Seeing Vs. Believing

Who remembers Ricky Paull Goldin? I can't remember which soap opera he was on, but I *think* he was once engaged to Yasmin Bleeth. I remember weird things. Yesterday, me and the fam were watching the Science Channel and a new show called Seeing Vs Believing came on. The premise is Ricky Paull and his co-host, a skeptic, go around meeting people with exceptional abilities and attempt to explain it. Feel free to go watch an episode, it was pretty cool.

I didn't know it was Ricky Paull at first. When I realized who he was, I was hit with an unexpected but familiar set of emotions. See, if JM and I were still friends, I could call her and squeal OMG RICKY PAULL GOT HIS OWN SHOW ON THE SCIENCE CHANNEL and we would laugh and laugh and joke about how Yasmin is missing out. But I can't call her. Because we are not friends anymore.

JM was my best friend for the better part of my formative years. We were together since 5th grade, and we broke up right before my college graduation. I say broke up because that's exactly what it was. It was raw. Painful. And it has stayed with me in unexpected moments like seeing Ricky Paull. We had jokes about vaginas. We had jokes about whales. We had an ongoing love of all things Melrose Place. When Sharknado was released, I wanted to share the fact that OMG IAN ZIERING with someone, but aside from my awesome husband, there was no one. Because she and I aren't friends anymore.

We were supposed to be in each other's weddings. We were supposed to be there for the births of our children. The future that I had held for us is gone. For a long time, our best mutual friend JA tried to get us back together. She would call me, tell me she saw JM, and broach the topic of reconciling. This went on until it didn't anymore. We weren't going to be friends anymore.

I have been divorced. And I can say with certainty that losing the type of friendship I had with JM is infinitely more painful. I didn't attend my high school reunion, in part because I didn't want to have to answer the questions: How's JM? Where's JM? But with the advent of Facebook, it's a constant high school reunion, and the questions came anyway. For the most part, I don't think about it. But moments like seeing Ricky Paull and wanting desperately to share the humor with someone who understands are a stark reminder that it was and is a huge loss that I will never fully recover from. At this age and stage, I don't think I will ever have a friend like that again. And that's okay, that's not what brings ALL THE FEELINGS. The feelings are grief. I am grieving a loss.

I won't say what happened, in part because it wasn't really any one thing. And I don't understand it entirely. So for now, I will share my fun moments with you, and hope you see the humor in it.

If you have a best friend, cherish her. If you have lost one, you have my deepest sympathies.

Thank you.

Mom the Pirate

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