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Some of my favorite classes in college were my cultural anthropology studies courses. I found the idea of researching people and cultures fascinating. These anthropologists would wander out into the jungles or urban centers of interest and study groups by being amongst them, yet always trying to remain separate. They could never become too assimilated for fear it would distort their objectivity and cause bias.
I've only recently realized that this cultural anthropology idea is a pretty fair analogy for my own life recently. I feel a bit like Charlotte from Sex and the City when she proudly announces to everyone that she's getting married this year (even though she has no candidates in mind, much less popping the question to her). I had a similar idea recently - wanting to be in a healthy and fun relationship led me to wonder - maybe the answer is not to go to singles events, but to hang out amongst the coupled up to see why it is I remain singled out. I thought that perhaps if I can approach these relationship bound women as an objective bystander, an anthropologist of sorts, I could understand what it is that happens inside this Shangri-La of life options.
The biggest opportunity for my studies has come in the form of my new fabulous condo at the base of the Hollywood Hills. Los Angeles is an unlikely setting for mating - it being filled to the brim with many work-a-holics, narcissists, and addicts of every kind; truly every sleazy species of man you could imagine exists here. And yet . . . despite this reality there is another lesser observed reality in Los Angeles; this city is crawling with really great men too. I know because I believe all my girlfriends are currently dating one of them. So I began my study at home; with my roommate and her boyfriend. The thing I notice the most about my home based case study (and my other friends in general) is how much they laugh. I hear my friend laughing all the time from all over the house when her "other" is around; it's intoxicating. I love hearing laughter all over my home, even if it's not my own. I like being nested in a setting of so much happiness and fun.
Could it be that this is what relationships are really about? Fun? Who knew! It's been so many years since I had fun and laughed and enjoyed myself in a relationship I'd almost forgotten that they aren't about feeling lonely, or invisible, or anxiety ridden. They're about fun and play and laughter. They're about being yourself, and letting go of the men you meet who aren't a match to who you really are (no matter how addicted you are to their pheromones). When you're able to do this, you're able to finally embrace what coupling is all about - a person that brings out the best in you, which in turn leads you to bring out the best in them (which comes first? It’s the chicken and the egg). I've observed this through my casual research of my friends and through the development of a budding romance of my own with a man who I feel more myself with than I've ever experienced before in my dating and relationship life.
I suppose Shakespeare had it right all along, "To thine own self be true," and when you find the right fit with a partner, they only amplify this feeling of embracing "you" that much more.
By Jill Brown Founder of Duchess, LLC, and the website www.theduchessequation.com and blog www.theduchessguide.com, co-host of the blog
