The Semantics of "EARNED"
By nopithyphrase on August 20, 2013
After all this time, I do not think I have ever given you cause to suspect or mistrust me. I.E. I've earned your trust.
Here's the problem with that statement. It assumes 1) the speaker determines what causes mistrust or suspicion. 2) It's a demand from (presumed) Power to (presumed) Powerless.
Don't believe me? Change "trust" with "blowjob" or "sex."
One word changes a defensive statement into a demand for something which should be given freely. Honestly I find it worse than someone claiming to deserve a blow job because he "earned" it: emotional attacks aren't always as easy to recognize, but they're sneaky about leaving insidious internal scars.
I read (and write) some romance/erotica. The Alpha Male Dominant archetype has become publicly popular of late, and I'm not in any way trying to minimize that popularity. I may not like the Fifty Shades books, but I LOVE Tiffany Reisz's Original Sinners series (see my reading list). The dominant personality has always been a theme in romance novels (hello, Bodice Rippers). That's why it's an archetype: it touches our subconscious and invites fantasies.
In real life, I need equal regard from my friends, or we are not friends. I include my husband in that statement, because honestly if we weren't friends we wouldn't be more than that. It's really not that difficult of a concept: I am sovereign unto myself and will decide who/when/where/how much to give of myself to another person (that's not intended to be in a sexual sense: in every sense). In the same way, I expect my friends, my partner, my associates to be sovereign unto THEMSELVES and determine their own comfort level of friendship, sharing, trust, etc. I can count the people I trust on one hand, and in the last year that number's dwindled some, unfortunately.
I can forgive massive amounts of what many would perceive as normal "wrongs" in a relationship, because humans are messy creatures with messy lives, messy emotions, and really fucked up interactions over time. EVERYBODY fucks up. I get that, and since I'm in my own life here, not anyone else's, all I can do is decide if the consequences of messiness are tolerable. The moment someone attempts to demand of me what they have no right to demand, whether it was previously freely shared or not, is the moment my association ends.
All my life I've resisted, in my heart of hearts, being what people want me to be. That's caused issues on many occasions, and I've lost people because of that defiance. But as sovereign of myself, I choose. If someone doesn't want to wait for me to get there, to trust or love on my own timescale, well, it's their right to walk away. I recognize it often takes a really long time to get into my inner circle. I have reasons for that, and it still hurts when someone decides I'm not worth the effort. But I will not be cowed. I will not be dominated or told "it's for your own good" or changed to fit someone else's opinion of what I should be.
I will not have any aspect of myself, physical or psychological, won like a prize or allow anyone else to tell me when they've earned it.
*Cross Posted from http://nopithyphrase.blogspot.com
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