Recession and Divorce: Living With Your Ex to Make Ends Meet
by Nordette

My ex and I stayed in the same house while we were divorcing far longer than we should have. It was torture, a scene waiting for a crime of passion, but I heard yesterday that more couples are choosing to either postpone divorce or to divorce but still live together.

Divorced spouses are dividing living space in the same house, creating charts for time alone and time with children, and even keeping mum as they watch their exes get dressed and leave on a date all because they can't sell the family home and live separately. So, no more love will keep us together, but debt will make away.

My former husband and I were fortunate because we sold our home about a year before the bottom began falling out of the housing market. The woman in the video below, Sallie Frederick, and her estranged husband were not so lucky, and so, they may complete their divorce but live together for months afterward.

She talks about lack of privacy and not being able to work on her computer, which she keeps in the kitchen, because she doesn't want anyone looking over her shoulder. Her husband of 15 years lives in the guest room.

I wonder why she doesn't move her computer to her bedroom. (My ex wanted to live in the guest bedroom next to the master bedroom, but I asked that he live in the finished basement instead. Next to me was too close for comfort.)

Here's some text from the video if you don't have time to watch it.

Celebrity divorce attorney Raoul Feder says the Frederick made the right choice. "As far as the house is concerned, it is very sticky. People have to decide how much they hate each other, because if they can still live with each other and the house or the apartment is big enough, they ought to stay together and wait for a rising market.

Add divorce to the list of casualties of the recession. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 37 percent of attorneys polled reported fewer divorces in a bad economy. [Reporter] ... (partial transcipt)

Frederick and her husband, who did not want to be on camera, have stopped paying separate attorneys and started using a mediator to keep their divorce costs down. That's smart if they still trust each other enough to believe one will not try to shaft the other financially.

ABC's Diane Sawyer covered the divorce during recession topic in a February 19 report called "Divorced But Living Together" (video here), which I discovered through an amusing post, Forget the Kids ... , at Open Salon. ABC follows the Joyces, a couple with children who've been divorced for a year and a half but still live in the same house. The couple says it's confusing for the children.

Later in the story Sawyer talks to author Terry Real who's written a book, The New Rules of Marriage. He gives tips about how to get along with your ex while under the same roof to avoid traumatizing your children. As you may expect, they're the same rules you should follow if staying married with one exception, "leave as soon as possible."

BTW, the ABC story mentions blogs about people who live together but are divorced, quotes the blogs, but doesn't name or link to any of them. That oddity made me consider not linking to ABC's story, but that wouldn't be fair to you the reader, right?

I've looked for these blogs that Sawyer quoted, but I haven't found them, except Lee's Divorce & Family Law Blog. If you search "divorced but living together," that's what you'll come up with, lots of law blogs. However, in comments on posts here and there some people say they've lived with an ex. If you know of personal blogs about exes under one roof, then I invite you to add links in the comment section.

Is It Ever a Good Idea to Live With Your Ex?

The women in the following video from AfterEllen, speaking about both male and female lovers, say "No," and share a few tales about sharing space with a former lover, wife, or husband for the sake of saving money.


In the video, they cover the complications of having over a new romantic interest while still living with an ex. Can you say awkward?

Wisdom you may gather from watching the AfterEllen video is relationships aren't that different regardless of sexual orientation. Most people don't want an ex lover/spouse hovering when they start a new life, but I'm sure some people exist who could work it out wonderfully.

Still, after snooping, I can't find anybody, gay or straight, who thinks living with your ex would be delightful. Elisa at MotherTalkers, for instance, thinks having to live with your ex would be a nightmare. The only people who seem to encourage considering such living arrangements are therapists. In fact, the UK TimesOnline reports marriage counselors are seeing more couples who can't afford to divorce, and so want to make their marriages work.

This phenomenon of living with the ex for financial reasons makes me wonder: If people can get along well enough to live in the same house or choose to postpone divorce for the sake of money, what went wrong in the marriage that they feel they must divorce? Is it about loss of passion?

Passion is fleeting, something you have to work at once the first six months of infatuation chemicals wear off. If you had it once, usually you can build it again unless you have a deep issue like the inability to recover from a partner's infidelity or one of you is abusive or is an unrepentant crackhead.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil at the MoneyWiseWomanBlog, who believes in sticking it out, thinks couples who've put divorce on hold for financial reasons may be overlooking a relationship advantage:

If nothing else, the financial situations of many couples are forcing them to think harder about the “ease” of divorce – and I'm a firm believer that most marriages can be saved. Of course it's miserable to share your home with someone who – if things had gone differently – would've been out the door months ago. Take this opportunity to re-evaluate more closely the reasons for breaking up or divorcing, it may end up being just what your relationship needed. ("Sleeping With the Enemy")

Cracked-up economy or not, living with your ex for supposedly practical reasons isn't new, and in some ways is only a spin on the marriage of convenience. I found a 2006 forum on a dating site, Plenty of Fish, in which both men and women tackle this issue. But some people, such as BiggerGuy, think staying for convenience is never the right move.

If you are still together under the same roof .... the only thing broken up is your feelings. Get out .... get another place ... take the kids if you are the main caregiver and move on with life. In your present situation you will only learn to hate each other and the kids will hate to be around both of you. If she realy is your ex and you realy are broken up you do not belong under the same roof. That is cruelty to everyone involved, and completely stupid. (when living with your ex becomes @#$)

I've got to agree, but as the cases mentioned in this post show, in this economy considerations for feelings go out the window.

More Links:

Now, to all you unhappily married humans, please don't despair. If misery loves company, you've got companions. Low funds is a double-edged sword for love all around, even for single people, as BlogHer's own Susan Mermit discusses.

Were it not for the housing crisis, divorces would more than likely go up during this recession. Usually, money troubles give love a black eye.

This post is an expansion of an earlier post at WSATA.

Nordette is a BlogHer CE whose personal blogs are WSATA and UMBOP. Also on Twitter.

Submitted by Nordette (view blog) on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 12:49am

Comments

 

I lived with my ex-fiance for like 8 months.

We'd practically just renewed the lease! Yeah, it was cheery. I slept on a loveseat for a few months. But thank goodness we had a two bedroom!!!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 08:11
 

Sounds not fun

Just signed the lease so I guess that means just broken up.  Sounds NOT fun.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 10:41
 

Just to clarify

This was like ten years ago. But yeah, it was really not fun!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 10:50
 

;-) Yes, let's make that clear.

It's a good thing you clarified that Liz, otherwise, all the playahs would flood your email box hoping you'd cry on their shoulders during your rebound period LOL.

I figured it was years ago. You don't seem like one of the recently slaughtered. :-) 

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 12:18
 

Divorcing Couple About To Sell The House

A couple I know are about to divorce but can't afford to keep the house they're living in now.  So they may end up actually buying a condo or something and living there together while going through the divorce.

Strange bedfellows indeed.

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/Online Video

Megan's Minute 

Submitted by Megan Smith on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 12:10
 

Absolute insanity!

I guess they get along well enough for that. Yeah, what you said, "strange bedfellows." heheh.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 12:19
 

But They Don't Get Along!

Well actually, they don't get along well enough to continue living together!   That's one reason their getting a divorce. 

But they've managed their money so badly, they're going to lose money on their house and have to dip into retirement money prematurely to live on.

Combine that with a lot of anger and you see where this is headed.

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/Online Video

Megan's Minute 

Submitted by Megan Smith on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 13:29
 

Love the exclamation point, Megan. LOL.

Yeah, I see exactly where it's going. News at 11.  But I hope not.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 13:30
 

Been there, don't recommend it

My ex and I lived together for 10 months before he finally moved out. It was hard but fortunately, he had a new "friend" he could go spend the night with from time to time. When he finally moved out, it was a relief. Our divorce won't be final til this April and I admit, the downturn in the economy scares me. What if he can't continue to help me with the mortgage on the house the kids & I live in? We get along so much better now that he has his own house, I shudder to think of ever living with him again.

Visit me at "The Pug Who Thinks Too Much:" http://pugsthinks.blogspot.com/

Submitted by Pugs on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 18:49
 

Did I hear a "Never again in that"?

I'm with you on the been there done that and I've got the t-shirt packed away with my ballet slippers.  Oh, the misery!

I know some people divorce and remain quite chummy, friendly enough to still hit a movie together. I can't understand that and maybe it's because I'm more traditional than I'd liked to admit. I think marriage is hard work and if people still get along well enough to live under the same roof, then they probably get along well enough to work out the marriage.  (Maybe the people who breeze through divorce are the ones who weren't passionate about each other in the first place.)

I know my feeling that people should try harder to work a marriage out when it seems like it's over flies in the face of the if you're not happy get out kind of advice we hear, but I suppose I feel if people wanted to be able to get up and leave whenever they feel like it, then why take vows in the first place?  Why play at marriage?

And this from a woman, me to be specific, who's very happy to not be married to the ex.  I doubt that I'll ever marry again either because I know exactly why I wanted out so badly.

I considered for a short while trying to stick out my marriage for convenience's sake. I got over that though. Living under the same roof with the ex for at least a year after we both knew the marriage could not be saved was a year lost, gone, kapush down the toilet and I can't get it back.

A new "friend" for the ex sounds like a blessing for you. I've felt that way before as well.

Best wishes on your finalization, and I hope you don't have to live with anyone ever if you don't want to. :-)

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 13:46
 

Living with the ex was B-A-D!

I had to live with my ex for about six months before he moved out and yeah - it was brutal - mainly cause he was always eavesdropping and trying to read my emails to find out what I was up to. 

I actually blog on a couple of divorce sites and I'm going to mention this artcile because numerous women have brought up their dilemna of wanting to go, but not having the money. Very timely and very relevant, and probably always was. :)

 Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Because a woman's body never lies...

Submitted by Delaine Moore on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 21:13
 

Thank you, Delaine for passing the post
along.

I went thorugh that too. My ex snooped email, hid behind doors, stole mail. It was the war of the roses.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 13:49
 

My ex-husband is my best

My ex-husband is my best friend. I've lived with him for over six years now, after the bubble busted in the tech industry.

We have no romantic interest in each other, and we both love to be single. We are roommates in every since of that word, with separate rooms, and mostly separate lives. But we're still the best of friends, and will continue to always be the best of friends. 

Someday we may move apart, but right now, not only is it economically feasible for us to share housing, there's probably no other person we'd be comfortable being roommates with. 

Our living arrangement confuses a lot of people. But then, we never did believe in living a life that made other people comfortable. 

 

 

 

Submitted by shelleyp on Mon, 03/09/2009 - 06:04
 

Not confusing for two rational adults to
handle this

If you get along and it was a mutual decision to split, the thrill is gone on both sides, etc, it's not that odd.  And I'm glad to know someone can do it. 

I think one reason most couples can't is because the switch flips from love to a resentment or hatred, and so there are still some strong emotions involved, just not the positive kind.  As one friend explained to me, if your ex is still arguing with you and picking at you on every little point, then more than likely there are still some hot feelings there, something the person won't let go.  But once two people let go, especially if they didn't destroy each other's trust in parting, you don't see the drama and emotional carnage.

Most people aren't rational when they split.  When they are rational and each has accepted the split as a good thing, even when they decide to live apart, you see better arrangements and continued friendship. You're unlikely to see squabbles over money, the children, who gets the house etc. and when you see these people together, they get along so well you wonder why they ever divorced. 

Loss of romantic interest without loss of respect and concern is a good thing. 

And then they're the former romantic couples who get along but could never live in the same house because their personal habits drive each other nuts. :-)  You lucked out, Shelley.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Submitted by Nordette on Mon, 03/09/2009 - 09:19
 

i'm the new gf and his ex is moving back
in...

My bf and his ex took a long time officially ending things.  She's has been moved out of his house for just over 6 months now...they stayed together trying to make things work for about 2 years and finally called it quits.  Anyway, she's been really struggling financially and now he is too so they decided that it would help if she moved back into his house.  I'm not thrilled but he assures me i have nothing to worry about.  The plan is to never both be sleeping at the house at the same time.  they have 2 children so on the days that he doesn't have the kids he will stay with me - that's nothing new.  On the days he has the kids she will stay with her bf.  The plans aren't totally worked out but i'm hoping this plan has an end - maybe they can agree it's only for 6 months or whatever - just so that he can give her money instead of paying a landlord.  I guess it's nice to hear that this isn't unheard of...i just hope i don't end up being the understanding gf that ends up getting left

Submitted by toots307 on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 11:23
 

lowest mortgage rate

Most mainstream economists believe that recessions are caused by inadequate aggregate demand
in the economy, and favor the use of expansionary macroeconomic policy
during recessions. Strategies favored for moving an economy out of a
recession vary depending on which economic school the policymakers
follow. Monetarists would favor the use of expansionary monetary policy, while Keynesian economists may advocate increased government spending to spark economic growth. Supply-side economists may suggest tax cuts to promote business capital investment. Laissez-faire minded economists may simply recommend that the government not interfere with natural market forces.

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Submitted by davgowhkcs on Thu, 08/13/2009 - 05:32
 

Together Still - After Divorce

My husband and I are getting divorced. We've been married 15 years. He says he doesn't love me the way he used to and that the passion is gone and so therefore, he's no longer in love with me. He wants the divorce because he says he wants his freedom, that he doesn't want rid of me, just rid of the ball and chain syndrome! Does not want to "be married" anymore, that's all. I do believe he's going through some sort of midlife crisis. My EX best friend did have a lot to do with it I'm afraid. She came back into my life last year June and was already making moves to divorce her husband of 20 years. He is an obsessive compulsive and was making her life as well as their kids, an absolute misery. I took her under my wing and into my home here on the farm on weekends and she spent a helluva lot of time with us - BIG MISTAKE!!!  My next big mistake was letting my husband be affectionate with her - its in his nature, he's like that with all women - and she started her plan, or so I believe! Him and I have always had a wonderful relationship and actually still do. I had to go to work in the UK for 4 months and that was when it all went pear shaped. She straight away divorced her husband making herself available for my husband and they started going out and spending time together. When I got home a month ago he then told me he wanted a divorce and that he had feelings for her. She is the same age as me but, unlike me, has a fantastic figure and always looks good. I am slightly overweight and for the past year or 2 was getting all "blingified" enjoying being spoilt by him ie. Bulgari sunglasses / namebrand handbags / nice cars - just being thoroughly spoilt. It went to my head I'm afraid - one of the reasons I left and went overseas to work and get back the old me - which I did do - as well as losing 23 kilos!! We have agreed that we can't afford for me and our son of 11 years to move into another place and carry on living in the way to which we have become accustomed. We live on a beautiful farm which my husband manages and dont have to pay rent, electricity, water, petrol etc which leaves enough money to live comfortably. He has said that he will NEVER bring her or any other woman for that matter to our home - he actually said that he doesn't want to get into any relationship at all, that my "friend" has enough issues of her own and he doesn't want to get involved in that and just wants to be friends with her. But now we're getting divorced but still staying together. We don't fight, scream at each other - none of that - in fact we still sleep together!!!!! I know!!! So why ... I hear everyone screaming - does he want a divorce?? Personally .... I think he's going through a midlife crisis and that's why he still doesn't want to lose me completely - cos he's confused!!! I am happy to do this too so does it make me crazy? I don't think so cos when I think of me and our son moving out and onwards on our own that just cracks me up terribly - I can't imagine doing that, I don't think I'm strong enough. My friends say then how will I ever meet another man? I don't want to meet another man...... if this is how they get at 48 then PLEASE . .... let me rather not start where the grass may not be all that greener after all!!! When I have to go overseas for a few months at a time then I also know our son won't be shimmied from pillar to post either - he will just stay on with Dad till I get back - then he will have both of us! I leave on Saturday for UK again for 5 weeks. We have already signed the divorce papers and it should go through in December sometime - he has made sure that I will be very well looked after should my son and I move out. What I don't know about is should we tell our son? I mean, if neither of us is having a relationship with anyone else then why tell the little guy - it will only upset him!! I must say, I am much happier with this new arrangement - mentally, that is ..... no stressing about being a single woman again, all on my own etc. To even start to think about starting another relationship is not on the cards right now. We have even just been away for a weekend together, the 3 of us, and had a lovely time. The only thing that upset me the whole weekend was seeing a msg on his cellphone from her telling him she was missing him! BUT ... if and when she finds out that we are going to stay together then maybe she'll disappear in the mist - what woman would want to stick around in a situation like that? She has a big thing about her "reputation" in our town etc and will not accept being "the other woman" even if we are divorced because not many people know we're going to anyway - so she'll be the one who gets shunned, not me!! Tough times hey??

Submitted by SuzyQu on Wed, 10/14/2009 - 02:17