Quest for New Life


I'm not even sure where to start so I'll start with now....


After many ups and downs and disappointments and probably blessings in disguise...I'm here, the fifth day of my IVF cycle.  Let's take you back to the first day.  I drove up to the hospital (I was summoned by my medical fertility team) completely in a haze/daze/total confusion and probably in the middle of a mental breakdown after yet another unsuccessful IUI cycle -- a nurse (now my nurse) and a doctor (apparently my new BFF) propped me up on a table, spread my legs, inserted ....quite a few instruments -- minutes later I heard "great, the mock embryo transfer is done, now draw her blood".

Then I was in a room (not sure how I got there or even how long I was there) being shown how to inject myself with the various drugs I'll need over the next 2-3 weeks in preparation of an invitro fertilization.  "You have to return with [your husband] so we can show him how to inject your look like a deer in headlights.  Do you have a living will?  Did you both sign the consent forms?  Did you absorb anything we taught you today?"  I just nodded anxiously (or perhaps frighteningly).   Everything was a blurr.


That afternoon....I returned my girlfriend's call, not because I was in the mood to talk or share ....but because I needed an escape from my torturously loud and disruptive thoughts racing a million miles per hour!  She was excited about her upcoming trip to Barbados and went on and on about her new hairdo and shopping and the anticipated lovely weather and the beach and the sunset...she probably heard the echo of my heavy tears splash on the tile floor of the library gallery I entered to hide from my reality....   She prayed with me.


At 10pm, I was to prep an injection pen with 150 units of Follistim and inject into my lower left abdomen.  ...but not before holding the needle dangerously close to my abdomen (accidentally stabbing myself a few times and drawing blood) as I trembled and wept for a good 35 minutes....out loud...while my husband stood by me, helpless.  He couldn't rescue me from this one....I had to learn to self-inject, as it would be one of many in our long journey ahead.  It would be one of many daily trips to the hospital for blood work and ultrasounds, to monitor my vitals and determine the injection dose for the next day -- sometimes up to 4 painful injections a day -- all working in tandem to stop my body's normal ovulation cycle, manipulate it to produce multiple follicles with multiple mature eggs, so they can be harvested, inseminated, then implanted back in my body.  By the way....that's essentially the definition of IVF.


Today -- I'm an emotional wreck.  The manipulation of my hormones has been quite challenging for me emotionally and mentally.  I'm sorrowful, tearful, half-present in conversations, depressed, incredibly tired often, vulnerable, paranoid (as hell), impatient, not confident....and the list goes on.  You probably need a little please, tune in for more!





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