Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me)
Last night I spent all evening trying to determine the source of the following cryptic message on my DVD player:
Although there was no 'To' or 'From' accompanying the message, my first assumption was that I must have unwittingly done something terrible to get onto Satan's mailing list. I do inappropriate things - try to market pussy cozies, swear in front of my kids, stay on the toilet extra long to get a moment's peace - but nothing (lately) that warrants a confession. Then again, I'm not a Catholic, so what do I know? Despite my lack of knowledge and feelings of guilt, I decided that if the message was in fact from the Devil, it was spam. I use bad language on occasion, but I'm not badass.
Who else could have sent a message to my DVD player? God is capable of such a stunt, but from what I've heard, he isn't that high tech and prefers burning bushes. Plus, I'm pretty sure the man upstairs has better things to do than play pranks on bored housewives.
In the end, the most reasonable explanation is that my DVD player hates me and is using its limited screen size the best way it can to tell me off. Why would it hate me?
- Previously put to work once or twice a week to play A-grade movies (Cannes Film Festival winners and the like), it was banished to the basement when we got a Bose system.
- It was resurrected and put in the playroom where it is regularly harassed by M and her friends. They throw things at it, bang on it, press all its buttons and shove the door closed.
- It is left on all the time and doesn't get a break.
- It is forced to play kids' shows and kids' shows only and is thereby subjected to:
- Elmo's high pitch chatter (I swear he's a Chipmunk in a Muppet's clothing);
- Caillou's pathetic but maddening whining (like parents don't listen to enough kid-bitching in a day);
- Dora the Explorer's incessant repetition (Big Blue Bridge, Shiny Shimmer Shack and Racing River x 1,000. Don't the map sequences drive you bonkers?);
- Madeline's friend's funny accents (I'm confused. They are living in Paris, but the characters don't sound French.); and
- The Wiggles' insanity (Need I say more? Middle-aged men trying to be cool singing and dancing to the worst songs ever.)
After sleeping on it, I now see that my explanation - my DVD player hates me - is completely egocentric. My DVD player is simply trying to tell me it's in Elmo-Caillou-Dora-Madeline-Wiggles Hell.
Which kids' shows would be playing nonstop in your personal version of Hell?