Dating and Relationships: 3 Stages of Attachment

When you are attracted to someone and spend time together, there are 3 Stages of Attachment (SOA): 1. Just Dating. 2. In a Relationship; and 3. Having a Partnership.

Understanding your stage of attachment to another is critical. Does your stage match his/ hers? Mismatches of attachment usually create difficulties in most areas. Those areas could be communication, compromise, making plans, frequency of contact, affection, sex, loyalty, and, of course, the ”C-word”--- commitment.

Moving to the next stage might be indicated when your current attachment works. But you and he/she must be clear about a change in your attachment. Do not think or assume. Talk about it. Maybe he/she is just not in to you.

Let me focus on just dating in this blog. What kind of attachment is dating? When is a date successful? As part of my SOA model, here's a way to understand the process.

Success in Just Dating requires A SELF: 1. Action. 2. Safety;
3. Engagement; 4. Learning: and 5. Fun.

1. ACTION: Put yourself out there and take the reasonable risks, which come with meeting someone new. (You don't normally meet someone waiting in your kitchen, unless it's the proverbial worker with an exposed crack.) Nothing happens if you do not act.

2. SAFETY: Practice routine measures to keep your self physically safe, guard your privacy, and preserve your financial security. (Trust your gut. If you compromise yourself in any way to be with this date, you are not successful!)

3. ENGAGEMENT: Be yourself. Do not try to guess what he/she is looking for in a person. Do not fake it. If no genuine match, move on to the next date. (If you want to be an actor, audition for the big-screen. Or go on YouTube. It's easier.)

4. LEARNING: Learn about yourself, how you are perceived, what you like and dislike or maybe a particular topic-- sports, music, politics, architecture, or anything. (Perhaps you learn you are allergic to poached ostrich. You are rushed to the hospital with hives.)

5. FUN: Enjoy yourself. (You do remember what that is?)

At a minimum, to have an average (C+) dating experience, you need to take action and remain safe while learning something or having fun. You may or may not date this person again.

When you meet all 5 of the dating criteria on any date, give yourself an A+ for that encounter--- even if you never meet again. The encounter, as a date, was a success; but not necessarily a springboard for a deeper attachment, such as relationship or partnership.

After a series of dating encounters where both individuals perceive sufficient success based on the A SELF model, if there is agreement, the couple may advance to the relationship stage of attachment.

So while you need A SELF for satisfying dating, at the relationship stage, people also need A SOFA for success. If the stage of attachment increases into partnership, A PROBE is needed. These acronyms also provide important understanding into stages of attachment.

Is anyone interested in learning about A SOFA and A PROBE?

Visit www.DrCoachLove.com for more relationship coaching tips.

(Copyright 2008. P.H.Pickett. All rights reserved. Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.)