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Sparkle (1)
Sex is such a powerful thing.
It can be an amazing and intimate connection between two (or more) consenting partners, or it can be silly, playful and fun (or all of the above). It can be dirty and hot, fascinating or boring, clinical or passionate. It can be healing and it can be destructive. It can make you feel good about yourself and your body, or it can make you feel insecure, awkward, and less-than. It can be empowering and it can be devastating.
There is just something brutally sincere about offering your body to another person (or people) and trusting them to respect it. Especially for someone who struggles with body image or disability, but even for those who don’t.
See, to really enjoy myself sexually I need to feel sexy and desired…I need the person I’m with to pay attention to all of my body instead of just aiming for the goal and making the shot. You give me sex that involves propping up my legs and diving in, without a generous amount of sensual touch elsewhere on my body (or at least some verbal hotness), and not only am I going to equate that with a (possibly more exciting) trip to the gynecologist, I’m also going to conclude that the only part of my body you find sexy is my crotch.
(Which, come on, is generally just a given in the sexy department. -10 points for predictability, buddy.)
It not only feels impersonal, it’s also a little insulting to the rest of my body, and really, to me as a person.
But that’s me. People are different, and different people like to be touched in different ways. Different bodies respond to different things.
Look, it’s a fact that human touch plays an important role in physical and emotional health and development. There’s an entire institute dedicated to it. But, not all touch is created equal – sexual or otherwise. There’s just no one-size-fits-all rule that can be applied.
And this is where communication is crucial, folks.
Being open to discuss things and adjust your…er, performance…accordingly can mean the difference between a steamy night tangled in the bedsheets, and leaving your partner with that “wtf was I thinking” feeling as they delete your number on the way out the door.
So here are some tips on respectful (and likely really good) sex. (Feel free to pass these along to...oh...whoever you think might need them):
1) Be verbal – Ask your partner(s) if they like what you’re doing or whether something feels good. Then respond accordingly.
2) Ask where they like to be touched or if there is someplace they prefer not to be touched. You don’t need to precede every move with “is this ok?” but an occasional, well-timed check-in can go a long way to making someone feel more comfortable. And comfortable people are a lot more fun.
3) Keep some things to yourself – Despite what movies would have you believe, sex isn’t always pretty, and real bodies respond different ways to different things. Outwardly acknowledging potentially embarrassing things (do I need to give details here?) is like kryptonite to hot sex. Don’t do it. EVER.
4) Be mindful of limitations and boundaries. Comfort level is important (mental and physical), so keep that in mind when asking someone to do something you like. Physical limitations are (should be) a given, but you should always be considerate of mental and emotional boundaries, as well.
5) No pressure – if someone says they aren’t comfortable with something, then don’t do it and move on. Forcing someone to explain (defend) their reasoning or pressuring them into “giving it a try” is an asshole move. Stop it.
6) Focus your attention on more than one thing – Sex should be a whole-body experience (assuming your partner welcomes it as such), not just a nose-dive into the business end of things. Letting someone know you’re into their whole body, and the overall experience of sex with them, can be incredibly hot (and empowering). Setting up shop and getting the job done quickly and efficiently is admirable when working on cars…not in the bedroom.
That’s not an exhaustive list, of course. There are so many things that go into making sex enjoyable for all parties involved.
So? What would you add?
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