Cribsheet
Scheduling Babies: Trust Your Instincts
by rocksinmydryer

I’m a scheduling kind of girl. I live by my calendar, I make lists, and I find satisfaction in order. So when I was pregnant with my first child and found a book that promised an orderly, scheduled way to raise a baby, I jumped at it. I devoured the book, taking notes, and I talked to my friends, most of whom (at the time) followed the same baby “system”.

The book suggested a very structured schedule, with promises that any baby would naturally fall into this rhythm. It painted “demand feeding” as a very negative thing. And I, being a first-time mom, terribly unconfident, and eager for something structured and quantifiable, bought into it, wholeheartedly.

It was a disaster.

The first three months of my firstborn’s life were filled with frustration for me (and, it grieves me to admit, for him too, I would imagine). He was supposed to nurse for 30 minutes! Without falling asleep! And then play contentedly for a few minutes! And then fall asleep, on his own, without rocking, naturally awaking for his next scheduled feeding! But it didn’t work that way. Hadn’t he read the book?

More out of frustration than wisdom, I abandoned the “system” when he was three months old, and a remarkable thing happened. My son directed himself toward a very predictable schedule very quickly, one that suited his own personality, metabolism and sleep patterns. It wasn’t the one the book said he should follow, but it was his. He was a routine and healthy eater and sleeper, but on his own little terms.

I profoundly regret that I let myself get so blinded by the importance of a schedule during his first few months. Honestly, my earliest memories of his newborn days carry a tinge of sadness that I allowed so much frustration to enter the picture. We still had plenty of sweet times together, of course, but I suspect I missed many, too. My nursing experience with him was difficult, hindered (I believe, in retrospect) that I didn’t embrace demand feeding. (And since then, the American Academy of Pediatrics has issued a warning against this very system.)

With my subsequent three babies, I thankfully had enough sense to relax and learn their own rhythms. I still believe it’s healthy (and convenient) for moms and babies to move toward a general schedule. But—and this is the number-one piece of advice I’d give any new mom—trust yourself enough to know your baby. Listen to his rhythms, find out what he naturally responds too. Maybe he’s the sort that craves sleeping in long chunks. Maybe he’s not. Maybe she is naturally wakeful first thing in the morning, or maybe she’s most alert before bed. Watch your baby, and adapt accordingly.

Most of all, trust your instincts. If any parenting "system" you follow seems to inject only frustration and heartache, then that may be a red flag. Seek out a wise parenting mentor or pediatrician, and find the resources and encouragement that best suit your family.

Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.

Submitted by rocksinmydryer (view blog) on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 6:08am

Comments

 

Amen!

I like my lists too, as anyone who knows me will attest.  That being said, I don't care what time each item gets done, and sometimes I don't mind transferring an item or two to another day.  Life happens. I find being relaxed and flexible is the way to go, when possible.

I agree with you about trusting your own instincts enough to know that you and your baby will find the way - a lot of times against the advice of your OB or your pediatrician.  After all, they're only people to and each of us is very, very different.  I find that I love our differences and have learned many things from people who thought and felt very differently from me.

Christine
It's My World.  Welcome To It.
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewelry Blog: http://www.starbrightjewels.com/blog

Submitted by Colormepink on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 09:53
 

I'm with you!

Each child is unique, with different needs that may or may not respond to someone else's plan.  Flexibility keeps me sane as a parent.

I think I read the same book, only after my first child was born.  Luckily by that point I was able to realize that kids generally fall into their own routine, and so I didn't buy into the hype.  I made plenty of other mistakes with my first, though.  As a first child myself I don't beat myself up, because I know that even though we're sort of 'science experiments', we're OK in the end. ;-)

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Submitted by AmberS on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 11:15
 

Amen "wise parent!"

I love this:  "If any parenting "system" you follow seems to inject only frustration and heartache, then that may be a red flag."

I'm needing to hear this now because of my frustration with potty-training my three-year-old, but I remember feeling it too when they were babies.  I love schedules as much as you do, but when I had my first one and he was (gasp!) unpredictable with eating and sleeping habits, it sent me into a tailspin!  I believe I'm still recovering...

But I did learn to lighten up with the second one, thankfully.  It was so much more relaxing in the early months; I was actually more productive during the holidays that year than I had been the year before (#2 was born in September).  I think it was because I wasn't so neurotic with his schedule.  I wish I'd have been more laid back with the first...

Ahh, hindsight is wonderful and confounding.

Submitted by ChristineR on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 11:50
 

Yes!

Potty training is another great example of a time when it's important to listen to your instincts (and your kids) over the books!  That's not always easy, though.

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
www.rocksinmydryer.net
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family

Submitted by rocksinmydryer on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 08:57
 

Absolutely!

I love what you said about parenting instinct.  I think that if you learn to trust your instincts, you'll have a lot of success.  A lot of parents try to follow what they read in books, instead of signs they read from their newborn. 

Don't try to get it perfectly because you'll just get frustrated.  Yes, you'll get tired from their schedule but these times won't last forever and before you know it, they'll be all grown up.

Maria Melo

http://www.conversationswithmoms.com

Submitted by conversationswithmoms on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 06:33
 

I think I read the same

I think I read the same book! But I read it 2 months into parenting, and it was a sanity-saver. I never tried to follow it exactly, but it gave me a general idea of how many feedings in a day to aim for. My kids never gave the "feeding cues" that all the attachment parenting books talked about, and so without at least a vague schedule, they wouldn't have gotten much food at all!

 My oldest child screamed at night, while I tried to rock her to sleep. My friends told me that's what you do, you rock your kids to sleep. Reading The Book gave me the courage to do what my instincts told me to do....put her in her crib, close the door, and let her sleep. As long as I held her, she would not sleep, she got frustrated--she wanted to be alone!

Two days after reading The Book, my dd was sleeping through the night, and I was a sane person again. The same general schedule of feedings (I ignored the bathe now, play now, etc instructions and just did whatever worked for us) worked for my younger kids as well. All my kids slept through the night (not the be-all end-all goal, but what a relief!) around 2 months old.

 Someone gave me a Dr Sears book. It was so different from my instincts that I wanted to throw it against the wall! The Other Book helped. It did not become my Bible, it just showed me there was another way. A way that fit my instincts and my children's needs too.

Each family is unique. We have to remember that our way and our instincts won't fit everyone else.

--Georgetta, www.weakwearymom.blogspot.com

Submitted by weakwearymom on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 10:11
 

Thank you

Shannon, thank you for continued advocacy of instinctive parenting.  I've been so encouraged to hear your wisdom on this matter in the past; thank you for sharing it again here.

The Baby System robbed me of the joy of experiencing my oldest daughter as a  newborn for the first three months of her life.  Though I don't believe for one second my (failed) attempts to follow it had any negative impact on her, it is still a precious, magical time that I missed out on, a time I will never, ever be able to relive.

 This is so timely as this topic weighs so heavily on my heart right now.  Thank you again for your continued positive encouragement for us to listen and give heed to our mama hearts over the instructions of any parenting "expert."

Submitted by SortaCrunchy on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 11:49
 

Me, Too!!!

Shannon, my story is the EXACT same.  I expected little Z to go by what I ordained as a schedule, and we struggled HORRIBLY with nursing because of it, too.  Thank you for sharing this, I hope some expectant or new moms will see this & it will make a difference in their parenting. 

Carrie of http://ceaselesspraises.blogspot.com

Submitted by mrshart03 on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 13:20