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Sparkle (1)
I had a conversation last week with an old lover -- you know how those conversations go. They start out innocently enough, catching up with some small talk. You discuss work, which leads you to talk about life, which invariably becomes an open dialog about the failure of your relationship.
"We will work out as a relationship the day you realize that romance is about inconveniencing yourself," I said to him.
Photo by Bill Israel.
I've said this before, but it never hit me as clearly as it did at that moment. I thought about all of the things I've done in the name of romance. Love surely is the most inconvenient thing in the world. It blazes through plans, it reschedules meetings indiscriminately, and it turns priorities on their heads.
I'm weary of compromising the big things, the things that make you who you are. But at the same time -- have you ever boarded a flight just to sit next to someone for five hours? Nevermind that you have no idea what you're going to do once you reach the destination, but who cares? Just to spend those five hours beside someone, and take however many kisses you can steal between lift-off and landing -- that's all that matters. That's enough.
That's romance. Yes, I imagine we could schedule our interactions for conferences where our schedules overlap -- love is patient, love is kind, love waits its turn, right?
Whatever. I don't want a measured love, where we mind each other's schedules. I don't want to meet you somewhere convenient for me. I want to go out of my way, and I expect the same from you. I want to fight the burden of reality for this incredible thing that we're experiencing, this blossoming thing that sweeps across our field of vision and patinates every aspect of our existence so everything is brighter and more textured.
I don't want to mind the constraints of space and build a relationship however it may fit into my life. I want to take a wrecking ball to my existing world and rebuild an existence where our relationship has a proper, sprawling space. I want a Taj Majal in the middle of an otherwise crowded urban landscape.
That's romance.
OFFERINGS
Once upon a time, a dear friend of mine thought he might hook me up with a friend of his. He thought we'd get on famously. He was recently divorced, I was recently divorced; he's a writer, and I'm a writer. It seemed like a no-brainer. So the friend -- let's call him Hank -- and I started to text.
I am not one to expect offerings of any sort during courtship. They can be wonderful when they occur, but they're a risky proposition when you don't know someone well enough. But Hank wanted to give me a gift. He asked me what my favorite flower was. I told him it wasn't necessary, but when he insisted, I told him I loved orchids.
He then made a critical error -- he asked me if I could find out where he could get these for cheap in Los Angeles, because all the places he had researched online were really overpriced.
I'm not saying I think he should have shelled out for flowers if he didn't have the means. Romance may be about inconvenience, but it's not about bankruptcy. Of course, romance isn't finding deals for your suitor, either. More interesting than a trunk wrapped in exotic orchids that sets you back a few thousand is a heart-felt letter. Or some origami flowers.
My father used to sneak into my mother's office, always careful that she never saw him, just to leave candies on her desk. I like this because of how simple it is -- nothing extravagant, just candies. But he took time out of his day to creep around her office building and leave the little candies just so she could find them at some point and know he'd come by.
Simple, I know. But it ties into the inconvenient aspect of romance. He could have used those two hours to have lunch, but instead, he spent those hours making these little deliveries.
When people say "it's the thought that counts," that's what I think about: how much thought someone puts into something. It's not an excuse or justification. It's a vital component of what the gift should be, a reminder that someone is thinking about you and hitting pause on their busy day just to
