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When it comes to relationships, what I learned from my mother was largely unspoken. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have two sisters (one is two years older than me, the other three years younger), and I asked them not long ago if they remembered receiving any advice about men and relationships. The response was unanimous – our mother just isn't one to give unsolicited advice.
If the alternative was the opposite – someone who was constantly meddling – I wouldn’t want that, either. I’ve never had to worry about being questioned about my choice to remain “perpetually single” for years on end. Mom has never once asked me (when I’m single) why I don’t have a boyfriend, or when I’m planning to get married, or what my timeline is for having a child. I’ve never had to deal with that kind of pressure or expectation, and I appreciate that.
What could explain this lack of advice giving? As a bit of background, my sisters and I grew up in a very conservative home. Our parents took us to a Baptist church pretty much every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night between the time I was a few years old until I was about fifteen. We were only allowed to listen to Christian music, and any videos that came into our home were scrutinized. We were never left to our own devices to choose and watch a movie. My dad would post himself near the VCR so he could fast-forward through anything that he deemed a bad influence. In that kind of situation, you might imagine how embarrassed we’d be if we were unfortunate enough to witness a [begin whispering] sex scene [end whispering].
My opinion on that? There is such a thing as being too protected from the outside world. I can understand banning horror films or maybe certain rated-R movies. But growing up in an environment where my parents would stiffen and produce audible sighs when someone on-screen uttered a curse word, or – heaven forbid – took their clothes off? When I watched Dirty Dancing (in secret) at a friend’s house, I felt like a criminal.
If the topic of relationships and sexuality is never brought up, if anything having to do with sex is considered “bad,” it creates an environment of shame. I don’t mind that my upbringing turned me into someone who dresses modestly, and who doesn’t like to draw attention to herself. But it really did take me a long time to come out of my shell.
It’s only been in the past year that I felt comfortable standing in front of a man without covering myself up. The first few times we got in the shower together I wouldn’t do it unless the lights were off. (And yes, I almost left the previous two sentences out of this post, simply because I know my mom will read this. I still find the prospect of discussing anything having to do with sex with her as completely unthinkable.)
So yes, in certain ways I wish there had been more discussion of sex when I was growing up – or at least a more open attitude about it. I wish I hadn’t grown up thinking that sex, and the discussion thereof, was something shameful that was to be avoided. I learned about the birds and the bees when mom gave me a book to read. (At the time, this method was fine by me because I was very shy and easily embarrassed. Having a conversation about sex with my mother, who would have been equally embarrassed to be having such a discussion, would have been unimaginably awkward.)
The lack of advice doesn’t mean that I didn’t know what kind of relationship my mother wanted me to have. We were Baptists. I knew she wanted me to find a nice, Christian man and not have sex until we got married. In fact, during my early teen years my parents talked about not allowing me and my sisters to go on “real” dates – instead, they thought we should be courted by having men come to visit us at our house. As you can imagine, even though none of us had even had a boyfriend up to that point, we were horrified at the prospect of courting. (Which, thankfully, never had
