Project Runway Recap: We're in Single Digits with the Top 9

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"The horror, the horror!" -- aka, The Real People Episode

So, this episode of Project Runway kicks off with the guys gloating that with Becky gone, there are so many many more of them than the girls. They are gloating by referencing iconic gay anthems, namely "Another One Bites the Dust" (OK, maybe not an iconic gay anthem, but sung by an iconic gay dude) and "It's Raining Men." (No parenthetical disclaimer required on that one. Only: Did you know Paul Shaffer wrote "It's Raining Men"? It's funny because it's true.)

Anyhoo, this week Heidi freaks everyone out by bringing out not only real! people! with real! bodies! as their next clients. But the clients! are! dudes!!!

As KingJosh so succinctly puts it: "Bigger waistlines means more money." (Because you need more fabric, in case that wasn't obvious.)

It's rather comforting that they freak out about big men, not just big women, actually. As they start picking guys, it's clear they are picking because they think they're designing for them, with last week's winner Anya picking the slimmest dude. Of course, we know from the commercials that they're designing for the wives and girlfriends of the guys.

Project Runway Bryce
Image courtesy Lifetime TV

Olivier seems the most stricken because he, and I quote: "Doesn't want to make clothes for fat people." Why'd you ever move back to the States, sweetie?

They finally break the welcome news that they won't be creating menswear to the designers; the guys will drive the design process, but they'll get the women's real measurements. And they'll have two days for the challenge.

And a challenge it will be indeed, if the initial client consultations are any indication:

Viktor asks his client: "What store would she shop from?" He doesn't know.

Laura asks her client: What colors doesn't she like?" He doesn't know.

Bert's client only manages to convey that his gal is boobalicious. And he likes that. A lot.

KingJosh's dude wants his woman to be plain and simple, which makes him sound a little on the jealous and controlling side, if you ask me.

Bryce's client wants Bryce to create something simultaneously "cutesy, elegant, girly and in pink." And doesn't see the conflicts therein.

Anthony's dude wants to replace a dress he lost. I'd like to hear the story of how you lose a dress, but the idea of replicating an existing dress doesn't exactly spell high fashion. And BTW: His wife likes vintage and red and black.

Olivier exposes his absolutely-not-latent fear of women because oh my god: He doesn't want women to have boobs. It's a distraction. He is very disturbed that his client has "ginormous" ones. Those boobs to him are "trouble." Look, I could spend an hour analyzing this guy and how many ways he seems to have been traumatized as a child, but it's just not funny because it's so serious.

They go to Mood where that can spend 30 minutes and $200, but they don't show Swatch, so I don't care. No thanks to you, Mood!

Back in the workroom, the Project Runway team is deciding to suddenly go all educational on us.

First we learn all about "style lines" and how they help designers visualize what they're going to create.

Then we learn that when a man places his face between a woman's breasts and shakes his head around making a noise it's called "motorboating." (Courtesy of Bert's dude.)

I'm learning so much.

Laura's model shows up and is slender and attractive, to which Laura says "Thank God," and also "How did he snag her?" -- not perpetuating stereotypes at all. We also learn that her model has 16 brothers and sisters, and that she wants to be Barbie. Good thing she's working with GlamLaura.

Viktor's model shows up, and she is basically dressed how he's designing. On one hand: Perfect alignment. On the other: If she's already wearing it, it can't really be innovative fashion, can it?

We learn that Anthony's dude left his wife's dresses in an airport.

We learn that KingJosh's dude was actually right that his wife wanted it simple.

We learn that Olivier doesn't actually want to be a designer who designs for clients. His big ego is getting in the way. He doesn't want to take direction. He only wants to design for models who just wear it and shut up.

Then we get to Bryce. Bryce fabric is ugly Pepto pink. He wants to dye it. I guess they made Viktor not say "Pepto," instead opting for "anti- diarrheal." Gee, thanks. And we learn that it makes Viktor want to go to the bathroom. Again, thanks. And TMI. This all does not bode well.

Tim comes to visit, which makes all the wives and girlfriends very excited indeed (as would I be, make no mistake).

Tim loves Viktor's design, and this week Bert is returning the favor to Viktor and praising his work.

Tim is concerned about the proportions of Anya's kimono-esque dress.

Bert's client likes his wife's cleavage very very much, but Laura thinks it's disgusting. Hey, who asked you?

Olivier's client is very opinionated. Which he doesn't like. Tim says it looks crayon-y. Which Olivier like even less.

Laura is going full-tilt Barbie.

Kimberly's outfit leaves Tim speechless, but clearly with a furrowed brow of concern: "What is your concern, Tim?" Kimberly pleads. To no avail.

Tim is concerned that Anthony's dress is plain with nothing much there. And given the color scheme is red and black, he warns Anthony to "avoid any reference to Minnie Mouse." Sage advice, Tim. Would that he had followed it.

Tim is impressed that Josh actually managed to edit himself. And then Tim admires Josh's model's rack, saying, "It would be different if you weren't firm." What is it with this episode and breasts?

When it comes to Bryce, Josh thinks Bryce's mind is not there. His advice: "No more second guessing; do it." And instead, Bryce does the opposite and starts over.

Hair and make-up stuff happens, and as we know: I don't care.

To the runway. (But first, let me digress: There's going to be a Project Accessory, really? Are we excited?)

Heidi comes out. Looking like a hooker, actually. Where is poor Josh C., now?

She is joined by judges MK, ninagarcia, and actress Malin Ackerman. Leaving me to say…who?

As always, click on the designers' names to see their work.

1. Laura

Laura created a peacock blue strapless prom gown (or mother of the bride gown, perhaps). One side had an off the shoulder cap sleeve drooping down, and a weird wide front slit. I thought this was, once again, a really boring prom/bridesmaid dress. Not getting why she doesn't get called on it.

2. Anthony

While others called this dress a cheerleader outfit, it reminded me of a stewardess uniform: Red skirt, atrocious white belt, black sleeveless top with red v-neck. Well-fitted, but just that plain and oh so boring.

3. Bert

Bert created a simple plunging v-neck mini-dress in black/white pattern with a black sash belt. As per usual well-made, but as per usual, perhaps a little outre and nothing innovative about it.

4. Josh

Josh created a black knee-length dress with square neck with sheer inset and full skirt. It was a nice take on the little black dress, although a bit funereal. And also, once again, like all the outfits this week: Not particularly original or innovative. This, like all the outfits, seemed like it could be bought off the rack today. And I could have done without the incongruous turquoise blue stilettos. Nice, but not earth-shattering.

5. Bryce

Bryce created an unfortunate pink shift dress with thin black belt and weird pockets all around the hip area. The square cut-out back was the only interesting feature. The biggest problem, though, was that it was not that well-tailored.

6. Kimberly

Kimberly created a black mini skirt in some shiny texture, paired with a fuchsia one-shouldered top with lots of pleats and folds. Wasn't a big fan of the big exposed zipper down the back but I did think it was a good, booty-honoring fit.

7. Olivier

Olivier created a one-shouldered butter-yellow top with slight peplum on the same side as the shoulder. The top also had lots of seams that seemed to be pulling. It was accompanied by navy pants that indeed go up her butt, as she and her husband had complained during the design process (and that Olivier promised he would handle).

8. Anya

Anya created a big black and white patterned one-shouldered gown with a long sleeve, a cutaway front, long train. There was a wide obi at the waist, secured by a rope belt. It was nice, but it didn't blow me away.

9. Viktor

Viktor created some adorable separates that were perfect for his model. They included a teal short sleeve blouse with sheer shoulders and décolletage, paired with a dove gray high/wide-waisted skirt with pleated skirt panels and wide yellow block all around the hem. Like I said before: Adorable, perfect for his client, and that's kinda the problem.

Kimberly, Olivier and Laura are safe and leave.

The judges like:

Anya: Although, there's some controversy over the sleeve

KingJosh: They praise him mostly because he didn't bedazzle her. And BTW: Oh yuck on the wedding talk. Where is Denise Tanton shouting about "Patriarchy!" when you need her?

Viktor: They think he over-accessorized, but was otherwise spot on.

They don't like:

Bryce: ninagarcia dislikes there are too many details. Pockets AND the bottom edge AND seams AND the horrible belt. The dress is wearing her. Heidi: The pockets too big. Malin: It doesn't really fit well. MK: Tailoring isn't good. She slept in the car on the way to the wedding!~

Bert: It's too safe, although made well and cut well. nina: Too much…too short, too tight, too shiny. Of course, no surprise: Heidi likes it short, tight, shiny. But MK sums it up: Too safe, show us something different.

Anthony: The white belt sucks. They go through a series of suggested uses for this outfit: Superhero ice skater, cigarette girl, cheerleader outfit. Heidi: Super safe and super-boring.

In the end:

KingJosh is the winner.

Anya and Viktor are safe.

Bert is safe.

So, it's down to Anthony and Bryce, with Bryce getting the AUF.

That's been coming for a while, don't you think?

Elisa Camahort Page
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