By MrsDriver on June 28, 2011
Before I really get into things here, I think it is important to define what I mean when I talk about being "sensual". When you first hear the word, what do you think of? Is it sex? It usually is for me. And although it's not entirely unrelated, I'm talking about a more thorough exploration of the senses in general, which, in theory, should make sex more fulfilling as well. I tried to look up some definitions, and they some of them made it seem hedonistic and bad. That's not what this is about.
As someone recovering from PTSD, I can tell you I often go through the day not feeling much of the physical world. I don't notice how my clothes feel on my skin. I don't smell the air when there is nothing noticeable or overwhelming there. I don't see all the beautiful colors in the world around me. I spend more time focusing on what is in my head. I think about my fears and insecurities. I think about my blog. I think about my relationships. I spend so much timethinking that I forget to feel.
A couple weeks ago, I decided this was something that I could work on now. Since then, I've talked to my therapist about it. I told her that I feel like there is some kind of "block" regarding my sexuality and sensuality. When she asked me to describe it, I struggled, but eventually I was reminded of my Tai Chi class at Concordia. The instructor, Sang, taught us about "chi", and energy that is flowing through all of us that sometimes does become blocked. He taught us how to actually feel this energy force between our hands. He was able to tell me when my chi was blocked, and went it began to flow I again, I could physically feel the change, sometimes even becoming lightheaded from the sudden rush. Sharing this with Simone, my therapist, led to a discussion about chakras, which are centers of energy in the body.
Since then, I have been meeting with my inner self nightly, asking her to heal the chakras that require it. The first week, I didn't notice any kind of change at all, which could be partly due to the fact that I was so distracted by my flirtations with Studdly Hubby. But this past week has been different. For the last four days, I have spent as much free time as possible out on my balcony.
Since discovering my "happy place", I have felt more in touch with nature than I ever have before in my life. When I was sitting outside, the sun was shining, and there was a delicious summer breeze. I watched the large tree in front of me. The leaves fluttered, the branches swayed, giving to the wind so that they didn't break off. When the wind was stronger, the top part of the tree trunk swayed as well, but the base removed strong. It seemed like a beautiful metaphor for the human spirit.
I basked in the feel of the sun on my skin. I sipped from my glass of wine, enjoying the flavor. I ate from a vegetable tray, tasting the array of flavors and textures. I loved the creamy ranch dip combined with the snap of the snap peas. I popped the cherry tomatoes in my mouth, letting it burst, juice exploding. Mmm...I'm able to taste it all again just thinking about it!
Since then, I keep going outside again. It seems to be the best place for me to begin exploring my senses. It is a happy place in the real, physical world. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I actually turned down a social invitation from a friend in favor of spending the evening on my balcony.
Today, I savored every bite from a fruit tray. I paid attention to the amount of pressure necessary to lick the juices from my fingers, to lick the cream cheese vanilla dip off. I'm fascinated by the new world that's been opened up to me, but at the same time, was there all along.
But now I'm curious. How do others experience life? Do you pay attention to your senses at this level? Are you often too wrapped up in the day-to-day busyness of life to notice anything
else? I want to know!
"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own." -Ben Sweetland