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I'm not sure where we moms got the notion that we should put everyone else first, but as soon as I finish packing my kids' lunches, reattaching this button, supporting my husband through his mom's recent illness, and putting together this report for the PTA, I'm going to figure it out.
Oh. Wait....
I'm sure that some fathers are similarly afflicted, sure, but primarily it seems to be the domain of the mother to see her service to her family as paramount. And then many of us who are employed by humans other than the resident midget dictators will compare notes endlessly on the "juggle" of managing both work and home. "Work" being career, and "home" being our family and that never-ending pile of laundry.
It's rare that I remember to say "I need," and rarer still that I remember to say "I want." And it's not that I don't want or need things (seriously, how much time do you have?), it's just that I somehow fall to the bottom of the list.
Is it a case of low self-esteem? Nah; I know I deserve the same consideration I afford those I love. Is it a case of martyrdom? Occasionally I suppose it is, but not most of the time. Fatigue? I think we're getting warmer. And that's... sort of pitiful.
I got started thinking about this thanks to pwise79's recent post here on BlogHer, wherein she starts talking about needing to do a bit of personal landscaping (ahem) and quickly moves to the heart of the matter:
Not only is it the lack of time, but there is the guilt factor as well. As a mother, my life is riddled with guilt. If I take time and money to go do something for myself, I feel bad. I feel like I should have spent that time and money with my kids, or doing something for the house. How much do we, as mothers, need to sacrifice before we feel like we are doing enough? And is it important for us to have interests and activities for ourselves?
The answer is HELL YES! If we don't take the time to cater to ourselves and take care of our individuality outside of motherhood, we are not going to be the best mothers we can be. A happy, well taken care of mother is a good mother, in my opinion. We may feel that it is selfish or frivolous, but really, why are we less important than everyone else?
Ahhhh. She said the "g word!" That's guilt, folks, or maybe it's Guilt (capital G) because it often seems so inescapable. When I find time for my children, I'm a good mom. When I find time for my husband, I'm a good wife. When I find time for clients, I'm a good employee, and when I find time for church or school committees I'm a responsible citizen of my community.
When I find time for me I'm... selfish.
And therein lies the rub, for most moms. It's not selfish -- not in the pejorative sense, anyway -- but so many of us feel like it must be. And yet, I know that some of the best parenting and partnering I've ever been a part of came when I had been taking excellent care of myself (and hence was at my best for those I love, too).
I think it's high time for us moms to take back our self-hood. Not in the "I'm worth a manicure, tee hee" sort of way, but in the unapologetic prioritizing of our needs apart from everyone else's as an integral part of our lives. I've lately tried viewing my "wants" as though it were my kids or my husband with the desire, rather than me (this may require a bit of creative substitution, but you get the idea), to help me view it more objectively. And what do you know -- often the thing I figure "isn't necessary" for myself becomes an "of course that's a good idea" when I consider it as if someone I loved wanted it.
We all know that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Mama shouldn't need permission to get happy, but if she does, consider this: It's really a service to everyone else to take care of yourself. Really.
Check out these moms putting themselves first for a change:
Mama Daisy took a day off and got whipped cream on her fancy coffee;
Jennifer at Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom made a fabulous meal for herself (that
