I never imagined myself with children. I was never one of those girls to which the younger children flocked. Yet, I never escape being pegged as a mother. Yes, I have children, but we all know of women who've borne children and have not a mothering bone in their bodies. And we know women who've never had biological children but nurture neighborhoods and perhaps nations. When I say I'm pegged as a mother, I mean I seem to be that person to whom other people come for answers to their problems, the one to whom they'll tell their troubles, or the person in front of whom they decide to break down.

We all know it's safe to break down in front of those people who are natural mothers. They'll give you whatever you need at that moment--a hug, a kiss, advice, or a smack on the head. I've given all those things.

I think I'm writing these words today because last night as I began contemplating what I would write at BlogHer as my first post in the Life category as opposed to Mommy and Family, I took a look at others' blog posts and I was torn. Am I supposed to separate writing about life from writing about being a mother?

I visited Candle at Both Ends, which I found on the Life blogroll here at BlogHer. She was talking poop and circumstance, mothering of course. Then I surfed over to Stay at Aum Mom, also in the life category. She spoke of her children as well. In fact, I ran through many crossovers between the two sections, Life and Mommy and Family, while poking around, and the thought came to me, no use in running from this mother thing: mother is at the heart of life.

Sure, I could spend some time here and discuss pop culture versus psychological, anthropological and socioeconomic reasons for why I may at times feel a need to run from my motherhood associations at times. For all America's talk of mom and apple pie, it's clear being a mother is not as much a place of honor in this country as it should be.

• Mothers get paid less and are discriminated against in the workforce.
• Jobs associated with mothering, such as childcare, pay low wages.
• Mothers and women in general are frequently abused.

And when was the last time you saw television align motherhood with sexy? Consider that sexiness is the primary product sold on television. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Sometimes, even the fight for equality for women can be perceived as non-mom-friendly. I hope nobody chokes on that one. I'm not saying that being a feminist is being unmotherly or that focusing on mothering makes a woman less. I'm saying that I recall that some messages I received as a child coming of age in the late sixties and early seventies suggested that choosing to make a home and raise children was a low aspiration for a "modern" woman.

I may have received this message even had I not been exposed to main stream media's interpretation of the feminist message. As an African-American female raised in a family of professionals, getting a degree and carving a career for oneself was the gold standard. Staying at home to raise a family, no matter how much we all loved our grandmother, did not seem to be a praiseworthy choice.

And yet, unlike the men, if we women did land in a career, it was also understood that we would be expected to do both, to keep a house and keep track of children while working full-time jobs.It was understood that this was woman's work, keeping families and homes, while men, supposedly the stronger gender, could simply go to work, come home, be served, get sex, and sleep. I rebelled against this injustice in ways I won't recount now.

My thoughts here may sound like ancient history to some younger readers. They may not have ever faced the duality of what's expected of women and what's expected of men, and certainly being a stay-at-home mom is a perfectly acceptable and laudable choice. Yet, for me, it's been a dilemma at times, the real world. I'm African-American, female, and have never been thin. Dueling messages about self-image have been a big chunk of my life.

Eventually all this evaluation of one's world must stop, however, and we have to be happy in our own skins with myriad facets of self successfully integrated. There's a simple answer: We are never just one thing. A woman can be a loving mother and a tenacious career person. A woman can work on fulfilling her needs and not be branded selfish. She can live life for herself and also for others. And if she has children whom she loves, then she will mother until she dies. If she's smart, she'll be content and understand this honor and how it centers her life.

And here's a small share:

Carrying the Fragile

What pegs you as a mother? Is it a light others see when you cannot?
Is it the filling curve rounding away from bikini swerve at 40?
Do your eyes speak wisdom and your breasts smell of love?
Is there a sternness when you walk the street thinking of
ways to coax a child to try the broccoli or drink her milk?
Is it weariness on a face once smooth like silk?
Is it bad poetry you write 'cuz your brain's been fried
and your hair's on the floor or at the very least dyed
to cover dreams long gone?

We worry and pray then one day
hug babies grown to legacies.
Is this what others see, that
we nurture flesh lovingly?

(c) 2008 Nordette Adams

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor at BlogHer and is attempting to rebuild her blog life at Whose Shoes are These Anyway.