Relapse


In the last couple of weeks I have kind of been re-living some of my pre-child days. I have spent my free evenings (when Milo's dad has him overnight) in bars, drinking, cavorting, meeting new people and getting at times more then a little worse for wear. It's been fun. I have had some quite frankly hilarious moments but I must admit and I am a little shocked to say it but it really isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I have had some times since finding out I was pregnant and then becoming a mother in which I have missed my old life. I think most parents can relate to that if their being honest and I have of course many a time wondered what I would be up to if I wasn't a mum but in reality I would probably be a bit of a useless, unproductive, hungover mess kind of like I have been in these last weeks. Really.

In my early days in Berlin I wasn't working, I hadn't yet managed to get on to a German course and I didn't really know anyone so as is the way in a city like this, I would head out to Expat evenings and partake of a drink or two and waited to see where that lead. I did that alot and until I was faced with the reality of how hard it is to get work here and I realised that I had no money to eat, let alone go out drinking. It was really a very shallow lifestyle as fun as it was at the time. I would make these weird 'friendships' which just centered around partying and going out all the time and people would come and go as is always the way in big Expat Cities. You'd get to know someone intensively for a short period of time and then they'd go back home or on to their next travel destination and then you'd be starting again, meeting new people, only to once again re-live it a few months later.

So, here I am now. I have discovered this little community of Expats between two bars and I fell, in a fact I jumped in head first into it. The ease of being around people like I used to hang out with. Of going in to a bar where I know most of the faces and everyone says ''hi'' with a cheeky wink. That feels good. You kind of feel like you belong. And then I think about it all and how, however fun it is, it's not really real. It's not actually a lifestyle I want to get back in to. It's not that I don't want to go there at all. I really do. But I've moved on a little from this. No offense to anyone doing it, it's just not the 'me' I want back again. It's weird for me to feel this way. I used to love partying hard but now I just think, well I want to be efficent. I want to work. I want to have my head together enough on my days so that I can achieve all that I want to achieve. The two lives don't go hand in hand.

Maybe that brief relapse has made me just realise how much I am not missing out on much.


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