- Share This Post
- submit
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to go with the flow of life, good and bad? And other folks just seem to take (or make) everything harder, having a difficult time dealing with the challenges life throws their way? It’s quite an interesting conundrum, to consider why people fall into one category or the other.
Resiliency is a term I’ve heard used to describe this phenomenon. It refers to a person’s ability to roll with life’s punches, to surrender and accept what is and work with it rather than getting stuck on how they wish things were, or more importantly, denying reality altogether. Those last approaches don’t seem to change anything and they divert valuable energy to resistance rather than moving through and past the issue.
I’ve pondered this quite a bit and have concluded that ‘surrender and acceptance’ is key to cultivating a resilient habit of mind.
I have a friend from long ago who makes Job’s trials and tribulations look like an all-inclusive resort stay at a 5 star hotel in Cancun. I mean, between an abusive husband, precarious finances, towering debt and no job, bitter divorce, and much more, she would certainly have had every reason in the world to lapse into a depressive coma and stay there for the rest of her life.
But amazingly, she has a remarkable outlook on life. Maybe it’s just a case of when so many things are so bad, you begin to get grateful for the smallest of things because you know how very bad it COULD be. I don’t know, but I do know that now things have evened out a bit for her it’s pretty hard these days to faze her with anything.
And, I’ve noticed that she is pretty frictionless when it comes to accepting the ‘what is’ of life. After the initial realization of an ugly situation, she simply refuses to spend emotional energy on fighting the reality of it. She just says, ‘OK this sucks BIG TIME, but it is what it is…now what am I going to do with it?’
I think as we get older resiliency is an incredibly important quality to have. I’ve noticed that older people who don’t have it seem to get brittle, and bitter. It seems to me that all the things we do not accept and resolve—the things we don’t say, the resentments that build up, the unhealthy relationships we don’t address, the boundaries we don’t set– gradually build over the years until they simply collapse on themselves, often spectacularly, in a painful way that seems to drag out forever. I’ve observed this a number of times, and it’s a terrible thing to watch.
The good news is I believe resiliency is a habit of mind that can be developed over time. The bad news is, like working out physically, you can’t suddenly get down and do 100 push ups one day if you’ve been a couch potato for years. It takes exercising that resiliency muscle.
Some books that have helped me tremendously in this department are, first, the old stand by, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. This was popular back in the 80s but many of his points have stuck with me all these years. Another is Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. Be forewarned: this one challenges a lot of mainstream religious (but not spiritual) beliefs and in fact, pegs some of them as the source for a lot of our pain. But, it has been the single most influential set of ideas for me in developing my resiliency habit. It incorporates a lot of what we know about quantum physics and ties it in with spirituality. Another that I’ve heard wonderful things about is Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
This is a very big topic but this is enough for one day.
I’m not sure who said this, but it seems to tie the resiliency concept up in a nice box and bow: ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’.
