Settling down and moving on?

I think I am feeling a little less sad, but maybe more stupid.  Stupid because I had some super significant reasons for not staying in my marriage but missing it none the less.  I also have many reasons to miss it.  I don't want my heart to overrule my head or vice versa.  He called me yesterday and we had a good talk.  It got a little pg-13 or R rated while revisiting some intimate times in our past together.  Of course it made me miss him even more.  I seem to have forgotten the many reasons I could't stay.  I want to just throw them out and do whatever I can to make him come back.  Stupid.  I know. But is it?  What if it is supposed to be and we just needed a break from some huge obstacles and some time to see how much we meant to each other?  What if he is my destiny?  I feel so confused.  Why?  I made my decision.  I believed it was the right thing to do for myself and my children.  Is questioning that decision just silly?  I want whatever goes on to be God's plan and for him to bless it but I don't know what that is.  It feels like I am still his wife.  Is that normal or just stupid.  I am hoping time will create some clarity.  I pray that God shows me some distinct direction and a definite answer.  I need for my ex to come to me and tell me what he has done to rectify the gambling and other things.  I would need concrete evidence of change.  So, do I tell him that and see if he can do that?  Or is that "fixing" things and not letting things evolve as they may?  I know right now I want nothing more to be wrapped in his arms.  If he lived closer I think I would have already called him to come over.  Thank heavens for 700 miles between us.  It still doesn't begin to make things easier though.  I miss him.  I see him do so much good for other people and I wonder why he couldn't do that for me.  Why he didn't do that for me.  Am I just "sick" and willing to settle for so little when I give so much more.  But we were married.  Did I give up to soon.  Was I to concerned with the little things.  If I had more faith in God and his ability to take care of me could I have been more gracious to a husband who wasn't ?  I do so wish I had the answers.  Help me Lord.  Help me either move on or bring him back.  I want to be in your Grace.  I want Your blessings and peace in my life.  I Pray you will help me.     

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