Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Last
week I had it together. I managed to find time to work out, write, do
some business and spend time with the kids. I even went with a friend
to my very first Torah study class.

It was a good week.

This week...not so much.

I
spent ALL of my free hours yesterday with a friend (thank you, Elisa)
working on administration of THIS blog. It's like sinking all your
money into the plumbing or the roof of your house - nobody notices it
but you. To make matters worse, after all that time, we were able to
complete some of the tasks but two of the most important ones remain
unresolved.

Aaaargh!!!

Then to add salt to my already
burning wounds, I read a glowing article in a well-known metropolitan
newspaper about a high school friend who has turned a previously
fledgling division of a huge corporation into a profitable company. She
now heads up additional divisions of said corporation AND is the mother
of three kids.

Aaaargh!!!

Okay, I'm thrilled for her. She
was very nice. She was very smart and destined to do big things. But
coming from the same origins, being her friend, I feel as if I've come
up short.

Before reading about my
friend I was satisfied. I had my little business, my little blog, my
family. But reading that article raised something buried deep within me
- hunger. Now my little business, my little blog - seem, well, little.
I don't regret having left the corporate world (it was NOT for me). I
don't regret being the primary caretaker for my kids. So, what's my
problem?

I regret not working harder to achieve my dream.

That was a difficult sentence for me to get out.

Reading
about my friend's success forced me to look at my life, my age. How
I've spent all these years in comparison. It's a bitter pill. Although
I love my life, I have not achieved success in writing, personally or
professionally, and I have no one to blame but myself.

My
little blog is a start. I created it to force myself to put my words
out there for others to see. I can't help but wonder where I would be
if I put all my fears of mediocrity aside and got down to the serious
business of dream-making.

Scary.