I Regret Not Spending More Time with My Son
By these fragments i love on July 18, 2011
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[Editor's Note: I wept openly as I read through the regrets Crystal is sorting through since the stillbirth of her son Calvin. It's not an easy read by any stretch, but it's one that I hope all moms who are facing the death of a baby get to read before they say goodbye. Calvin's story is also a hard read, but shares information about Amniotic Band Syndrome. If you've lost a child to stillbirth, did you take those pictures or spend time with your little one? -Jenna]
I would think about how I should have opened his blanket and looked at every part of him—I didn’t even see his hands or feet. I felt like he was too fragile to touch. I only knew his weight through the blankets. That same fear about his body being incomplete, I felt it at the hospital. I was holding Calvin after I got out of surgery to remove the placenta, and I started to open up his blanket. Then I froze with fear. I think maybe it was the anesthesia still messing with me. I wish, I wish I could go back to that moment with a clearer mind.
I agonized (I still do sometimes) over not holding his hand in my fingers. I feel so jealous, and sometimes like such a failure, whenever I see photos of a baby’s tiny hand on their mommy’s fingertip or when I see photos of babies holding their parents’ wedding rings. If he wasn’t too fragile to be dressed and cleaned up by the nurses, then I should have been able to touch him—Why could I have figured this out then?
Photo Credit: babasteve.
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