Eleven months ago, A and I started talking about living together, and this week we moved into our own little house. It’ s been four days, and let me tell you, as much as I thought I knew pretty much all of the picture about A…you, know, I didn’t.

Till you live with someone 24/7, till you work with them packing and unpacking boxes of things that range from essential items to meaningless junk, till you negotiate with them about how to unpack and arrange the kitchen, you don’t know them at all—even if you remember the name of their childhood pet and the first person they slept with.
Here are some of the surprises I learned about A:

• When it comes to food, he’s a hoarder. Is there any other way to define someone who has 45 boxes of Rice a Roni, 30 packets of Top Ramen, and 20 boxes of Macaroni n’ Cheese? If the Apocalypse came, I not only know we’d be fed, I have a pretty clear sense of what we’d be eating.
• When it comes to personal history, he’s the archivist extraordinaire. Not only does A have the usual assortment of family photos, college papers, and 80s-feminist/protest memorabilia; he’s got a fat file of college-era letters from his dad, offering instruction in the art of life as only a Midwestern trial lawyer can.
• A is handy. For a man whose idea of packing is throwing the whole drawer into a box, repeating till the box is too heavy too lift, and doing it over and over till the entire mess has been encased and taped into cardboard, A is surprisingly mechanical. Or, to be more specific, A has a talent with tools that means putting together bookcases, building shelves, and tinkering with the gate are pretty much a snap. Oh, and he haz tools (who knew?)

Here’s what A has learned about me:

• When it comes to the house, I’m kinda bossy (that doesn’t surprise you, right?) For all my mellowness when it comes to selecting bookcase finish & color, agreeing about lighting, and so on, I have definite ideas about what goes where. And when we need to put it away (like, right now, dammit!) And, most importantly, no one is allowed to break my stuff except me, so there.
• Living with me does not encourage sleeping. Sometimes to my regret, I am a morning person. It is now 7 am as I write this, and I have been up for almost an hour, even though my plan was to sleep later. A is asleep, but it won’t last as long as he’d hope it would, cause in a few minutes I am going to go in there and wake him (evil grin.)
• My dog is spoiled. Winston may be a bully breed, I may tell everyone how command trained and obedient he is, but the truth is this dog has me wrapped around his (figurative) finger. You want to get along with me, be nice to my lumbering ol’puppy.

And here’s what we’re learning together:

• This is our house. We share it, That means we share not only the costs, but the decisions, the quality of life experiences, the challenges. What we put into this is what we will get back out.
• We’re in a relationship where neither of us is looking for someone better. And neither of us is looking for other people to shore up what we lack (when you’re non-monogamous, you can do that—but it’s not a good idea). Whether this lasts for XX months or years, we’re behaving like we’re life partners. Because we are. (And that gives me a shiver when I write it.)
• We both have baggage. (You didn't think I wouldn’t get to that, did you?) And we have bad habits. And we are not perfect. And we screw up and make mistakes. And we repeat ourselves and annoy one another, sometimes—but it’s worth it.
• Life is something you craft.
• You only get one and the quality is your own responsibility.
• The people you choose to spend time with color your mood, and reflect who you are and what you learn.
• As I get older, time starts to feel more precious, something to savor and maximize, not just spend. This is all about making a choice.

This life with A, this house with A, in some ways it is something completely new, and in other ways it is a re-start, but it gives us each a chance to collaborate in building a world that reflects what we value, and to celebrate our joining together.

Is that scary as hell? If I think about it…yes. But if I just live it, it feels natural.

(Related) Sex and Relationship posts around the blogosphere worth a read:

Half Life Crisis:
“So Bob, a man I dated casually at one time, just announced via social networking site that he has a new girlfriend. In a short burst of public enthusiasm he said he was ‘pinching himself’ because he’s found the woman of his dreams and she felt the same about him. My reaction was intense, and mixed…”

The Spectre of Bohemia: Moving Forward

“I've been feeling like I don't want to emotionally invest anytime with anyone anymore because all you get is a big puddle of hurt. It's not worth it to make yourself so emotionally available but in the end it is rewarding. I can't believe how many amazing conversations I've had with people because of being open to different dialogs. It seems certain we don't live in a culture where talking about all subjects is acceptable and it is certainly why I wrote my zine. It is probably embarrassing and I suppose there aren't many people open to embarrass themselves in that way. When you put yourself out there, like writing a blog, you are making yourself open to negative responses.”

The Polyamorous Misanthrope: Comparing? Maybe it doesn’t help

“That was the best sex/meal/evening I ever had!
Ever said anything like that? Ever said anything like that to a lover what wasn’t included in on said activity? What kind of reaction did you get? Maybe none. Maybe one that wasn’t so nice. For any human being that ever has the slightest bit of insecurity (and to be honest, I’m hard put to think of someone who has none at all), sometimes there is a little “Am I really good enough?” going on in the back of their minds.”

Adorkable Grrl: And, this day just needs to end

“Ugh. Day after birthday has been emotional rollercoaster, not even my own. I’m just exhausted. I am now going to curl up with a glass of wine and watch Alias until I fall asleep. Big needle goes into the spine tomorrow morning, then I have coffee w/my friend Susan - and, maybe dinner with Allison.”