I bring up a bit of my background so that you will have an understanding of who I am and from where I come.  During my entire childhood, my mother was mentally and physically sick.  Being the first born of 3 girls, I basically did much of the mothering.  My father tutored at night.  We somehow never had much money, even though his daytime job was as an engineer in a big company.  I wore the same clothes all the time and was painfully thin.  Looking back, I was very ADHD.  My mother was in and out of hospitals and was addicted to barbiturates.  When I was 12, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and a woman, Maria, was hired to care for us during the day  We were alone in the evenings.  There was a peeping Tom in the neighborhood and I was terrified.  I guess I spent my childhood being terrified.  I really had to navigate my early life alone.

So obviously,I grew up in a dysfunctional family.  I know many people say this, but I really did.  My mother was a manic-depressive who spent her first years in foster care.  My father, a brilliant engineer, had zero emotional intelligence.  I always found my father repulsive.  I can’t remember him showering much and he could not stand kids.  We did not have dinner with him as he found us annoying.  My parents never attended school functions or carpooled.  So from an early age, I pleaded my case to my friends parents to pick up the slack. 

My relationship with my father and how he treated my mother paved the way for all of my future relationships and my general mistrust and disdain for men. My husband used to tell me from early on in our marriage that I did not like men.  So many things he said about my personality were true and inciteful but I did not see it then.  We were two very damaged people coming together to have a family.  I never really understood what went wrong with him and I still don’t.   

My general disdain for men in general paved the way for my failure in marraige.



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