Seagull versus Sandwich, a Roadside Drama

OK this is not my story. It is one of those friend of a friend of a friend stories. I think it is true, or at least I would really like it to be, because it is one that Ramsey and I love to retell and share with friends. Acting it out is fun too. And because it is just too crazy NOT to tell, I am writing it down, with apologies to any of the real people that may have been involved in the actual events, especially the Sandwich guy.

So…. There is this town (not mentioning any names) that has a recycling program. The recycling program has an educational component with a team that goes to festivals and schools. The town employees that are involved in the program hand out coloring books and stickers about recycling, and teach kids to reduce, reuse and recycle. One of the highlights of the educational program is the Seagull mascot. He is a star in the color books and stickers. The town even had a Seagull costume made up for one lucky town employee to wear at all of these functions.

Now the suit was sort of a one size fits all deal. And after they got it, they realized that basically no one could wear it. Except one tall, skinny guy on the crew.

“Hey, guess what! You are the mascot!”

“But I don’t wanna……”

“Congratulations! Here you go! Make sure you drink lots of water. But don’t even think about peeing because you can’t let any kids see you take off the suit to pee. It could be traumatic. And you can’t talk. Just flap your wings and wave.”

I have heard this is frequently the case with mascots – they end up with the job because, like Greg Brady and his rock persona “Johnny Bravo,” they “fit the suit.” 

(Ok, so here is where I apologize to Natalia in case she reads this because she is the bird mascot at her high school and she not only fits the suit, she is also an awesome mascot from what I understand, and someone should really give her a scholarship or something because little girls from all over Westlake love her).

Anyway, the tall, skinny guy thought it would be fun to be the Seagull at first but after awhile he realized that the suit is hot and kids want to hang on you and it really was boring to stand around for hours not talking (BECAUSE MASCOTS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK, PEOPLE. HAVEN’T YOU EVER BEEN TO DISNEY?). He decided he hated being the seagull. He tried to get out of it but no one else fit the suit so he was stuck with it. They did pay him overtime, though, so he would show up at the festivals and the concerts and the schools. Every weekend and some week nights. It got really old.

One weekend it was warm and sunny and the Seagull had to make an afternoon appearance at a festival. The Seagull showed up and waved to the babies and hugged some toddlers and, when no one was looking, yelled at the teenagers making fun of him. He had figured out that in the suit no one could see you drinking so he drank a few beers and then a few more…..

And then the festival was over and he was free to take off the suit and go home. He put the suit in the back seat of his car and headed out. On the trip home he passed a sandwich shop having a grand opening and in celebration. In front of the store was a guy dressed up like a giant sub sandwich handing out flyers and waving at cars on the side of the road….

Tall skinny guy got an idea.

An excellent, terrible idea.

He pulled over and put on the Seagull suit. He had had just enough beer to justify in his head that what he was doing was ok.

And then the giant human seagull started chasing the giant human sandwich down the side of the road.

The Sandwich guy, a poor guy that also happened to fit the suit, didn’t see this one coming. A guy in a Seagull suit was energetically flapping his wings and chasing him around in circles.

“Get away from me!!!!!”

(Flapping wings and head butting the sandwich because real mascots don’t talk.)

“What is wrong with you?”

(Jumping up and down and more flapping.)

“Screw you, man. What is your problem?”

(Giant head butt and a swift kick to the sandwich bottom.)

(Of course I am making up the dialog but you know it had to be at least this ridiculous.)

What Seagull did not count on was the fact that this spectacle would stop traffic. People came out of the sub shop and the other stores in the strip center. Cars stopped on the highways. People gawked and laughed.

LIFESIZE SEAGULL CHASES LIFESIZE SANDWICH DOWN BUSY STREET. 

Not something you see everyday.

It was all fun and games until the police showed up – at the same time as the tall, skinny guy’s boss, who had to drive on the same road as the tall, skinny guy to get home.

The boss was not amused. The Sandwich was not amused. Tall, skinny guy was hot and thirsty.

The now giant crowd was extremely amused and Seagull got a big ovation.

Tall, skinny guy waved and flapped.

After which he was escorted away and told he could never, ever, ever wear the suit again. There was also mention of rehab but not sure if that part is true.

Sadly, the Seagull was retired and tall, skinny guy doesn’t get any more Seagull overtime.

Last I heard they were still looking for someone else to fit the suit.

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