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It is the weirdest feeling.
Here I am, the mother of two college aged kids, and I feel like I want to quit everything reasonable and plunge into my dreams.
I am a pastor. Cool beans.
But I am also a writer/author, a musician and an actor. I want to make a CD. Maybe do a commercial or two. Audition for a Broadway play. Sing. Sing, sing and sing some more.
It doesn't help one iota that people say I can sing. I know I can act and choreograph because I've run a summer arts camp for kids and I teach them to act. I choreograph their dances. I love it; performing is part of who I am.
But I am old. I have a house with a mortgage, way too many bills, including my kids' college debts, and a suitcase of fear.
Not long ago, I saw one of my former members. She had been a business owner. She contracted breast cancer a few years back and got over it. That year, I ran my first marathon; she did some ridiculously long bike ride. It was a celebration of her having beat cancer.
"I'm not sick," she said to me. "I just have cancer."
Anyway, after she took the bike ride, I guess she started reconfiguring her lift, making some decisions. What she wanted to do she decided she'd do. When I saw her a month ago, she was taking pictures at an event.
"It's what I've always wanted to do," she said sheepishly but confidently. "I just decided I'd take the leap."
Damn if that didn't get me thinking. She just took the leap. She was always in better financial shape than I; I really do have a lot of debt and I don't make much money. But bigger than that is this feeling inside me like I am going to burst. I feel like I am at the side of pool at the deep end, ready to jump in. Fear is pulling me back.
I preach about how fear is not good; my latest book, "Crazy Faith: Ordinary People; Extraordinary Lives" talks about how having crazy faith makes good things happen.
So what's up with me?
Believe it or not, writing all this down was the first step to getting past this fear.
I won't jump in tomorrow, but the "big step" may be closer than I think.
At least that's how I feel.
