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I have so many thoughts and feelings about the abortion issue. I have been on all sides of the issue. I did have an abortion in 1988, one year before I conceived my oldest son. The decision was made by an uninformed, naive young adult and this over-informed, cynical middle-aged adult has wrestled and struggled and have finally come to terms with April 18, 1988 and I have plenty to say about it.
To say that I suffered psychologically is perhaps an understatement. I was tormented by my decision. When I became pregnant with my now 19 year old son, suddenly I was faced with the ramifications of the decision. Maybe if I hadn't wanted children (eventually), I would not have felt the hypocrisy of it all come crashing down on me. Depression and anxiety became my constant companions and they still linger, just outside my hard shell. It only takes a slight crack in that shell for them to creep back in...
I sought Jesus and prayed for God's forgiveness. I confessed and felt forgiven. I accepted Jesus because everyone knows when you need a crutch, something to help you feel better about your past, Christianity is the way to go. I found that wasn't enough and pledged to prevent other uninformed, naive women from also making the mistake. I found some peace by helping in a crisis pregnancy center, but that was short-lived, as the reality of being the only woman there who ever "did the deed" haunted me. My secret, which had been stashed deep in the dark recesses of my consciousness, arose to cause more problems.
Sometime during my stay at the crisis pregnancy center, I had a revelation. I could not and would not be responsible in any way for helping a stranger make possibly, the biggest decision of her life. If she chose to keep her child or give it up for adoption, that was her decision. If she ultimately chose abortion, her decision. I felt terrible for thinking I had to assert some sort of guilt-ridden decision-making power of these women, many of whom were ill-prepared to raise a child. I decided to quit my volunteer work and did some research. I discovered that not every women suffers after an abortion. Who did I think I was, anyway?? I was no better than the protesters who stood outside the abortion clinic on April 18, 1988. The zealots who blocked the entrance to the clinic didn't deter me, but did make me angry. The worst part about working in the crisis pregnancy center was that I was not allowed to talk about the unplanned pregnancy is real words and discuss real consequences. We did offer some help to those who chose to carry their pregnancies to term, but nothing major or permanent. I also discovered that the volunteers made a lot of judgments about those who needed more diapers than the allotted 10 or 15 a month that we gave out for free.
Abortion is still legal in this country and God willing, it will remain so. What this country needs is more resources to help those women who are facing this decision. Women need education, birth control, and medical and emotional care. What we don't need are those people who feel it is their duty to tell us what we should and shouldn't do.
Yelling and fighting
the war for a choice
They say they defend
the ones with no voice
A fine line to walk
this battle we wage
a family's own crisis
is thrust on a stage
You, as a woman
will solely decide
what choice means to you
and now choose a side
The voices around you
and in your own heart
will whisper and ask
when does a life start?
Through protests and prayers
a choice will be made
and forever we'll ask
what price have we paid?
