By rondamb on January 02, 2013
First day of work in 2013, and already it feels like the ugly stuff is getting ready to hit the fan. As if I hadn't been feeling enough anxiety over whether or not to finally turn in my application to go back to school to get my PhD, anxiety over things going on in my marriage, and anxiety about finances and deployments, I came to work today and found out that my boss is leaving on January 11th and the Personnel Committee will not meet to begin the process of replacing her until January 16th. I have no clue what this meansfor my job, no clue what this will mean for the flexibility I currently have, and no clue how much added work I am going to have to take on until they find someone to take her place.
This is the problem, I work part-time at a church doing graphic design, part-time as an adjunct professor, and keep up with the kids. I have been working up the courage to finally submit my application to go back to school to get my PhD and now I am scared of what this proposition of getting a new boss could entail for me. Add into that the fact that we know my husband will be deployed for 6 months for training sometime in the next 2 years and now I am rethinking everything. I have been trying to find a full-time professorship, but there aren't many of those available for someone with a Master's in Criminal Justice. I know getting my PhD will make me more hireable and my current program director is really wanting me to do it so that I can take over for her when she is ready to retire in the next 5 years or so.
Whatever I do, I don't want things to adversely affect my children. On the one hand, I think it is good for our 9 year old daughter that she has seen me go back to school to get both my Bachelors and Masters since she was 3. I have worked the whole time and I know that I am instilling in her the knowledge that you really can do whatever you set your mind to. I am more scared about her 4 year old brother. We have spent a lot of one on one time together when he was so sick, and he did not adjust very well when his Daddy was deployed for 7 weeks for Officers School. I know in my head he will be fine, I am just worried about getting wrapped up in schoolwork and then have DH get deployed.
I guess the control freak in me is having a hard time with so many changes coming up that I can't control all at once. It makes me very anxious and scared about what decision to make specifically regarding the PhD application. I know this is something that I want and need to do, but what if I fail? Am I the only one that lets a fear of failure override the urge to do things? What impacts will it have on my family and career if I can't do this? It isn't the classwork, it is the dissertation that scares me.
I am also really having a hard time with the situation at work. I really want to get out of my job at the church, but have to pick up some more teaching hours to make up for the pay cut from not working at the church. I also don't want to let anyone down at the church or leave them in a bind to get their publications and website done.
So, what do you do when you are anxious and overwhelmed and have a big decision to make? I have prayed and prayed about everything and thought turning in the application was the direction I was supposed to go, but now I don't know again.
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