Second Thoughts and Second Chances
By Kathryn W. on December 02, 2010
I did a really scary thing today. I quit my job. Or at least, I gave notice.
The worst part? I don't have another job lined up.
I'm terrified. I left for several reasons, and I think to elaborate on all of them would be unprofessional, so I will refrain. One of the reasons, though, is that I just didn't think that line of work was for me anymore. On that, I will elaborate.
I graduated a couple of years ago from college. It took me a while to find a job and so when I found one, I jumped on the opportunity. It wasn't what I really wanted to do, but I was good at it and I thought something was better than nothing. Over time, though, I realized it didn't make me happy. Not only did it not make me happy, it stressed me out.
I know I must sound like a spoiled child, but I just couldn't see myself doing that type of work for the next forty years. In fact, I was terrified at the thought of it. So I prayed about it. I thought about it. I talked it over with my husband. We are, thankfully, able to live off of one income while I pursue something else. You have no idea how thankful I am for that. So I gave notice. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And now I'm looking for something else.
But what am I looking for, exactly?
I soul searched. I prayed. I pondered. I self examined. I'm still lost. I have thought about becoming a teacher. I have a degree in Spanish and my state has alternate route programs to becoming a teacher. I like kids, I always enjoyed tutoring, and I know it isn't the simple schedule that everyone thinks. I have talked to teachers. I have even talked to teachers who went through the alternate route program. I think this could work. But I'm nervous.
What if this doesn't work out? What if I'm terrible at it? What if I decide I don't like this either? These questions nag at me and nag at me. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm unsure. And as someone who really likes to know the answer and to be in control, this is a version of my own personal hell. And to make matters worse? My other insecurities are starting to surface.
I have this overwhelming need to have my parents approve of me. I don't believe this has always been true, but I could be wrong. I'm in my mid twenties, I'm married, I'm a homeowner, and it breaks my heart to think they might not approve of my actions. Why? I don't know, I can't explain it. I just need to know the answer. And I need the answer to be that they do, indeed, approve of my course of action and support my decision. They say they will support whatever decision I make, but I can almost hear the disappointment in their voices. It hurts.
So I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm nervous. But I'm determined not to fail.
And, on the bright side, I'm not the victim of "analysis paralysis". I made a choice, I'm moving forward. I will not fail.
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