- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 0
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
"Robert DeNiro Wants You Dead"
Were the exact words fired at me in the patio restaurant of the Arclight Theatre in Hollywood. I was alone and waiting for friends because I was chompin’ at the Western bit to see Rango which has to be the funniest movie I’ve seen in a rodeo rompin’ long time, partner. But this was before the movie. When I heard that Robert de Niro wanted me dead, I turned 180 degrees like Linda Blair to hear who said it. There were only three diners at one other table – I love a movie theatre which has a restaurant – and apparently the words had not been spoken to me but the al fresco winds had simply done the courtesy of sending them my way.
While I tried to figure out why Robert DeNiro would want anyone dead and laughed at the absurdity of the question, I realized that by now, he might have a whole host of people and those people might feel the same way about him at certain moments in the long hard road of a tough professional life where every "and" and "but" of a screenplay is as dire as brain surgery, where Bruce Willis has his hair retouched frame by frame so it looks as though he has some, and where Demi Moore once had a hissy fit because her trailer was two inches shorter than her co-star's.
So I decided to listen to my voice mail on the cell phone only to find that the legal affairs department of MTV wanted me dead (metaphorically speaking) for mentioning their upcoming reality show Chelsea Settles as being “staged,” “acted,” and “not real.” All reality shows are "enhanced" and they will never be as good as scripted comedy or drama (and I'm not talking about PBS, Discovery, or quality visits to our National Parks on National Geographic Explorer.). Reality Shows are television on the cheap and the networks can hire non-union writers, non actors, non-union directors or non director directors, and the bottom line is that reality shows are not something I am keen on which is why I watch Turner Classic Movies at night and PBS and Discovery and quality visits to our National Parks on National Geographic Explorer.
Because people without scripts can be deadly boring, reality shows have to up the ante by staging fights, creating moments of non-reality, so people won’t go to sleep while watching. Why does The Bachelor go to gorgeous places on the planet? To keep you awake! I lived across the street from a house where Death Row record producer Shug Knight had built a giant play pen for he and his entourage and when he was sent up the river, the IRS seized it and long story short, it is now used for a reality show and the poor folks in the show are bored out of their minds up there! So they fool around a lot. Oh joy!
While in film school, we had to run around and transcribe actual dialog while people were dining at restaurants or ordering at Starbucks. B-o-r-i-n-g! Have you actually listened to the Kazanjian sisters? As cute or popular as they may be, they will put you right to sleep! So, shows like Top Model employ writers to get the girls to fight and give it D-r-a-m-a. Sure, the girls are great to look at as are the clothes and locations but they still have to spice things up and sharp cookie Tyra knows this. Why do you think she's going to business school?
So, why does MTV want to keep this such a secret? I would love to ask them but the bottom line is that I own stock in the company and am secretly hoping everyone watches CHELSEA SETTLES because MTV with no music scares me. And what little I have seen so far on MTV usually involves a sad breakup. So let’s hope all good things are ahead here for Chelsea and that lots of people watch and that someone gives her a job which is the point of the show.
And go see Rango! It’s so clever and creative! Go Paramount – oh my God! It’s the same company as MTV. See Sumner Redstone? I’m only trying to help here! It’s also the same company that fired Charlie Sheen. CBS. Ye gods – I’ll save that kind of incest to write about for next time! I can only solve the planet’s problems one step at a
