Robin Williams Inspired Me
It has been a long time since I blogged about depression. Once a very commonplace and comfortable feeling to write and share, now it seems so taboo. I fear all sorts of consequences. What if all my family and friends find out? What if my job knows my secrets? What if my kids inherit my bad traits? I feel my mind are controlled by thoughts that lead me to dark places. Somedays, I sit with endless "what ifs" and daydream about things I can't change. I worry and get by with daily tasks, and not call it anything but my true personality. I am me, and I don't want to call attention to myself.
It was odd to hear my favorite actor die from suicide and depression. They blame it on addiction, too. Somehow it hit closer to home, because depression is like my middle name. I can't identify myself as anyone but a "melancholy mom." Unlike Robin Williams, I was never easy to joke with. I always kept a straight face, and even my closest ally, my husband, is shocked when I let out a mere chuckle. Imagine what sort of alternate life I could be, if I only was eased into smiling more? Even if I appeared to have a good life, I still felt empty inside, always.
This is my life living with depression. It is not severe. It is dysthymic, for the proper psychological diagnosis. It is not as bad as it sounds. I may be a little quirky and offbeat, but my moods are carrying me through some steady adventures in my life. I want to share it with the world. I want to find my connections. I can't always unhook my obsessive negative thoughts, but I find it a blessing that progress is being made.