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Lisa, Bianca, Claire and I are at BondSt at the Thompson Beverly Hills for drinks on a Tuesday night—which according to my cab driver is the new Standard Downtown, which is the new Roos. I don't know about that, but Lisa is on the prowl. She's a firm believer in refreshing her catalog of lovers every time she changes her wardrobe and it's starting to get chilly in Los Angeles.
“It's like this,” she tells us, taking a sip of her gin basil—which is (according to her) the new mojito. “Men here are not like men out there. There is something very wrong with men in Los Angeles. I think it has to do with the kind of people the place attracts. They all have some incredible, glaring flaw. If you don't force yourself to clear your slate, you run the risk of settling. And you should never settle, not until you find something worthwhile. I'm not cynical—I'm just aware.”
“Who are you scrapping?” Bianca asks, taking a sip of her Manhattan.
THE HEALTH FREAK
Lisa has been seeing Shane, a reality TV has-been and model, for six weeks.
“He's making me crazy. The guy works out every morning and night. He watches everything he eats. We can never go out unless he's checked out a place. You would think all that attention would make him confident in his health? No, the guy is always dying. There is always something devastating—the other day he found out my toothpaste had high-fructose corn syrup in it. Who cares? It's toothpaste. Are you eating it? Just spit it out and get over it! I am not brushing my teeth with that baking soda paste. I think it's disgusting. But fine, I'll let him keep some of the stuff at my place. Problem solved, right? No, now it's something else, like refusing to kiss me after I've put my night cream on because—don't I know?—Epidermal Growth Factor causes cancer.”
Claire leans forward, “are you using ReVive?”
“Mia turned me on to it, it's amazing. I keep laundering my pillow cases obsessively because I swear to God, I shed my entire face overnight.”
“Doesn't it feel delicious?”
“I love it,” Lisa says. “But Shane hates it. He hates everything. You know what I've realized? It's not really about health in Los Angeles. No one really cares about being healthy—they're obsessed with illness and death. A dying person is the center of the universe. It's just narcissism and self-obsession, made palatable—made noble. I'm over it.”
“He sounds like a nightmare,” says Claire, taking a sip of her martini. “They're all a nightmare. Los Angeles is a beautiful nightmare.”
“This sounds juicy,” I comment, reaching for my coffee. “Weren't you in love last week with—who was it?”
THE DIRECTOR
“It feels like a movie,” Claire says.
“Wait, I thought this was why you liked him?” I ask.
“Well, who doesn't want to live in a movie?” Claire responds. “Last night we were Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart. The night before, we were Eva Marie Saint and Marlon Brando. It's such a theatrical undertaking. The lighting is always perfect. Everything feels unreal. There is a song to accompany every touch. He positions me when he kisses me. I look at him when we're in bed and I hear voice overs. I feel like I'm losing my mind.”
THE PR FLAK
“I dated someone like that once,” Bianca says. “Completely possessed by his career. He was in PR and even pillow talk sounded like an elevator pitch. He told me he loved me one night, looking over the city from his place in the Hills and I could just see him standing before a sea of people saying 'I love you,' with such emotion that everyone believed it was true and meant individually for every single one of them. It was all pretty words. So I gave him pretty words right back. We built a relationship out of spin and hot air. We were getting married, having 2.5 kids—all of it.
“People looked at us and wanted to be us. But it was all bull. Nothing ever happened. We were seeing other people without telling each other about it. Everyone could see it but no one believed it because we were such a good act when we were together. Before I married Jeff a friend of ours saw me and him out late one night and she asked us what I was doing and I told her it was a business meeting even though I was practically on Jeff's lap. She didn't doubt me. That's how good
