Reflections of 40 - The Realist Blog Post That I Will EVER Write
Today I turned the Big 4-0! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Sexy Single Mommy is 40 years old. I know...I know, it is hard to believe seeing that I look so young and all but as the saying goes, "Good Black don't crack" plus it's in the genes ( I get it from my Mama!)
Turning 40 is a big deal for a lot of people and it is a big deal for me. For months now, my friends have been asking me what I was going to do for my birthday and I had all the grand plans of trips and parties, etc but the closer that I got to 40, my mind-set changed. I became very indecisive, more so than I can ever remember being and my friends became frustrated that I kept constantly changing my plans. One day it was a trip to Cancun, the next to Vegas, the next Palm Springs, then it was a day at the spa and so on and so forth. I simply could not decide what I wanted to do.
The reason that I was so indecisive was because I wasn't really looking forward to turning 40. You see, there are so many things that I "thought" that I would have accomplished by 40 such as, being established in a career that I loved, going back and finishing my last year of college, owning a home and maybe even being married. As I look back, life got in the way and I got in the way of myself. I made some bad decisions, did some things that I regret, said things that I couldn't take back and hurt some people.
I had a baby at 16 that I gave up for adoption, dropped out of college to work full-time, and never went back because the money started getting "really good" (despite not having a degree), been in love once, had one son but aborted others, hurt some really good men with my words or actions because I was too busy trying to be a "pimp" and "come up" off of a guy or because I thought that the grass was greener or the other side and to just say it...I was a cheater.
I have often been told that I have the mentality of a man, especially when it related to relationships. I have this thing about "committing " to someone and thus I don't. I had a conversation with my best friend just today and I told her that I have never met someone who I wanted to be with all the time. Well, maybe one, but I messed that up...
Nowadays, I enjoy my space. I have been dating someone for almost a year and I enjoy seeing him every other weekend. I have never wanted to be up under someone all the time. After so long..a day or two...I need you to go home or I go home. That's enough time. Let me miss you. SMH at myself but if I am going to keep it 100 at all times, I can't start sugar-coating things now, right?
As I look back at my 40 years, I have to wonder if I had not said this or if only I could take back that or if I had not done this...how different my life would be today but don't we all go through those regrets? I guess those "regrets" can probably be called life lessons and by going through those things, it shapes us into the people that we are today. With that being said, I ask myself, "Who is Ty?"
I am an independent, proud woman who has a hard time asking for help because I don't want anyone thinking that I can't handle things by myself. I am outspoken and will "read" someone QUICK but I am learning to tame my tongue and not be so quick to say what is on my mind. I have a tough outer shell but I am soft on the inside (this has just occurred over the last few years.) I am a leader. I am a diva in every sense of the word! I can be self-centered but I am working on that. I am strong-willed but I am learning to compromise. I am a lover of music, books, tall men and chocolate. I am still a work in progress.
On this day (actually I writing this an hour and half before I turn 40), I am listening to oldies and thinking about the soundtrack of my life and The Commodores, "Zoom" is the song that speaks to me about my next 40+ years...