore, as much as I am having that typical set of midlife moments where I want to mentor ad teach and give something back, I also enjoy using my experience and knowledge to hit it hard every day. Somehow, my choosing to work this hard, or in this particular way, seems very different than what some of my peers are choosing, and certainly different than the way my mom was at my age.
Second, in some ways, the changes I am going through seem like the final set of transitions tied to my long marriage/somewhat recent divorce three years ago.
Freed of a long marriage, with my son off on his own and doing well in life and in college, I now have autonomy and a chance to recreate myself that feels unparalleled in my experience After all, the last time I was this unencumbered, I was twenty, fresh out of college—and what the hell life experience did I have then?
(Obviously, nothing near what I have now.)
To break it down: In the next two weeks, I will
- Move out of the apartment I lived in for three years after the X and I split up.
- Become even more fully engaged in the start up I am launching
- Start work on a another, related non-profit project that supports the greater good
When I come back to the Bay area later this summer, I’ll be (hopefully):
- Getting a new place in the East Bay (Oakland?)
- Moving in with the BF
- Finding a few great, progressive people who would like to share a house and have a social justice focused group house/community (if you are interested, LMK)
- Working insanely hard, but with joy, on all these new endeavors.
This is profound change. (And I did it all myself.) And it’s definitely linked to finally being far away enough from the past to be making my own choices. Choices I am making neither for someone else, nor in reaction to them, but because of who I am and what I want to accomplish.
But I’m doing this alone. In going through all these transitions, two things stand out: My sweetie, friends and family are the steady rocks that buffet so much upheaval. Without the deep ties I have (and knowing I have sofas to crash on), moving and giving up my place would be too scary.
