The Safe List -- And Why You're Not On It

Elizabeth! 

I love this post.  Very well written; I felt as if I was offered free admission into your private thoughts.  You are on point with my thoughts and how we are raising our children.  I've surprised at the number of parents who are offended at your (our) style of child-rearing. 

Protecting my at the risk of looking like a paranoid freak or merely an overly-protective parent is my job.  What is "overly-protective" anyway?  I can't be with my children 24/7.  It's impossible to protect them from everything.  I get that.  But what I can do, I will.

I'd rather have them "feel" like they missed out on some cool event rather than risk their safety. 

Looking back on some of the places my parents let me go and do as a child?  Makes me shudder.   I'm not going to make that mistake.  Had I known before a "special event" from my youth what I would experience because my parents were not paying attention?  I would have gladly given up the "experiences" I had at those "special events."  Knowing what I know now,  I would have preferred to have felt like I "missed out" on something rather than to have experienced what actually happened. 

I don't apologize for how I feel or how we're raising our kids.  They're amazing, outgoing, and unafraid.  But they're MY children; my responsibility. 

I wish I had the ability to write something as important as this with your level of wit.

Good work.

Laura

I completely understand. My five year old is having his first sleep over on Friday. We know the parents well and for the first time, I feel as though I can trust someone with his safety.

I just had this conversation with my daughter this morning. Well,it was less a conversation and more of me telling her that when she gets to be a little older the sleepovers are going to stop. I'm not as worried about the molesters at this point (she's old enough to know what the deal is with that) as the sneaking out at night that teenagers are going to do. I didn't let her sleep over at friend's houses until she was about 10, and I knew the parents really well. Now that she's almost 13, a different kind of danger zone is in play. There have been enough incidents of teens sneaking out at night and wrapping their cars around phone poles in the last couple of years that I can use that as an example of why I'll be saying "no" to sleeping over. I also told her it isn't that I don't trust her, but that I don't trust anybody!

Child abuse in every form is still committed, not by strangers but people we know and "trust".

I had my kids a bit later than my friends and I got to sit back and see what kind of parenting decisions friends and family members made long before I had to worry about my own kids. (I also have many, many friends that were molested by family, friends of family and 'mommy's boyfriends' as children. Their parents weren't evil, just stupid.)

Sure, these people were fine as my adult friends, but the reasons why I would never leave my kid with them range from the secret pot smoker (it IS illegal) to the functioning alcoholic. There is the girl who is sweet as can be, but thinks nothing of bringing home men she just met to screw, with her kids sleeping in the next room.

There are the friends who have been known to leave preteens alone for extended periods while they 'run to the store'.

One neighbor wanted my kids to come to her house for a slumber party and I said "No" and she pushed the issue so I told her "You live with a nut that beats you and my kids aren't coming near your house, EVER" She replied, " I would never let him hurt your kids". After I stopped laughing, I told her, "You can't stop him from beating you. If you want to live that way, fine, but it is sick that your kids have to live with it and there is no way my kids are getting sucked into your garbage" She doesn't ask to borrow butter anymore...

Now that I have kids, one of the most telling things for me is the fact that my kids have dozens of friends and out of these only ONE mom insisted upon meeting me before her child could come to my house. Most of the other parents I wouldn't know if they fell on me.

So, when my kids ask to go to those houses or to events with these strangers I have no problem saying "NOPE!" because, in the back of my mind I already see them as sex maniac junkies with the decision making skills of a gerbil.

I too worried. I left my daughter with a friend of hers playing one afternoon and we never realized that the father was such a grump to his own kids yelling at them and my daughter. Later on the parents divorced. Apparently he was an alcoholic and left her pennliless to raise the children by herself. The mother was so sweet and put up such a good front, who knew?

Patty

Don't back down! My son has a friend...I met the mother, I had several in-person and phone conversations with her, and I really thought we were on the same page. I finally let my son spend the night at their apartment (he's in middle school), and that mother left those boys in the apartment at 11:00 at night and went to the bar. I just wanted to vomit.

Marianne at Mealmixer ( http://www.mealmixer.com )

The first time my daughter was invited to a sleepover I paid for a full criminal background check on the parents.

I'd rather the kids come play at my house than let my kids go to theirs.

And yet I STILL managed to hire a babysitter that got arrested for felony harassment less than two weeks after she started working for me. That has done nothing to increase my trust in others, particularly in regards to my kids!

This post is really, really good. And awesome. And right on the money.

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

I have been a silent reader of Blogher for about 6 months now...this is the first post that made me want to create a profile and comment. I too have this parenting style, my kids and family both see me just as controling but so few people understand this or the impact it can have on a kids life.
it's definitly not you, it's me!

Your comments are sad but true unfortunately. My parents were never super strict about where we went, and I made it out "safe"...but I know people who didn't. I tend to be much more easy going than my husband, but I do think twice about where they are. It is a delicate balance to protect them without having them live in a bubble and we all need to find out own "balance".

I had my first experience with this yesterday. I took my 3 yo son and 9 week old daughter for pics. The professional male photographer was trying to get the 3 yo on the bed (for pics with his sister). My son looked at him really unsure what to do. I picked him up and put him where he needed to be, but I want to teach my child to trust his instinct and it looked like his instincts were telling him that something wasn't right about the situation.

And great points! I have similar issues, lol, they're all about me, not you, I assure you. But I have a similar attitude about things - my kids can go use a public (certain ones, I'm not a moron) restroom on their own, but I'd be uncomfortable leaving them for a playdate at someone's house if I don't know the person/family/environment/situation EXTREMELY well.

I write on Suburban (In)sanity ( http://beckersmith.typepad.com/my_weblog/ ). I have two kids, two cats, a dog, a husband and a minivan. I live in the suburbs now and try to stay sane. Some days, I succeed.

I wonder about the parents that don't feel the need to check out their kids friends parents. My biggest one is letting other people take my kids places, as in anyone driving my kid anywhere. Oh that and trusting others to care for my kids around water...even my own parents! but those are my phobias. I think people just have to understand that we have to do what we need to do to keep our own sanity

I always thought my parents were overprotective because they had really strict rules about whose house I could go to and where I could spend the night. I about died of embarrassment when I was 14 and wanted to go to a new friend's overnight bday party and my mom insisted she go in to talk to the parents first. But now I'm a mother. Now I'm the one who has to keep my babies safe. Everyone I know who has been sexually assaulted/harassed (and it's a shockingly high number in my opinion), was attacked by a neighbor/family member/friend of the family. No one was raped by a stranger on the street. I would be mortified to find out someone I know were to do that to children, but worse would be if they did it to MY children.

Jennifer Barr is a wife and working mom of two beautiful girls, 3 going on 13 and 1, which means she's sleep deprived but constantly kept on her toes! Most of those experiences are chronicled on her blog, http://midwestmomments.blogspot.com.

You know, you are just tuned in to doing what moms are here to do. That's why I think we can (and should) run the world. We can and should sniff out danger.

But you've got a great point. I knew girls who were abused by boyfriends mom brought into the house.

Good Mama!

Heather blogs about Motherhood & Other Offensive Situations at http://www.ultimateoutcasts.com.