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I’m a scheduling kind of girl. I live by my calendar, I make lists, and I find satisfaction in order. So when I was pregnant with my first child and found a book that promised an orderly, scheduled way to raise a baby, I jumped at it. I devoured the book, taking notes, and I talked to my friends, most of whom (at the time) followed the same baby “system”.
The book suggested a very structured schedule, with promises that any baby would naturally fall into this rhythm. It painted “demand feeding” as a very negative thing. And I, being a first-time mom, terribly unconfident, and eager for something structured and quantifiable, bought into it, wholeheartedly.
It was a disaster.
The first three months of my firstborn’s life were filled with frustration for me (and, it grieves me to admit, for him too, I would imagine). He was supposed to nurse for 30 minutes! Without falling asleep! And then play contentedly for a few minutes! And then fall asleep, on his own, without rocking, naturally awaking for his next scheduled feeding! But it didn’t work that way. Hadn’t he read the book?
More out of frustration than wisdom, I abandoned the “system” when he was three months old, and a remarkable thing happened. My son directed himself toward a very predictable schedule very quickly, one that suited his own personality, metabolism and sleep patterns. It wasn’t the one the book said he should follow, but it was his. He was a routine and healthy eater and sleeper, but on his own little terms.
I profoundly regret that I let myself get so blinded by the importance of a schedule during his first few months. Honestly, my earliest memories of his newborn days carry a tinge of sadness that I allowed so much frustration to enter the picture. We still had plenty of sweet times together, of course, but I suspect I missed many, too. My nursing experience with him was difficult, hindered (I believe, in retrospect) that I didn’t embrace demand feeding. (And since then, the American Academy of Pediatrics has issued a warning against this very system.)
With my subsequent three babies, I thankfully had enough sense to relax and learn their own rhythms. I still believe it’s healthy (and convenient) for moms and babies to move toward a general schedule. But—and this is the number-one piece of advice I’d give any new mom—trust yourself enough to know your baby. Listen to his rhythms, find out what he naturally responds too. Maybe he’s the sort that craves sleeping in long chunks. Maybe he’s not. Maybe she is naturally wakeful first thing in the morning, or maybe she’s most alert before bed. Watch your baby, and adapt accordingly.
Most of all, trust your instincts. If any parenting "system" you follow seems to inject only frustration and heartache, then that may be a red flag. Seek out a wise parenting mentor or pediatrician, and find the resources and encouragement that best suit your family.
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
