Sex and Relationships

About 3 years ago I, like many 20 to 30 somethings, had given up on dating. I had a string of dates with mhen I met in bars which never seemed to work out. On three separate occasions, after three nice dates with each, the man would simply stop calling me. I assure you I didn’t do anything strange or off putting to cause them to stop talking after the third date. I have come to realize that it was what I wasn’t doing that was making these guys lose interest.  When I finally figured out what was going on I stopped blaming myself and started looking for a man that wanted me the way I am.

When dating there is a lot of pressure put on women to jump into bed with a man. We have all heard of the 3 date rule, or 5 date rule, or 10 date rule, that means as long as you wait until this critical occasion you cannot be classified as a slut.  What we are actually doing is conditioning men to hang in there just long enough. As a female, we control the pace at which our sexual relationships move and need to really value that. If a man isn’t willing to put time in why in the world would I allow him access to me sexually?

In my case, when these guys realized that, by the third date, we were nowhere near a sexual relationship, they didn’t want to put any more time in. (Side note, if a man just stops calling you NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN. He is immature, insecure, could be married, and my guess is that he is terrible in bed.) For me, I refused to sleep with a man until he knows me, has met some of my family, and is in a committed relationship with me. If that is too much to ask then their penis is not coming near me.  

Please don’t think that I am one of those females that doesn’t really enjoy sex, so it is easy for me to wait. I am a very sexual person and the process of postponing sex has been at time excruciating. When I was younger, I didn’t hold to this rule and not a single relationship worked out.  Now that I am older and wiser, I would suggest to any female that they set this standard early on in the relationship. If you don’t tell a man you aren’t going to sleep with him right away, then he keeps trying. His persistence will end one of two ways: either you give in and sleep with him which will create a meaningless relationship with a lack of respect for each other or he gives up.

If the ultimate goal of dating is to find your partner for life, please take your time. Get to know the person and let them learn about you. Someone you are sleeping with should know your passions and dreams and you should be able to communicate with them freely. If not, how are you ever going to tell them what you like in bed and what feels good. Having sex too soon is like eating the frosting off of a cupcake first. Once it is gone all you are left with dry cake that will most like just be thrown away.

So many women I know have unsatisfying sexual relationship and I truly believe this is because they jumped into bed too soon.  Sex is about more than personal satisfaction, it is about a deep connection you share with one person. For it to be satisfying, you have to be at the stage in the relationship in which you can tell your partner anything. When I ask women why they aren’t satisfied they say that their partner doesn’t know what he is doing. Female bodies don’t come with instruction manuals and you have to teach your partner what works for you.

I am not going to tell you what length of time is the correct amount of time to wait because every person and relationship is different. All I am saying is that waiting creates value in the relationship and shows a strong sense of self respect. Men may want sex, but they want to marry a strong, self assured woman that knows what she wants out of life.


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