- Share This Post
- submit
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
So Much More Than a Mom recently wrote about the events that lead to her breakdown. That got me to thinking about my own little breakdown. Cyndi's climaxed after a 2-year series of unfortunate events; mine climaxed after 8 14 years of unfortunate events.
I *should* password-protect this post so that it doesn't end up being screen-shot or quoted on someone else's blog, but I'm tired of letting CAB hinder me.
Looking back, I almost find it hard to believe that I lasted almost 8 years before everything finally came to a head. There were many, many times when I thought I couldn't go on, when I felt suicidal, when I was wasting my body away to nothing, but still, I pressed on. I always functioned enough to go to school, to go to work, to do shows, to appear normal. If I really had to, I could trace the beginning of the breakdown further back to 1995, 14 years ago. Yes, let's begin there. That's 6 more years involved than just the first rape that I usually think of as starting the downward spiral. Really, though, it began the summer before my freshman year in college.
Read below at your own risk. May contain triggering things for some people (Date Rape, anorexia, sex, partner-rape, domestic abuse, stalking, suicidal feelings)
- 1995 - graduated high school, got my first broken heart, felt lost and depressed. Stopped eating and eventually was up to 4 hours of exercise every single day, in addition to taking 24 credit hours in college. I remember this girl giving a speech in Oral Communication about depression and prozac. I remember thinking that I had all the symptoms she described, but that I couldn't possibly be depressed. And, there was certainly no way I needed to take medication.
- 1996 - continued downward spiral of 1995. Stopped doing my homework for musicianship (music theory) & started staring out the window during class. My professor started asking people what was wrong with me, eventually asking me, myself. Wore all black most everyday. Somehow managed to pass Theory I & II while others failed. I remember crying while on choir tour in a store. My friends were trying on sunglasses and I started crying, saying that my face was too fat to wear sunglasses. Lynn, a sophomore, came up to me and asked if I had an eating disorder. She said I always wear black & that it takes one to know one. She was a bulimic. I said yes, that I was anorexic. It's probably the 1st time I admitted it to anyone. Finally, one day before band practice, I sat down in the hallway crying, and realized I couldn't take feeling like that anymore. I called my mom on the payphone & told her I was ready to go to the doctor. She'd been begging me to go. He ended up putting me on Prozac which made me feel different from the old me. I ended up flushing them down the toilet a lot.
- 1997 - 1998 school year - I was a voice major in college, which is fine as long as you don't wake up one day & decide that you can't sing anymore. Somewhere along the way, I decided that I wasn't talented and I couldn't sing. So, I stopped singing in choir and my voice lessons. My choir director & voice teacher pulled me out of piano class one day and made me call a counselor. Heh. I started going to free counseling at the clinic across from school, but I barely remember it. It seemed pointless. My individual counselor was like, "Tell me how you're feeling," which was not something I responded to very well. I believe I did group for awhile. There was another girl from campus and some older women. One woman was so depressed she couldn't hold down a job and I remember thinking, "Why am I in here? I'm nothing like these people." Somehow I either stopped going or they ended. I don't remember. Clearly I didn't learn anything memorable, except I'd always remember that other girl about my age any time I saw her around campus. I'd wonder if she was feeling less depressed. I got out of taking my final jury spring semester and was allowed to do it in the fall. Thank goodness. That spring, we did the musical A Little Night Music. The director
