red sam

here i stand
empty hands
wishing my wrists were bleeding
to stop the pain from the beatings
and there You stand
holding me
waiting for me to
notice You
but who are You
You are the truth
i'm screaming these lies
You are the truth
saving my life
the warmth of
Your embrace
melts my frostbitten spirit
You speak the truth and i hear it
the words are
i love you
my hands are open
and You are filling them
hands in the air

and i worship
-flyleaf

don't be scared. i'm not suicidal. there. got that out of the way.

i've been thinking about God a lot lately. where am i? where is He? i feel Him. i want Him. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm closer than ever. believe me? better try.

we attended a church of christ here in college station for almost 2 years. for many..some infurating..reasons...we left. abruptly and without explanation. i never regretted a second. i've struggled the entire time we've lived here. with faith, God, and life. i feel clearer now than i have in a long time. i feel stronger now. and truer.

it's not just the medicine...although..sadly..i think it's part of it. i say sadly because i wish i could be "normal" and "clear" without it. but whatever. it's working. kind of. ugh.

when i was in high school i would cut myself with my own fingernails. and occasionally a pen. i once carved a boys' name into my stomach. my doctor jumped when he saw it. and my mother got the worst look on her face i've ever seen. i cut "X"s onto the top of my hands once day. it's just part of it. i haven't done it in awhile. and i don't want to. i feel like i'm finding solid ground. i may still be groping in the dark...but i'm finding it. depression will not beat me. but it's an exhausting battle.

i was at the grocery today and someone from the church we used to attend in college station came up to me and interrogated me as to why we left and where my soul was headed. i smiled and gave vague answers. i wanted to tell her it was people like her that made me leave.

i want to be real. i want to know what i believe and why i believe it. i want to be consistent. and true. i want to give love and show peace. i don't want to attend a church because my grandparents do. or my parents do. or because it's all i know. towards the end of our attendance at that church all i saw were fake people and shallow answers. walking on eggshells for everyone and not really truly knowing anything.

maybe i'm too cynical. maybe i'm just too alive.

there were some wonderful people there. the people nathan and i most respect are there. i'm not criticizing the church of christ. i'm not criticizing the one here in college station. it's just what i saw after 2 years of attending regularly.

i see how God has directed my life. i could have never predicted it. i've been challenged more than i thought i could ever bear. but here i am. believing more than ever. walking in darkness but not feeling alone. i feel blessed by the few people close to me in my life. i've been affected by many evil actions, thoughts, and people. but here i am. alive.

the nightmares haven't stopped. 3 this week now. i hate waking up to the images. scared and shaking. but holding onto faith. which means they're not real. and only tests. and only there to torment. one was of me hurting myself. the worst. well...besides the demon ones. ok. they're all bad.

my relationship with my parents is not what i hoped it would be. my relationship with my children is not what i dreamed of it being. my relationship with my husband surpasses every fantasy i ever had. my relationship with friends is...well non-existent. what little relationship is there isn't what i thought it would be. my relationship with God is slowly becoming the only consistant one. slowly. i said slowly.

i may be cynical. i may be judgmental. i may be depressed. i may be introverted. but i'm alive. and i'm happy. did i just say happy?! yes. happy. content. moving forward. wow. can you even believe that?! maybe it's just tonight. but it's a start.

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