Reflections of 40 - The Realist Blog Post That I Will EVER Write

Reflections of 40Today I turned the Big 4-0! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Sexy Single Mommy is 40 years old.  I know...I know, it is hard to believe seeing that I look so young and all but as the saying goes, "Good Black don't crack" plus it's in the genes ( I get it from my Mama!)

Turning 40 is a big deal for a lot of people and it is a big deal for me.  For months now, my friends have been asking me what I was going to do for my birthday and I had all the grand plans of trips and parties, etc but the closer that I got to 40, my mind-set changed.  I became very indecisive, more so than I can ever remember being and my friends became frustrated that I kept constantly changing my plans.  One day it was a trip to Cancun, the next to Vegas, the next Palm Springs, then it was a day at the spa and so on and so forth.  I simply could not decide what I wanted to do.

The reason that I was so indecisive was because I wasn't really looking forward to turning 40.  You see, there are so many things that I "thought" that I would have accomplished by 40 such as, being established in a career that I loved, going back and finishing my last year of college, owning a home and maybe even being married.  As I look back, life got in the way and I got in the way of myself.  I made some bad decisions, did some things that I regret, said things that I couldn't take back and hurt some people.

I had a baby at 16 that I gave up for adoption, dropped out of college to work full-time, and never went back because the money started getting "really good" (despite not having a degree), been in love once, had one son but aborted others, hurt some really good men with my words or actions because I was too busy trying to be a "pimp" and "come up" off of a guy or because I thought that the grass was greener or the other side and to just say it...I was a cheater.

I have often been told that I have the mentality of a man, especially when it related to relationships.  I have this thing about "committing " to someone and thus I don't.  I had a conversation with my best friend just today and I told her that I have never met someone who I wanted to be with all the time.  Well, maybe one, but I messed that up...

Nowadays, I enjoy my space. I have been dating someone for almost a year and I enjoy seeing him every other weekend.  I have never wanted to be up under someone all the time.  After so long..a day or two...I need you to go home or I go home.  That's enough time.  Let me miss you.  SMH at myself but if I am going to keep it 100 at all times, I can't start sugar-coating things now, right?

As I look back at my 40 years, I have to wonder if I had not said this or if only I could take back that or if I had not done this...how different my life would be today but don't we all go through those regrets?  I guess those "regrets" can probably be called life lessons and by going through those things, it shapes us into the people that we are today. With that being said, I ask myself, "Who is Ty?"

I am an independent, proud woman who has a hard time asking for help because I don't want anyone thinking that I can't handle things by myself.  I am outspoken and will "read" someone QUICK but I am learning to tame my tongue and not be so quick to say what is on my mind.  I have a tough outer shell but I am soft on the inside (this has just occurred over the last few years.)  I am a leader.  I am a diva in every sense of the word!  I can be self-centered but I am working on that. I am strong-willed but I am learning to compromise.  I am a lover of music, books, tall men and chocolate.  I am still a work in progress.

On this day (actually I writing this an hour and half before I turn 40), I am listening to oldies and thinking about the soundtrack of my life and The Commodores, "Zoom" is the song that speaks to me about my next 40+ years...

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.