Heights Of Hidden Desires.
By JeyJow on January 26, 2014
Every night, I lie awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking of you. The way you embraced me, our hugs that lasted minutes in each other's arms. The way you would call at night till the wee hours of the morning and we would never get tired. We only said goodnight because we had to, and your morning text was what I would use to kick start my day. Your jokes had me randomly smilling in the middle of the day. It was beautiful,I was happy, but I had to let go, at least I thought I did. Every sleepless night that passes by, I regret pushing you away even more. I feel guilty for the way I treated you. I kept you a secret, I ignored you in public, I wouldn't pick your calls during the day and always hid the love notes you sent me during class. I pretended like we didn't exist. What kills me even more is the fact that I made you feel like you had to go through all that, you really didn't deserve any of it.
Don't judge me though. I only did that because I felt like no one would ever accept us. You were too young for me. I only stayed because there was no way I could resist your kisses, or the warmth that came with your embrace. The way you made me feel like I could do anything, like I was unstoppable, you were everything I wanted, just not what everyone would have accepted. I imagined myself introducing you to my strict parents,I saw the shock on their faces, that later turned into anger and finally, disappointment. An abomination perhaps, it's not right in our culture for a woman to be with a younger man, it's just not acceptable. It's the thought of such occurences that convinced me we would never be truly together. The stigma that came with a relationship such as ours, how people's critical eyes and derogatory opinions would tear us apart, if we truly wanted to be happy we had to live a lie, we had to be a secret. I should've listened to you, you know. None of that matters, love is love. Now, I'm missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me, and "the society" is not suffering,I am. I won't lie, I tried to move on. I thought you were a passing phase, so I gave dating another try. I thought it would be easier now because I'm looking for someone more "age appropriate", but they were all a disappointment. From wanting to get into my pants, to still dreaming of one day marrying a Beyoncè look alike, they were all superficial and simply frustrating. The other day, when I was out with my guy friends, I watched them talk,getting immersed in their endless chatter, listening but not really chipping in. They talked about football, cars and in between smoking weed, they didn't fail to mention their distaste for virgins, how they wanted lightskinned girlfriends and how their recent one night stand sexcapades made their lives worth living, and it was in that exact moment that I had an epiphany. I was in love with you, in fact, I had always been. In my frustration, I thought of the way you never judged me, I was too scared before, because it was the first time in my life that someone ever really accepted me for who I am, wholeheartedly. How many times in your life do you come across someone who can put up with your bullshit and still treat you like a goddess at the end of the day? Please try to understand, I've never been in love before, and those who have been before me, told me it sucks and I should keep it that way for as long as I could. Now, time has passed, six months later, I still haven't moved on. I recall the way my mother almost found out our secret when she saw you sneak out through the back door, as she was coming from work and asked "Who was that young boy?" Given, she was clueless, but never have I ever been so petrified in my entire life. How could she not see the guilt in my face? I must've done my best to hide it. I lied, of course. I said you were my younger brother's friend, and because he was not home, you were just leaving. That's when it struck me, I could never face them, I could never tell them the truth. I had to end what we had.
Our last randezvous happened on a Friday, at two in the morning. While you were waiting for me outside your car, my heart was breaking because I knew I bore bad news and you wouldn't take it lightly. We had been hiding for six months, and as much as it felt like walking on eggshells, I had the most incredible time of my life. I saw pain write itself all over your face as I told you I was done. You said we needed more time,I thought we were just wasting it. I would never tell a soul about us, and staying a secret would never be enough for you. When you finally accepted it, you gave me one of your embraces that always lasted longer than it should. I could feel it, you didn't want to let go, neither did I, we wanted that moment to last forever,but... I let go. I said goodbye then walked away.
I waited for the empty feeling in my chest to go away, I hoped another guy would be the reason I would stay awake every night, but, no, it was you just you. I began resenting my parents, and everyone, it was their fault that we couldn't be, it was the thought of their judgments that made me so timid, yet they had nothing to do with us, where were they when we were falling in love? Then I realized it wasn't their fault,it never was, it was mine. If I wanted to be with you, I would be with you. I wouldn't let anyone tell me otherwise, I would remain true to what I felt and just forget the world, and choose to be happy. I just realized I can't live like this anymore, I want you back for good.
The question now, is whether you have moved on, I still don't know, but I have learnt that keeping all these feelings inside is killing me softly each passing day, so I'm coming to tell you the truth, every word of it. I won't ask you to take me back, that's up to you, I'll simply let you know how much you mean to me. Time apart has taught me well, and if I wasn't brave then, I am now. If, by any chance, you want us to pick up from where we left off, I won't keep you in the dark anymore. The world can criticize us for all I care. I'll let you know how I'll gladly hold your hand as people stare, how I'll pick your calls as my parents sneer and how I'll smile at your goofy love notes when everyone around me shakes their head. No more meeting in the dark-I'll kiss you in broad daylight instead, I will openly be yours. It just won't matter anymore, as long as I'm with you. With that, my conscience will be clear, and I will let you think about it, and make your choice. If yes, then my life will never be the same again, in a good way. If your answer is no, I'll understand and respect your decision- I guess I'll just have to live off the epic memories we made when we were together, and oh so madly in love.
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