Raisins + Babies = Horror

Take me to the head mommy blogger. I have a complaint I need to voice.

I feel I am owed an apology from the mommy blogger collective for something they failed to tell me. Sure, they told me that the first weeks would be hard. They told me that I should get used to the humbling experience of being essentially topless during the first months of my nursing baby’s life. They told me that I should probably document every single second of my child’s first year because it blows by so quickly. They prepared me for the horror of my child’s first fever.

These mommy bloggers are passionate in their cause to get us all ready for every possible contingency. They’ve done it all and seen it all and it’s their fervent desire to make us all as savvy as they are at this parenting game.

So why did no one ever tell me to think long and hard about feeding my child raisins AND cloth diapering her? WHY WHY WHY? Had I known the unfortunate consequences of giving C raisins and then having to launder her diapers after said raisins had run their course, I never would have offered her those nasty little things. Toxic does not even begin to describe their state at the end of the road.

Oh I'm sorry. I was just throwing up in my mouth.

Oh I’m sorry. I was just throwing up in my mouth.

I deplore raisins anyway. Always have, always will. To me, they look like globules of mashed-up ants that have been adhered together with tar. They have the consistency of snot. And that’s not even describing their flavor. Even though it was 1986 the last time I ate one that wasn’t buffered by a cookie or cereal, I recall the flavor being similar to what I imagine my mouth would taste like after vomiting up gummy worms after smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds. So, there’s that.

However, since C’s brain is not hardwired against raisins like mine is, I gave them to her (after checking with her pedia…gah.) What a mistake that was. Mommy bloggers, why didn’t you warn me? You didn’t have to spell it out and provide details as to why the combo of cloth diapers and raisins is the most horrendous thing ever. I would have believed you without those foul, explicit details. I would have taken your word for it. A small warning would have sufficed.

BUT NOOOOOOO, you decided that I would have to take one for the team and learn the hard way that those things blow through babies like a nor’easter combined with a dinosaur and Mike Tyson. I thought I had the cloth diapering thing down. Since it’s my baby’s poop, I could deal with it. Well, hell hath no fury and all that. The raisin poop is where I draw the line. That stuff could not have possibly been created by my sweet child.

I demand a refund.

I demand a public apology.

You, mommy bloggers, have dropped the ball. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not taking it anymore.

I’m picking up your slack. Here is my advice to those who don’t yet know. I won’t mince words: do not feed raisins to your baby. The end product simply isn’t worth it. Wait until they’re potty trained. Due to my discretion, I’m not going to tell you exactly why this is a horrible idea. You’re just going to trust me on this one.

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