I'm Terrified of This New School Year

I don't know if this is the right place to tell you guys who have participated in this awesome conversation that I have posted an update on Will. You should check it out - - it's pretty darn uplifting, if you ask me. :-)

hi, I am sure you've been given a ton of advice - but thought I would throw my 2 cents in - have you thought about trying Montessori? They let the child lead the learning and he can take his interests and incorporate the basic concepts. Like insects - they can do all the math skills about insects. Not that simple, but it's a basic description. If he does not "qualify" for a diagnosis of Asperger's - then my opinion is that he probably doesn't have a "diagnosis" and he is just a genius who needs to find his place in this world - we all quirks that don't qualify us for a diagnosis!! Good luck - you are doing everything you can to help him!

Okay, first don't hate me. Second, who cares if he can't tie his shoes! Buy him velcro ones! Third, pull him out of school and start homeschooling. Or find a school that can attend to his needs. Yes it will be very hard. But if you don't want him to wither inside, teach him social interaction at home. Family is less likely to react very negatively to his behavior. It may cut down your income, but it will be worth every sacrifice you have to make. Your other kids will be happier too. Even if you don't homeschool them. The less stress you cause yourselves, will relate into their well being. My husband is a teacher, and when they get a child like your son, their heart breaks. They cannot give them the love and attention they need. They have thirty other children they have to look after. And not everyone can teach children like your son. It takes very special people. So don't go too hard on the teachers. I feel for your situation very much but you need to take the path of least resistance, one that creates harmony. Your son will thank you, in his own special way.

You sound like great parents. I'm sure the school "system" is doing everything they can, but you know him best. You love him like no one else.

I agree with many of the very caring, knowledgeable comments. My now 12-year-old son had (still has) some of your sons similar issues. My son is off the charts when it comes to testing. When it comes to day to day school, he just doesn't care. Everyone learns differently. We (my family) are so fortunate to be in a great school system that the teachers take different learning styles very seriously. Yes, they grow tired of him quickly. I completely understand. If he wasn't my kid, I would be done.

At the end of the school year last year, his 6th grade teacher was very concerned about his move to junior high. (I am still concerned.) We met with the school psychologist once again, and she feels it will all click for him sometime soon. I am in no way saying this is like your son. My son has never been tested for Asperger's Syndrome, but the school psychologist after learning my son comes from a lineage of scientists (physicists, engineers, geologists, etc.) explained that there are many full-functioning adults who have probably never been diagnosed with Asperger's, but have all of the symptoms. I like to joking refer to him silently to myself as a "functional Asperge."

Good luck, and hold onto the dream that he will be happy. That is all I wish for my children.

Has your son been evaluated for High Functioning Autism or Aspergers Syndrome? Based on what you're saying, he's showing many of the symptoms. These kids can have splinter skills in one area and be genuises, yet not have a grasp of basic academic functions and be performing below grade level in everything else.

Splinter skills are great and they can lead to careers if they're developed in the long run. But, one cannot rely on that solely. Being able to learn the basics of education is critical as well and that's what is going to lead to higher education. And, developing social skills at his age is critical as well because many of our children don't understand the perspectives of others in their environments.

I'd have him evaluated for HFA or Aspergers and emply people on your support team with skills in these areas who can truly help him. I'm the mother of an HFA son.

God Bless.

I am so glad to read that the year has been going well. I know there are some books and websites and other resources out there on "twice exceptional" children (super bright but with issues) although since that's not my son's issues, I don't know what they are specifically, but worth exploring. I hope things continue to work out this year. If there is some sort of gifted program in your school district, that is probably where he will most likely find peers who think like he does and have similar interests. The most important thing is that you are so involved with and such a support for your son. Good Luck!

It looks like you've gotten incredible support from the community, and I'm not sure that I can contribute anything that anyone else hasn't said. However, I just wanted to say that I don't think you can go wrong with retaining him for 2nd grade. The social aspect is about 90% of school. If he is emotionally young, then this will help him tremendously. If you didn't do this, he would struggle with playing catch-up socially all of his years of school. It will be a win-win. Perhaps challenging at first, but in the big picture (which you are obviously looking at), you are giving him a wonderful chance to be a leader in his class - rather than someone coming from behind. Good luck!

I can completely related to your situation! My Aidan is brilliant and shares many of your son's challenges. His year at kindergarten went from horrible to...okay. Out of sheer desperation, and after trying a gazillion things, crying outside in the rain in January, etc..I had a moment of clarity. His energy is different. It has to be to match his intellectual busy-ness. The behavior troubles were a mismatch of energy between him and his classmates. I teach guided meditation. I have a brilliant child who's abstract thinking rivals mine. Why not give teaching him a try? Guided meditation really appealed to his complex little brain. He protects himself with his white light whenever he gets that overwhelmed feeling. Like when a more typical classmate doesn't understand how to do her work. Or when someone approaches him with aggressive energy. Or, more common, his classmates have no idea what he is talking about. I mean, how many 5 year olds want to learn about how ancient Egyptians mummified their kings or what epidermilytic hyperkeradosis (don't ask me how to spell this) is?

Wrapping my own head around how different his energy is because of his intellectual functioning helped him immensely AND has helped me to explain his "behavior problems" to all those involved in his education. PLUS, he understands this, likes the idea (since it's nice and complex), and can apply his "white" light whenever he feels stressed.

I am still concerned about Grade 1, but I'll continue to coach my little guy like he's one of my clients. We'll see how it goes.

Good to hear you've had a good first week!!! All the best.

I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone who commented on my blog post about my son. It has meant the absolute world to me to hear from people who have walked or are walking in our shoes - makes me feel just a little less alone. The best part about this though, is all of the new information and insights that I've been offered by those who have shared their story with me. That has been absolutely wonderful and I'm so so so appreciative. This post was written when I was at a personal crisis point just before school started but I am happy to report that the first week of school has been great. Not just good, but excellent. I'm cautiously optimistic, but just thought I would share. Thank you all again, so much.

Rebeccah

Did you watch this talk by Sir Ken Robinson?

http://youtu.be/zDZFcDGpL4U

Sounds exactly like my daughter - same age, same grade - very bright, "little professor", poor social skills - she just got an Aspergers diagnosis (with IEP) this year. Best of luck with your son.

That's really a drag. Have you looked into an IEP (individualized Education Plan) for him? Or has your team of 9 discussed this with you?

They are often useful for kids who need to learn in an individualized way, not just the mainstream way; or they need a smaller learning environment.

If you want to read up on it here's a link

http://ed.gov/parents/needs/speced/iepguide/index....

Some parents decide not to go this route because the child receives special education services and the parents don't want their student to be labeled as Special Ed. However I have seen a lot of students be really successful with them where before they were failing.

Hope this helps.

My friend is having a very similar problem with her daughter...it's so frustrating to feel like no one is really interested in helping your child. This year they've found a small school that specializes in children with learning differences and so far it is going well.

The most important thing you can do for him, I think, is to make sure he has activities in which he can feel successful. For my friend's daughter that was the swim team. When school is such a challenge, they need to be able to carve out a part of their week where they can feel like king of the mountain. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry school is such a challenge for you and your son. My youngest has also made school a disheartening experience for us. Although she is incredibly social and artisticly gifted, academics are of zero interest to her so she struggles and she too ends up feeling stupid.

No one will love or teach your child more than you and your husband. All of the energy you put into fighting the system - could you put it into finding a way for you to stay home and homeschool? Homeschool groups have so much freedom in their learning. I've watched my friend do it and was often envious of her schedule and all the interesting projects she did with her kids. Just a thought...

My son will be 18 this April..had many similar problems, and I watched him go from a smiling at me lovey, although extremely will full kid, to a total reverse in positive character, re: manipulative, lying, threatening, abusive..lost to me at some point. I went through so much trying to get him on a healthy, honest track.

He was drawn in to the dark, seductive so-called smart behavior of some of the corrupt and wealthy kids.

Trying to fit in with the wrong people, albeit extremely academically capable sometimes, of poor character with corrupt values.

I hope somewhere, someday he finds me again, and who I brought him up to be.

My heart goes out to you in your struggle. I had little help or support of the right kind from anyone. Hope is always around the corner sometimes.

Poor Will, it's agony trying to fit into a round hole when you're a square peg. Plus, everyone's telling you how to be a round peg when that's not who you are so you always feel second rate.

I know Will, I've worked with him many times over 30 years. Well, not exactly him, but others just like him. Professionals were initially horrified by my methods but the kids got it right away. You can hire me, but I suggest you don't ... you've been through enough.

So, I'm going to give you my secret to success with such kids: I validated them ... that's it. I'd say things like, "You're sure a pain in the butt aren't you?" (That was the statement that horrified many principals, counselors, etc., ha ha.) The child/teen would be shocked, then I'd say, "Well, so am I so we're going to get along just great." That was a tool to make it okay to be themselves around me.

I ignored behaviour and went right to work on self-esteem. I simply had to make them like themselves before everything else. I asked them to tell me what they're proud of (may differ from what they're good at), what they like to do and made it very clear that there was zero judgment on my part. It doesn't work if you don't truly love kids, but because all parents love their kids, it can work for all parents.

Once Will's self-esteem starts to escalate, then everything else can be worked on. What was interesting was that every single kid/teen I worked with was well behaved when with me ... that's because they felt validated and understood. Their overall behaviour improved with everyone else over a period of time also.

It's not rocket science, just old fashioned common sense. We all need to feel understood and respected, it's the key to high self-esteem.

My website (bratbusters.com) has loads of articles which you may find helpful.

Warmly, Lisa.

I was in a similar position with my family - only I was the kid in the situation. My poor Mum tore her hair out not knowing what to do with a daughter who was in first grade reading at a fifteen year old level, yet couldn't (or maybe I didn't want to) deal with even simple math.

Getting the right teacher or school was definitely her mode. My first grade teacher would give me reading lessons and assignments separate from the rest of the class and my second/third grade teacher did too. We were very lucky in that respect. But she wasn't worried (as far as I knew) to go into the school and demand that I get moved to a class with a teacher she wanted me to be with. It embarrassed the heck out of me sometimes and I resented it, but it was awesome in the end.

Hang in there. He may not understand right now, but he will eventually. :)

Please read Joe Newman's Raising Lions. It has helped so many parents that I know. It sounds like you have not found the right nine people as they don't seemed to have helped you and your son. I suspect he is on the autism scale and it might be wise to seek an expect in autism. Holding him back a grade will not hurt if he is socially no ready. My twin grandsons with Aug 29 birthdays here in California started at almost 6 instead of almost 5 and it is the best decision my son and wife made, especially with boys. I wish you the best of decisions for your son. Don't allow one school to dictate to you. Find another best school for your son.

Oh, Berecca, how I can relate to exactly the frustration that you're dealing with. From day one in Kinder, my son was pegged by his teacher as a behavior problem. I've written some on my blog about the issues I've dealt with in the public school with my gifted kids. I live in a tiny town with very limited resources and very limited financial wherewithal myself.

First off, trust your instincts. Do what you think is right for your son. Don't worry too much about future years, so much as focusing on making <i>this</i> year go smoothly for him. If that means repeating second grade, so be it. Then keep being as available as you have been to work with the school to help him socially and emotionally.

If you have health insurance that covers behavioral health, you may be able to get the insurance to cover a complete cognitive and academic evaluation of your son, based on the school's noted behavioral concerns. This is how we got our son tested. We found a licensed psychologist in the area that works with both gifted kids and kids on the autism spectrum. The cost to us was five office visit co-pays over a few months time, thanks to insurance.

If insurance doesn't cover this sort of testing, you may find a graduate school of education where they perform the testing at a discounted rate.

Having an outside party, one who spends time getting to know your son, and how his brain works for the end-goal of making things better for him may provide valuable insight to what he needs out of school. Having that written report that shows his intellectual capacity, his problem solving skills and his behavioural reactions to frustration and anger , etc., made a big difference in the attention our public school started paying to my son's needs.

Keep up all that you are doing for your boy!! He's so fortunate to have you in his corner!

~Margaret

<a href="http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com">Just Margaret</a>

One Word: Feldenkrais.

I don't know where you live, but there should be a practitioner in your area. I have know people who were able to eliminate most of their other treatment modalities after some time with The Feldenkrais Method.

I have a 20 year old son with high functioning autism. He's bright but struggles to interact. After ninth grade, we pulled him from public school in Minnesota and sent him to a remote boarding school in New Hampshire that caters to bright boys who struggle socially. It was hard to do. It was pricey. But it was so worth it. Check out hampshirecountryschool.org. Best of luck to you.

I know exactly how you feel. We tried putting my 3-year-old son in preschool when he was 2, and it was a complete disaster. Within a week, he came home depressed that he was different from all the other kids, and no one wanted to play Scrabble with him or build cathedrals. He focused his frustration into throwing bricks at the other kids - his reactions are generally very physical. To this day he is extremely wary of other kids - he'll attack them first, ask questions later. And oh boy if the kids don't answer his questions... "You know, an iron is also a metal. What is made of iron?" I started his own Twitter feed just to keep track of his quips. The mention of school still makes him burst into tears more than a year later. We have decided to keep him out of school as long as possible (read: until he's 5) to see if his emotional/social development catches up a bit. At 3, he's a young 3 in that area; academically, he's 6 or 7. He can read, he can write, and his abstract thought is unbelievable. He only likes chapter books. Academically, he could be in 1st grade easily right now. He loves hanging out with older kids, but they can't deal with his emotional immaturity (can't blame them for that!) so that's not the solution either. Our plan right now is to have him tested when he's 4 1/2 and then apply to gifted schools and programs only. In the mean time, we have found a wonderful community at Mensa called Bright Kids for him to find peers. We meet once a month and share information and just let the kids be together. I recommend at least joining their mailing list - the people on there are just a wealth of information. The SENG web site is also a great resource. That said, I know that school will never be easy for him - and for us. We have just started the battle.