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The Stiletto Mom threw down the gauntlet
last week, daring others to boldly go where she had in posting
devastatingly horrible pictures of herself in high school. (Actually,
she looked pretty cute to me.) You have to check out her blog to see the pink taffeta ruffled jobby she wore to prom because her shoulders were too sexy to show (or so her mother thought).
ANYway, last night, I dug out my high school album and scanned
samples of my lovely wardrobe from 1983-1987, the good old days of
Rangeview High.
<partial humiliation>
Now first of all, You have to remember it was the ’80s, with big
hair, the bigger and more frosted the better. Even that, I have to say
I was HAWT in high school. Hawt and skinny and blonde. God knows why I
hardly ever had a date. Maybe I was just so devastatingly HAWT none of
the boys had the balls to ask me out. But I digress.
The fashion show begins in 1983 with my freshman photo.
Note the bi-level haircut and my natural color. And the Izod. Oh,
lord I was so happy to have that Izod, because it meant I was not only
HAWT, I was COOL. What you can’t see is that I have absolutely no tits
whatsoever. Jody Tabb would sit behind me in class and whisper “Flat as
a board! Flat as a board!” Maybe he was trying to get me to flash him
my itty bitty titties. Guess, what Jody, joke’s on you because now, I’m
a 36 D and you can’t see ‘em nah, nah nah nah nah.
I think he’s in prison somewhere.
Let’s fast forward to 1984.
1984-1985 was sophomore year, my second year of four on the pom squad. It’s
odd that I don’t have tons of photos of me in my uniform, because
that’s pretty much what I wore 3 to 4 days a week from the first day of
school until mid-spring when basketball season was over. I still have
my skirt, which I think Lauren could wear now. Did I mention I was
skinny?
I think the rest of my photos are still on the rolls of film
somewhere at my parents’ house. My mom’s notorious for never developing
them, and the move before last, I took in a bunch of rolls for
processing. Most didn’t turn out, but the one that did was nekkid
pictures of my little brother’s girlfriend showing off her pink bits. I
don’t think my mom took those. ANYway, the few pictures that did get
printed were the ones Ganny, my dad’s mom, took. First up: me in my
Baskin-Robbins uniform.
It’s so lovely and brown. Note the lack of bilevel, and the
increasing blondness of my hair. Note the expression. I was never meant
to be a model–still can’t relax in front of the camera. Also, note the
ass-end of the Ford Gran Torino stationwagon, complete with air jacks.
This was my first car.
Sidenote to parents of girls: Do not give your daughter a car with a backseat she can stretch out along.
Then we have Ganny’s lovely pictures of me in my BATHING SUIT next
to Gus Hendricks, now my FBF (Facebook friends to you novices).
Gus was a hottie I had a crush on, and his dad got transferred to
Louisiana, a town right next to my grandparents’. So, he came to visit.
Now: check out my legs. Seriously. And when I bought that swimsuit (see
the alternating purple and black Vees meant to slim my 24-inch waist?)
I thought it made my thighs look fat.
Finally, yet another awkward moment in front of the camera. I was
going out on a date Ganny, the eternal matchmaker, set me up on the day
Gus left. With a guy who was (still to this day) the WORST kisser on
the planet. I only kissed him because I felt obligated. Mushy. Yuck.
But I looked cute, huh? I think the white plastic beads from the
Limited really make the whole thing work.
My junior year, 1985-1986, The Limited was my favorite store. I
actually saved up for this mustard yellow sweater vest (note upturned
collar–sweet!). I grew my hair out by Christmas, and PERMED it. Oh
yeah! Eating chocolate fondue on the lovely floral couch with me, my
BFF and now FBF, Vivian Plummer. She was stylin’ too. Check out the
brooch at her neck. Sexy.
My junior year kind of sucked. I
